To break up with you

[That22i22would]

I've been friends with someone a long time. More than three quarters of my life. We've grown up together so always had a relationship a bit like siblings, in some senses, so bickering, etc. For the last few years whenever we see eachother, which is maybe a few times a year, I've felt that we don't get on and are actually quite mean to eachother. It's become toxic in some senses. I'm not blaming them or me. I think we are simply not compatible as friends anymore. My question is.... Have you experienced this? If so, how did you end things? I want to stop seeing this person but I also want to be honest and upfront. What would you do? Text/email with the choice for them to call you if they want to talk? I want to end things in the kindest, sensitivist way I can. Also think maybe they want a get out too so might actually just accept without question.

What would you gain from that? Why do you need a big break up? Just slowly stop seeing them. If it’s nothing specific they have done then I don’t see the point of having a big showdown. It will just leave a sour taste in both your mouths and tarnish the memories of a ftuendship that was once good

I agree with @Truetoself , just don’t contact her. Friendships have a season. You might one day, in the distant future, rekindle some affection. Don’t burn your bridges

Just let the friendship go. No need for a breakup.

I never understand why anyone would want to do this, or have this done to them.

I’d 100% prefer someone to do a slow fade and let me take the hint, rather than give me an exhaustive list of all the reasons I’m not worth being friends with anymore!

I voted YABU because you're being dramatic. Just stop contacting them. If they contact you, be friendly but too busy to meet. Job done. This friendship is dead already so just let it go. No need for dramatic speeches and explanations, that's just cringey. If they've had enough too they'll very quickly stop contacting you after they've had a couple of brush offs.

I don’t know how old you are, but if this has only been happening for the last few years and you’ve been friends for over 3/4 of your life then it’s potentially just a tiny part of your friendship. Things will change in time.

In the meantime, I wouldn’t go chasing drama for the sake of it by staging some kind of ‘break up’

I understand why you want to explain why you feel the friendship should end. I think that is respectful after so many years. But I would wait until the next time you are together and have something ready to say when the unpleasantness starts. With that foresight you can calmly ask if she also feels the friendship has run its course. If she hasn’t you might find a way of getting back to a good relationship. Failing that you will be able to explain kindly why it doesn’t work for you anymore.

A slow fade, for me, is not for such long standing friends

Honestly just do a slow fade. I've done it a few times and also just had it done to me, it's much better than big statements and if you bump into each other, no harsh words have been said. I've seen the break up option with some other friends and it was horrible as then the break up person tried to change their mind but it was just ruined then!

No need for a conversation, just let the friendship slide. If they ask you can then have the conversation.

Yes, I've had this, and I found the easiest thing to do was to let it fade.
Don't arrange another meeting, move to social media only. Be less involved.
People change and go through different stages of life. You may find in 10 years time, things will feel better again. I have one like that.

You both need a break from each other but you don't need to break up, keep your distance and let it fade out naturally over time.
If your friend contacts you say you're busy etc...just give it time to either fix what's broken or let it go completely over time.

Yabu, ive had friends devestated by the 'breakup' friendship chat, just reduce contact and commitment and let it slide. If she asks then be honest but absolutely no need to over perform it imo

Friendships don't have to last forever. Like marriages, sometimes they are for life and sometimes they have a 'sell-by' date. It just doesn't matter. Let it fade quietly. Drama in life is very over rated

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your suggestions and experiences.

YANBU but it's not a marriage... just distance yourself, stop contacting them, stop seeing them... doesn't sound like you're that involved anyway if you only see each other a couple times a year.

I don’t think that a breakup chat is the kindest thing to do. What if your friend wants to debate your reasons and you both say mean things to each other?

It sounds like you might be most compatible as online friends rather than see each in person. By online friend I mean chatting about each other’s social media posts etc and not seeing each other in person.

Yeah - I was that break-up person, and it was awful. I had to do it this way because it had started to feel co-dependent. She was phoning me for long middle of the night talks nearly every night. It was just like breaking up with a long-term boyfriend and, while I would've preferred just to dial it down, she was so upset and angry that an acrimonious 'divorce' was the only option.

Slow fade if possible, definitely.

Oh no that's awful but not much else you can do in that situation is there. I've felt sad with my friend withdrawing but I've respected it and not going to embarrass either of us by trying to bring it to a head. As someone said down thread, a friendship isn't a marriage and people can just move on quietly.

What people are suggesting is ghosting, and I don't think its on at all.

For all those who say its ok, are the ones who have done it- rather than be on the receiving end. And being on the receiving end is fucking horrible.

I had a friend who did this to me. I have no idea as to why. She just started saying she was busy when I suggested to meet. So like a mug I would suggest something every few months. It took about a year for the penny to drop, because I had no clue.

I am currently pregnant and things like this bring up the hurt and confusion again as I always thought she's be my kids godmother.

All I want is closure.

For those saying don't burn your bridges- well thats just user behaviour

It's not ghosting. That's suddenly ceasing to respond to you at all. Like, one minute you're thinking everything is totally fine between you (even if it isn't because you've actually upset them in some way) and next minute you find you can't get hold of them by any means ever again and if you repeatedly try will often find yourself blocked (or they'll block pre-emptively as part of the ghosting).

What you've described is the slow fade. Same as what we're all talking about.

Perhaps you're in the minority. Most people don't want to be told how they've failed at a relationship, they get upset, angry, confrontational and start defending themselves and trying to get the person to change their mind. What they don't generally do is say thanks for giving me closure and walk away with dignity, respectfully accepting the other person's opinion and desire not to continue the friendship.

I absolutely CBA to have all that drama with someone who has let me down/pissed me off/disrespected me/annoyed me so much that I now no longer want to be friends with them. If everything was fine I'd still be happy to be their friend! So if I'm "breaking up" with them then by default everything is not fine and if they're treating me badly in some way then I owe them nothing. Especially not a chance to treat me badly again during a "break up talk" where they hear things they almost certainly won't want to hear.