To be upset about this?

[FettleOfKish]

I’ll caveat to say I know it’s a first world problem, and I do know that we’re very lucky to have family who love DS, but I’m upset tonight and can’t work out if I’m actually being unreasonable.

DH’s family are a nationality that celebrate on the 24th, so we do a big family meal and presents with them, and then on the 25th it’s just the 3 of us at home.

DS is 18 months and we’ve chosen a ‘main’ present for him that we think he’ll love and will last him some years hopefully. It’s quite a big thing (along the lines of a play kitchen / dollhouse / workbench) that we were excited to build tonight and have set up by the tree for him tomorrow.

So we’re doing presents this afternoon and it turns out SIL has without a word bought him the EXACT same thing. Presented it to him in the box.

So now I feel robbed of doing the whole set up and seeing his face tomorrow, not to mention being left without a ‘main’ present from us on Christmas Eve! I know he doesn’t understand that, but I do!

AIBU to think that if you’re going to buy a substantially sized gift for someone else’s child you should discuss it first? Not in my wildest dreams did I think anyone would buy him something that big/expensive, not least because we currently live in a tiny flat, which everyone knows. I also think it’s a bit 😏 to buy something that requires a couple of hours of building and hand it over in the box for the parents to build at their leisure / while the excited child is gnawing at the bit to get at it.

We’re left with books / jigsaws to give him tomorrow (plus a balance bike actually but again we live in a flat and it’s supposed to be icy with a force 6 tomorrow so not something he can get stuck into immediately). I had something smaller put away for his birthday that I’ve now got out to stand in as the exciting thing left set up under the tree but I feel really deflated about it.

Thats all really. I’m sitting alone with a glass of wine mulling on whether I’m really being unreasonable when DS will still ultimately get the lovely toy he’ll enjoy. DH’s Mum has just arrived tonight to stay with SIL so he’s gone back to see her while I’m home with DS.

YABU because he’s 18mths and wouldnt have a clue .
For future reference - discuss
Your kids presents with family beforehand .

I think i'd be miffed about this. It is normal to ask the parents for ideas or what they are getting.

I would build it up as planned, return the other one and get DC something else. He won’t realise as a pic on a box and the actual present all built will seem very different to him. Just explain to SIL surely she will understand.

I believed that had happened. There’s a smaller ‘add-on’ that goes with the main present that I’d told DH to mention to family that would be nice if they’re stuck for ideas.

He's 18 months old - this is not a big deal.

So if you've kept the receipt from your purchase then you take back the boxed version - he can play with the assembled version tomorrow - and you can use the money to get him some fun stuff in the sales?

You say other people should tell you what they are getting - but did you tell other people what you were getting? This is a 50:50 situation and, as I say, he's 18 months. This is not a big deal.

Surely at 18months he won’t know really because it’s in a box

you have your set up and ready to play

tell sil thanks but you have bought it for him and she can take it back and get a refund and something else and next year please ask first

YANBU can you return the one and explain?

Can you put the box away & let him have the one youve bought which is all ready to go?

You’ll still see his little face light up and if push comes to crunch, SIL will assume it’s her gift but you & DH will know it’s not. Your little one won’t be bothered who it came from.

Would that work?

I was thinking the same , op could get extra parts for the toy ( pans / plates /saw/ hammer what ever is appropriate

Ah op I had this last year, told my in laws (who are usually lovely so I don't know if it was a genuine miscommunication) exactly what I had got ds so they didn't get the same things, and low and behold they gave him all the same things as I had got him. So it all went straight to the charity shop as they were cheaper than the versions I got him and no use having two. Such a waste of presents and I was really glad he'd opened mine first because I think I'd have been quietly gutted if not. I think you need to have a conversation with your dh to clarify did he definitely tell sil what you were buying and if he did, then I think he needs to go back to sil and ask her why she bought the same gift and ask for the receipt so it can be returned as yours has been built ready for dc. Nip that shit in the bud early if you think this was intentional.

We’ll return the one we got as it’s still in its shipping box, the one SIL bought was opened today.

YABU, it’s lovely and generous of them, and your child is 18months old so doesn’t care or have a clue.

I’d be upset OP, I get you. She’s stolen your thunder whether she meant to or not

He won’t know. Seriously get a refund & spend it on premium bonds. If I had my kids again it’s what I’d do until they’re at least 3. You can’t still build the SIL present & give him tomorrow unless he’s exceptionally bright he won’t know the difference

Don’t get the birthday present out. He won’t realise at 18 months old. Even 1 present will be nice. Yes I’d be annoyed too, but keep that one in the box and return it?

He's 18 months, he won't realise.

But I'd still be upset.

Hope you have a lovely day tomorrow anyway

And you're sure he mentioned the add on, and not the thing itself by mistake not listening properly ? Or do you think his family would buy the main item on purpose, knowing about the add on?

Build yours, take the boxed version back, YOURS is the present and you can get the add on off SIL with the refund. Refund her back the balance, thank her for her generosity and apologise for the confusion that must have happened!

Plus in a box is very different to fully assembled on Christmas morning!

Why can't you say what the gift is

One day you’ll look back and laugh, he got a lovely item and if you return yours, you can buy him something equally as special. As he’s only 18 months he literally will have no memory of who gave him it (in the nicest way possible!) so just chalk it up to being “one of those things” and don’t let it ruin your fun.

Ahh in that case, still do the same. Get the add on and refund her back the difference between the add on and the main gift, apologise for any confusion and that you didn't want her spending so much money; but as you'd already bought that for him, the present was from you and you've sorted out the add on that DH had talked about, and that will be from her.

He suggested it and ordered it so he definitely knew. Would they buy it anyway? The jury is out, but there’s form in general for (what I take as) power plays. He won’t hear a word of it though.

To answer others, I completely know that he won’t realise or care. I just feel like it’s taken the shine off our/my excitement about it.

We’d planned to stagger his gifts over a few days anyway as he gets a bit overwhelmed by new things, so now DH has gone to see his Mum tonight I’ve told him we’ll build it at the weekend.

I don’t know really. It’s a big garage. The add-on is a car transporter and extra cars.

A balance bike is a fantastic present. We gave one to my nephew at around that age and he absolutely loved it.

Also, at 18mo he won’t have any idea about size and significance of presents, or that they are things which are permanently his. I hope you all have a lovely Christmas tomorrow.

Build it for the morning anyway, it will hold more meaning when set up. Return the other one and get something else with the money

Oh he's going to love that. It is a bit sad.