High conflict coparenting with a child with allergies.

[BookArt55]

Coparenting and allergies...
Coparenting relationship is awful, to the point that the court order states ex (and myself) has to carry epi pens all the time when they have the kids. Although they still don't... another story. Ex has the children 3 nights out of 14, judge opted to go for less than what CAFCASS recommended, agreed with me instead.

I've always led on appointments, introducing foods, ladders, etc. Ex still does not attend allergy appointments. Since splitting I have made a powerpoint with all our 3 year old daughter's allergies (down to 14 allergies, had over 20 at one point, mainly IEG, but some non-IEG), and all of her safe foods.

I'm now finding out repeatedly from the kids that ex is giving our daughter things that she has never tried before- with new ingredients and doesn't give them to her 3 days in a row, doesn't share this with me, gives new foods despite knowing I am trying her on ladders or introducing new foods.

Things like sweets, treats and now McDonalds.

Now in some ways I think we are lucky that we figured it all out as a baby and have been able to introduce foods safely from 5 months old so we don't miss any. She rarely has allergic reactions now, compared to the struggles she had as a baby which were several times a day, even her eczema is under control. But then she has sudden flares ups, complains of a sore tummy, becomes constipated or toileting more often, etc, after staying with the other parent.

But I suppose I am asking other parents...
-any one manage allergies with a coparent? Any tips?

• eating at restaurants- any tips or tricks? I always take food with us, she's used to it. McDonalds just seems so risky...
• with so many allergies, I try every new food for 3 days just to make sure. She has had a few foods in the past where all the ingredients have been fine but she has had a reaction to it, checked a second time to make sure. Am I being too precautious?

I am tired of being the mean parent, but will happily do it to keep her safe. But I worry am I just overreacting and being a bit over the top. What do others do?

Talking to my coparent isn't an option, I've tried. I'm going to seek legal advice, but i have no evidence really besides what a 3 and 7 year old tell me. Ex will deny and then tell the kids to keep secrets and take it out on them. Not really sure what to do.

For full information, ex was emotionally abusive to me, and now uses the children.

Sorry, rant over! Appreciate any advice.

Have any of the foods he has given to his dd caused her to be hospitalised? How old are your other dc?

I haven't co-parented or parented a child with allergies, so I could be talking out of my arse, if so then please feel free to plate it up and send it back.

My initial reaction is that you have done really well, and are on top of it all. You say she is so much better now and has far fewer reactions than she did, but your ex isn't sticking to the plan and she has occasional flare ups.

If they are occasional, then maybe the plan could be loosened a bit? Are there some foods that are complete no-go's? These would be the ones to insist your ex avoided. Her reactions have changed and will continue to change, so although it's annoying he gives her untried foods, as she only has occasional flare ups then perhaps it's less of an issue than it once was?

Eldest is 6 years old.

She hasn't been hospitalised from what he has given her, but low level reactions have happened resulting in a cough, runny nose, diarrhea, constipation, eczema, stomach pain- antihistamine helps He's also not given her antihistamine when there's been an obvious reaction, he also continues to not carry the epi pens and antihistamine with him (kids told me they had to leave his girlfriend's house to go hometo get the meds as he didn't have it with him, then didn't tell me about the reaction), I've seen him do that myself when he's taken the kids into a supermarket (we do handover at the supermarket- neutral location).

When she was a baby he told me I was overreacting and she didn't have any allergies that I was just losing it, abd other name calling. But she is severely allergic to eggs and some nuts. She only has one non IEG allergy meaning the one that gives her a poorly tummy and can take a few days to kick in. The rest are allergies which could result in an anaphylaxis/life threatening reaction. She's had to be hospitalised in the past when we were still together because I had eaten something when she wasn't in the house and then kissed her when she came home (I didn't know she was allergic to that food at the time, before we have epi pens).

I suppose my concern would be that the allergy doctor and myself agreed we needed to get her on more foods, do ladders (just completed the dairy ladder, yay!), but when ex randomly treats her to other things and doesn't communicate it is really hard to know whether her symptoms are due to foods ex has given her, or a reaction to the new foods. It's making the whole process so much longer and trickier than it needs to be.

I'm supposed to have tried her on carrot for a whole month (previously caused an immediate allergic reaction, but now testing negative), but we have tried three times this year and not sure if it is the carrot causing the reaction... or other things.

So I really feel for you as a mum to multiple allergy kids, 20+ at the worst point, luckily mainly non-IGE and no epi-pens.

Random thoughts from reading your posts... McDonald's can be quite good as you can get a full list of ingredients online so can spot any random things that aren't in the top 14. For restaurants I essentially always call ahead and offer for them to call me back, this means the chef has time to look it up and give options, a couple of times I've still shown up and they've given me different information but 9 times out of 10 you can arrive ready to tell the wait staff what you need to order and they then double check. Lots of places will email you full ingredients lists/allergy lists for you to review.

Second I wouldn't assume that stomach issues is naturally an allergy issue at this stage. Bear with me... I know I'd be pissed to hear that! But allergy kids often have sensitive stomachs, and kids who are dealing with going between two parents can often get upset stomachs. It's due to withholding poos when nervous and also the emotions and changing diets (particularly healthy to junk then back again).

And then hopefully the legal advise will help, but if you have concerns with this I would raise it as a safeguarding concern with social services. I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do, but I would have to do something

I never succeeded with my ex in taking it seriously....given allergy plans etc which go ignored. Now the nurse calls him after our monthly phone call, but apart from that he doesn't acknowledge any problem. Dc in high school now and very able to say nope not eating that.
When younger I would pack the basic milk, bread, snack substitutes for the weekend, but apart from that was repeatedly told by cafcass nothing I can do.

I don't have kids with allergies but I just wanted to send my sympathy.

I have an abusive ex who loves the control that comes with deliberately ignoring our kids needs. One autistic and ADHD, one awaiting ND assessments. Ex does the opposite of whatever is advised, refuses to accept diagnoses and argues against any support. Court didn't care.The only think I have found has any positive effect is pretending I don't care and ignoring the issues entirely.

My eldest has ADHD (I am recently diagnosed too!) So I feel your pain! You definitely understand how it feels, trying to explain to others why I don't bring these issues up constantly and just ignore- i try to be as boring as possible by grey rocking everything.

Sorry you're going through this! It's so hard. Hope you have a lovely Christmas with the kids, mine are with their dad.

Thank you for this. Yes, CAFCASS didn't seem bothered at all, the judge took it more seriously though with what they wrote in the court order and the SIO of us both carrying the epi pens etc. Glad to hear tmyour child is strong enough to say no, you've done a great job at making sure your child can look after themselves- so sorry you had to go through that!

Thank you so much for this, that makes so much sense! Actually eases my worries so I appreciate it.
Restaurants- thanks for this! This is good to hear, thank you!

God, when I read things like this I am at a loss as to what to say. What kind of parent is he and why doesn't he care, or want to keep his child safe or be the best parent he can be?

I have no advice only huge amounts of sympathy. And worry! I dont know how you cope. And I'm amazed at the system allowing this sorry excuse for parenting. Thank god the judge had some sense.

Soon, your daughter will be old enough to take charge of her diet and medication. Can't come quick enough. Poor girl. Poor you.

Thank you for this. Makes me feel a little less crazy! His needs come before everything even his kids, and carrying a small bag to protect our daughter is just too much, despite being ordered by the courts to do so. Unfortunately, unless she endd up in hospital with a serious allergic reaction where I can prove that he didn't have the epi pens/didn't treat correctly, in other words he needs to nearly kill her for me to get some support from professionals. It's madness. So just trying to think of ways I can manage it my end. My 6 year old is amazing at understanding his little sister's allergies, and I will continue yo teach them both, just a shame that they understand at 3 & 6 than their dad.