Hello,
I am currently seething in anger (right before Christmas too, I know!) and would like to have your input.
Background: Married for 10 years, two children 7 and 4. Never had a family holiday, but husband has had his 'visit parents abroad for 2 months a year' type holidays each year, plus a holiday with his brother last year while I was undergoing cancer treatment (some of you might remember this). Our marriage has been extremely rocky and we have been trying to "work it out" (to me it is a dead horse but I think it takes a few back and forths before one actually leaves).
So recently he mentioned about us having a family holiday next year, and I became excited about it. He chose the dates (Easter) and we started to make plans- I welcomed this as an attempt to reconciliation. He kept insisting that we must only go for 5 days- and I said that I would like a full 10 days at least to be able to rest and relax, especially after the horrible 2 years I've had. He kept saying no you will be bored etc. Today, he blurted out by accident that he cannot come for longer than 5 days because his brother will be visiting and he cannot leave him for 10 days on his own. Note: His adult brother will be visiting to attend a wedding, will be with his wife and kids at his in laws' place, so by no means will he be on the streets fending for himself.
I became furious at this (and still am) for the following:
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He was having me on about the 5 days being boring etc when in fact he was only suggesting this because he wanted time with his brother. He quite enjoys misleading me and leading me to believe otherwise about pretty much everything- not sure if that is gaslighting or he thinks I am a fool to believe his words every time? It's like a game for him, so now I don't believe a word he says.
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His brother is currently on a long holiday with his family......while we are just spending the days inside our house, not even going out everyday because the mental load of taking him and directing him to everywhere is too much for me.
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Last year his brother left his children to me while he and his wife went away on a small holiday themselves-nothing about this brother wanting to spend time with my husband eh? He prioritised his family!
So I feel like DH prioritises his own family all the time, and me and the children come as an afterthought. It is 100% true in his actions even though his words may say otherwise. He will lie about and protect his "family" at our expense, and has difficulty accepting that me and the children are his "true" family-- because we always come last. If he had been honest with me outright and said look these guys will be visiting so let's just have a short holiday now or even go later once they have left, it would be different. But he lied to me and continues to lie to me about when his brother is coming or IF he will be coming and I am not OK with the lies.
Now, I don't want him to ruin my Christmas break (which he has....as I am back to wanting to separate). Should I just book a holiday for me and our children, for the full 2 weeks of Easter break, and go without him? I mean, he went without a care for 2 weeks while I was in the middle of cancer treatment, and his children needed him (the repercussions of which I am dealing with even now--- my illness negatively impacted both my children!). We could also go away during February half term (when he will be away visiting his parents).
AIBU? Is it a big deal or its just in my head? I am not able to decide whether its a major issue or if its my braincells just fed up of everything, but in any case I don't wish to go on any holiday with him in the picture!