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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Present buying etiquette

27 replies

Nikki3009 · 24/12/2025 14:23

I'm a single mum to one (late teens), my brother & his wife have 3 boys (9, 11, 14). I asked my SIL for gift suggestions for the boys for christmas, this year she asked for clothes. I have struggled to find anything decent for them in my budget of £15-20 per child. Clothes are ridiculously expensive now - how does a Next hoodie with a nice graphic on it cost £25 for an 11 yr old!!

Anyway, after much to-ing and fro-ing to shops and mucking about with having to go and get different sizes, I've managed to get their presents, but does anyone think it's a bit of an imposition to ask for clothes for their older kids (given how expensive they are)? For context they usually get my DD a £20 voucher.

Anyone else in a similar situation? We only buy for the kids so they spend £20 and I've spent around £50. I don't even think it's the money as much as the effort. What would you do - AIBU in thinking they should be trying to match the effort/spend in some way.

OP posts:
Clairey1986 · 24/12/2025 14:27

I think YABU as unless SIL said “this specific hoodie” knowing the price, “clothes” gives a lot of choice. Personally I would have purchased from Primark vs Next for things like hoodies, I find the quality comparable and often better choice. I don’t think the request was an imposition.

QPZM · 24/12/2025 14:28

I do wish people would give a budget when asking for present ideas.

It makes life so much easier for everyone.

TheOccupier · 24/12/2025 14:28

They aren't holding you at gunpoint. Just get the kids an amazon voucher each for whatever you can easily afford.

ThirdStorm · 24/12/2025 14:32

Missing point of thread but I also didn't realise how expensive clothes had got! My nephew similar age has ended up with 1 piece of clothing (a zip hoodie) as more clothes would have meant no toys! And like you I didn't see lots that I even liked for him.

Randomlygeneratedname · 24/12/2025 14:33

I usually say clothes as they are often the cheapest option. A t-shirt with fave character on or something is usually max a tenner. For older kids I would have e just done vouchers, that's what your child gets, no issue.

Zov · 24/12/2025 14:50

Yeah, they'd be getting vouchers from me - £20 each. I had this shit some years ago, with my DB, and 2 cousins (who lived closeby.) They have 10 kids between them. DB has 2, one cousin has 3, the other cousin has 5. I have 2.

I got a bit fed up of buying for 10 kids, as it got a bit much, and the one cousin who has 5 kids, started requesting things for them. Cost me a fortune. And the shit hit the fan when she didn't buy a single fucking thing for either of my 2. (Christmas 2008, not that I'm still salty about it!) 😆 I spent about £120 on her 5 in total (17-18 years ago,) which is like £200 now probably, and my 2 DC didn't even get a fucking 99p mini seclection box each!

I mentioned it to my aunt - after Christmas - that I was surprised that she hadn't got anything for my 2, and she said 'she's got 5 to buy for, what do you expect?!' I said 'well fair enough if she finds it hard buying for my 2 as well, but let me know you can't buy/don't want to buy, don't take the fucking gifts with no intention of giving even a Terry's Chocolate Orange back!'

My aunt was like Hmm This cousin smokes like a fucking chimney too, and goes to the bingo 3-4 times a month.. She has no problem finding the money for either of these!

That was the last time I bought a thing for those 5 kids, or my cousin, or her DP. Inexplicably she and her DP bought a Playstation 3 for the kids, and 3 video games to go with it, and her eldest had a new laptop, and another had a £100 pair of trainers.. Plus tons of other shit. No money left to buy a cunting tiny bar of chocolate for my kids though? I thought 'fuck you.'

tl;dr, If I buy for a gift for anyone now, and they don't buy one back, OR if I give a Christmas card and they don't send one back, I don't give the following year. 'You don't give to receive' can get to fuck.

Bah humbug! 😂

.

Howardyoudo · 24/12/2025 14:52

Yanbu op, clothes are expensive. I wouldn’t do Primark as a gift, they are terrible quality after a few washes.
I never understand when people say clothes are cheap.
next year they will be great ages to give them an Amazon voucher.
we are also mindful of people who have less kids than us (2) and spend a little more on their child.
I think it’s cheeky of her to ask for clothing(expensive) and then give your dd £20.
next year don’t ask and just get them vouchers

JC89 · 24/12/2025 14:56

Clothes doesn't have to mean a hoodie, Next have plenty of nice shirts/tops in your budget. You asked for suggestions, she gave you something that would suit a broad range of budgets. Also if she is giving your DC a voucher you can also do the same for hers then no-one needs to worry about what they will like, they can choose themselves!

13RidgmontRoad · 24/12/2025 14:56

I think it's fine to do a family present in these circs - get a voucher for a local cinema chain so they can go for a movie together, or make them a hamper. Or have a meal out all of you instead of exchanging gifts.

FortyFacedFuckers · 24/12/2025 14:59

In future just get them a JD voucher and they can put it towards some clothes they like

mondaytosunday · 24/12/2025 15:05

A nice t shirt would have been in your budget, or a sweatshirt. Why buy a hoodie?
But if money is tight why not just say no to exchanging presents? Or get them a book each instead? Or a PlayStation/Xbox game for them all to share?

vanillalattes · 24/12/2025 15:09

Why not just get them each a £15/20 voucher for their favourite clothes shop?

zipadeedodah · 24/12/2025 15:14

You asked her what she wanted and she told you.

Next year just go ahead and get them something in your price range without asking them what they want.

LazyLieInLover · 24/12/2025 15:23

I think what's underneath this really is that you have to fork out more because they've got more kids, so the question is should your kid get a 'bigger' present from them to equal out the money... I think probably not, really, on balance, because it's the kids that benefit individually, so making that equal on an individual basis is probably fairest for the kids.

I say this as someone who shells out for a lot of nieces and nephews and am a net giver by a LONG way. I'm not well off, they all earn more than me, but to be fair, with bigger families they do have bigger costs too.
Sometimes I feel I've drawn the short straw, but then I realise it's on me, I want to give to the kids at the level I give. They wouldn't mind if I gave smaller/ didn't give (granted harder to stop once you start as that feels unfair...), but it's ultimately something I want to do.
You just have to decide if it's something you want to do too.

Original poster
Nikki3009 · 24/12/2025 15:24

ThirdStorm · 24/12/2025 14:32

Missing point of thread but I also didn't realise how expensive clothes had got! My nephew similar age has ended up with 1 piece of clothing (a zip hoodie) as more clothes would have meant no toys! And like you I didn't see lots that I even liked for him.

I was shocked at the high prices and low quality and the branded stuff is beyond ridiculous. I just don't know how people afford it :-(

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/12/2025 15:26

I would just get them something cheaper another time! Like a t shirt.

Clothes is a bit of a rubbish suggestion as it’s a present for the parents (who would otherwise have to buy them) not the kids - unless the kids have asked for a specific brand/ type of item.

An Amazon voucher isn’t a bad shout for another time!

Original poster
Nikki3009 · 24/12/2025 15:27

LazyLieInLover · 24/12/2025 15:23

I think what's underneath this really is that you have to fork out more because they've got more kids, so the question is should your kid get a 'bigger' present from them to equal out the money... I think probably not, really, on balance, because it's the kids that benefit individually, so making that equal on an individual basis is probably fairest for the kids.

I say this as someone who shells out for a lot of nieces and nephews and am a net giver by a LONG way. I'm not well off, they all earn more than me, but to be fair, with bigger families they do have bigger costs too.
Sometimes I feel I've drawn the short straw, but then I realise it's on me, I want to give to the kids at the level I give. They wouldn't mind if I gave smaller/ didn't give (granted harder to stop once you start as that feels unfair...), but it's ultimately something I want to do.
You just have to decide if it's something you want to do too.

Actually, it's more to do with the effort. Understandably I'm going to spend more because there are more of them and I accept that, but there is no way they would have gone out and chosen clothes for my 1 child when she was any age. They must have some idea how much clothes for their boys cost so on reflection I think it's a bit much to ask me to get clothes. I won't be doing it again!

OP posts:
herbalteabag · 24/12/2025 15:30

I would have just gone for t-shirts. My son is a teenager and a t shirt would be the main thing in most people's budget. I wouldn't expect anyone else to buy him the hoodies, jeans, jumpers he likes.

Original poster
Nikki3009 · 24/12/2025 15:30

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/12/2025 15:26

I would just get them something cheaper another time! Like a t shirt.

Clothes is a bit of a rubbish suggestion as it’s a present for the parents (who would otherwise have to buy them) not the kids - unless the kids have asked for a specific brand/ type of item.

An Amazon voucher isn’t a bad shout for another time!

Yes, that's how I feel about it. That's why I'm a bit miffed, it doesn't seem like the kids will really enjoy their presents :-(

OP posts:
herbalteabag · 24/12/2025 15:31

Alternatively, a gift card for a shop they like, then they can pay towards it if they like something more expensive.

Milando · 24/12/2025 15:39

If they get your daughter a voucher, why don’t you just get them vouchers?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/12/2025 15:40

13RidgmontRoad · 24/12/2025 14:56

I think it's fine to do a family present in these circs - get a voucher for a local cinema chain so they can go for a movie together, or make them a hamper. Or have a meal out all of you instead of exchanging gifts.

This is a good idea too.

I also wouldn’t ask for suggestions again.

ThirdStorm · 24/12/2025 15:52

Nikki3009 · 24/12/2025 15:30

Yes, that's how I feel about it. That's why I'm a bit miffed, it doesn't seem like the kids will really enjoy their presents :-(

Show quote history

I do wonder. I think of all the gifts I’ve brought, nephew will like the £2 squidgy ball the most! Ha!

ManyPigeons · 24/12/2025 16:49

I think £20 is less than 2 hours minimum wage pay so it’s not a very large budget. It’s not SIL fault that the kids want clothes and your budget is small. Just give them a voucher in future if that’s what you want to do. Primark does some items for £20 or less.

stichguru · 24/12/2025 17:05

£20 for clothes? I am really struggling to see how this is a problem unless you must get them an outfit each! Maybe not graphic-ed hoddies, but a quick look in M&S will tell you that a shirt, T-shirt included branded ones like Minecraft, Jeans or fleeces will be well within budget.