I’m finding myself stuck in a cycle and I’m hoping others might relate/help.
As the risk of sounding 'airy fairy'... I’ve been 'healing' over the past few years and working on myself and cultivating a peaceful life.
I’ve started seeing my family dynamic much more clearly (much too late) and it hasn’t been easy. I'm 37. A decade ago; I was physically assaulted by a sibling and ended up in hospital. My lip was busted so much that it blocked my nose and I had nail marks in my face. My head was slammed into a wardrobe. (I was often assaulted by her, but this time was out of nowhere - genuinely). What hurt almost as much as the assault itself was my parents’ response: they were more concerned about it not being reported or 'getting out' than about my safety. They looked at my face and said: '"Uhm... nothing some make up can't cover up...?" They threatened to cut me off if I ever reported it to the Police - which is what I wanted to do. That sibling is still treated like gold. She's married with kids now - and I am not. I think she is treated like gold because they are scared of her. My brother later told me it was because she had a 'rage disorder' and was on medication for it apparently. He now denies ever saying this, which is utterly mental. I learned early on that I was the one expected to cope quietly.
Now, a decade later - contact with my parents still feels wrong in ways that are hard to ignore. I played nice because they are my parents and getting old.
Every time I go over there, they make me fix stuff for them - which is fine I guess since it’s something I can do. But I feel like I am there only for 'tech support'.
My mother then calls me into the kitchen/shuts the door and starts quietly bitching about my father. Or trying to have secret conversations. She will call me into the kitchen under the guise to ‘help’ her but it’s actually all a ruse. She pulls me into the conservatory and does the same. If she doesn’t want to speak out loud; she will type something into her Apple Notes folder and show it to me quietly so I have to read it. I don’t want to go there if there’s a chance I may be alone with her.
When I invited them out to a neutral place last time where my friends were too; she asked if I wanted to go home with them back to the family home - even though I don’t live with them - and even though the place we were at was ten mins from my place. So for me to go back with them; it would take me far away from my own home. She then slowly dragged her feet and my father had to pull her away. I dislike her and her manipulative ways. The only way I could ever be around them; is if I’m never alone with them in their own home - and if I have a witness as well as a camera/mic recording of everything.
As I’ve started setting boundaries; especially distancing myself from the family home; something strange happens... At first, I feel calm and relieved, like I’ve finally done the right thing. Then the guilt arrives. I start questioning myself: Am I being too harsh? Am I overreacting? Am I a bad daughter? Eventually, that guilt pulls me back in… and the same patterns repeat.
Logically, I can see what’s going on. Emotionally, it’s much harder. Healing has helped me recognise the dysfunction, but it’s also brought up this deep, automatic guilt whenever I choose myself instead of keeping the peace.
I guess I’m wondering: for those of you who’ve stepped back from unhealthy family dynamics, how did you deal with the guilt after setting boundaries? How did you stop it from dragging you back into the same cycle?
This is especially hard as it's Christmas. I am not seeing them and staying in my own home solo.