To feel utterly confused - tw bereavement

[Tartanelf]

My grandmother passed away in October and I'm struggling with how I feel. We had a very difficult relationship as I was raised in part by her and my abusive mother.

My GM was an exceptionally selfish person and would constantly criticise, especially the women in our family. She always made comments about people's weight and hair. I have a disability and have put on weight and I didn't want to see her becausd I know she'd have been talking about me after I left.
On my last significant birthday, she sent me a blank card and told me to write it myself. When I told her I was seeking therapy after the birth of my child, she shouted at me and said "it's always about you isn't it?". She would call me constantly until I stopped doing things for her, then she never bothered calling. I travelled quite a way to see her despite being unwell. I was in so much pain that I was sick. When I arrived at her house I sat down and the first thing she did was to shove papers in my hand for a bill that needed sorting out.

She'd complain about not having contact with my child, when I offered to videocall (as she does with other family members) she told me not to bother. She'd constantly go on about her childhood and repeatedly say "I don't know how I survived" when I'd had an extremely physically abusive childhood.

The truth is, I don't miss her. I feel bad for not missing her but there is a certain relief knowing that I don't have to speak to her again. Ever since I was a child, she'd promised me an item. Just before she passed she told me she'd given it to another sibling. She'd also given her jewellery away to my other siblings. I don't really wear jewellery but it does hurt that I wasn't even considered. I was only ever valued when I was doing something for her, otherwise she wasn't interested. She would say horrible things to me. I remember watching Newsround about a child that cared for her sick parent. She saw the piece and said "she can do it without moaning, why can't you?" This was when I was in primary school.

My family is mourning her but her passing is a relief. AIBU?

When my mother died - yes, I m8ss a lot of things, but there are some things about her behaviour which my life is much better without. Obviously I don't say that to my sister or others close to her. But not all deaths are entirely a loss.

However, in some ways it can make grief more complex, dealing with everyone else, so be easy on yourself.

Grief is weird. There are no rules. Having recently lost my DH, the only advice I can really give is to take each day as it comes.
When DH passed, I too, felt relief; relief that he was no longer suffering & comfort that he was at peace.

I also recently lost my DGran & as much as I adored her, she had dementia and was not herself at all for a long while before she passed.

There is no rule book for feelings & grief is very personal. Some find it all consuming. Others may find they are hit in waves of varying size and intensity (how it seems to be for me about DH) that may or may not be triggered by the oddest thing - a sound, smell or object.

Try not to feel under pressure to feel a certain way. Your family may also be feeling similarly, but outwardly expressing how they feel they SHOULD be feeling.

Take care of yourself.

Thank you both. @DesperatelyConfused6 I'm so sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your childhood OP. It sounds like your mother and grandmother were repeating the same cycle from their own abusive childhoods. There’s absolutely no excuse for that, so well done on getting therapy and ensuring the cycle doesn’t continue to your own child.
In terms of grieving, sadly I anticipate feeling nothing but relief when my own mother eventually passes. Your feelings about your experiences are valid and you don’t need to justify them or compare them to anyone else’s.

Don't feel any guilt for the loss of someone that failed you.
Think of yourself and your own family now , you are a mom who loves her child in a way that you should have been loved, you are better than both your mother and grandmother.
I am never ceased to be amazed at how these awful people treat someone who is the most precious thing that anyone can have.
I had a grandmother who was incapable of love and everything else and I felt absolutely nothing when she died.
Treat yourself kindly but don't feel guilty.

When a relationship is such hard work and even damaging, it’s completely reasonable to be relieved you dont have to climb that mountain any more.

Im afraid I felt relief after both my DF and my FIL died, and they were both much nicer to me than your grandmother was to you. I’m not going to celebrate that I felt that way, but your feelings are yours and nobody else’s business.

I think we have an expectation that we have to feel bereaved when someone we know has died , especially when it's a family member .
In your case , she wasn't very nice to you from a young age , so what do you owe her now she is not about ?
The answer is nothing , it's ok not to feel like you should miss her , or cry .
She was a person who had an impact on you from a young age , and it wasn't a positive one . Don't spend a moment longer feeling the guilt of not being bereaved .

You sound remarkably restrained OP. Don’t you carry a second of guilt for any reason, not every death is a loss

My abusive father - can’t wait until he goes: the relief will wash over me and I’ll be delighted not to have think about him ever again,‘I will be getting the deeley boppers and roller boots out for that one. He’s a horrible man and I went nc years ago. The fact that he’s outlived my mum is a constant source of trauma and pain to me.

Loved my mum to pieces - a
Straightforward uncomplicated grief that echoes our largely uncomplicated and devoted relationship. Yet even then….sometimes I feel a slight relief that she can’t tell me off any more which is completely bizarre although she was famously sharp tongued at times.

Just because someone dies, it doesn’t mean you need to feel sad and upset when they have treated you so badly so don’t feel guilty for not missing her. Why would you miss the abuse? Why did your parents allow it? It’s a difficult time for you but be done with her and move on without giving her a second thought as you sound like you’re more of a decent human being that she ever was. You’re better than her and she was nasty.

Absolutely fine for you not to miss her, OP. It’s normal and understandable, given she was a total witch! X

Thank you for your kind words. In regard to why my parents didn't step in, my mother was far worse so my gm seemed like the lesser of two evils. I once reported my mother to social services for abusing my siblings. My GM stopped talking to me for months because her sister found out. She was always about appearances.

I have managed to recognise the issues and I've done my best to work on them. I was determined not to carry on the toxicity. I would do anything for my DC. Including working on myself so they're free from my past.

I read 2 lines of your original post and I was yeah her parents were shit and her grandmother wasn't much better. Sorry but you know they were all bad and you need to build a firm foundation for you and your own family...it's like they were the little pigs who built out of straw and wood, you need to build out of brick

Thank you. It's not always easy but we are definitely built out of brick. My partner is amazing as is our DC. For the first time in forever, I'm actually looking forward to Christmas. We have our own traditions and I have family in my friends.

Merry Christmas everyone xx