TLDR: Low contact dad (never lived with child/ not present at birth) has seen child 9 times this year and 1 phone call. Dad wants a Christmas Day call. Me (mother) doesn't want him in touch on special day when he makes no effort through the year and the call will give me anxiety and it will be weird for child as they hardly know him. AIBU?
Ten years ago my ex dumped me when I told him I was pregnant as he didn't want another child. I tried very hard to have some sporadic contact when my child was young so I'd have photos etc of them. But he actively hated me and my child and made his feelings pretty clear. He visited 6 times a year because of duty. My child has never met their half-siblings or any family from his side. About two years ago my child asked repeatedly to meet one of his children, he kept saying yes, they are really busy but I'll try to fix it up. He didn't so we stopped asking.
In the last few years things haven't been so bad BUT earlier this year when I asked to discuss seeing his child more he said he was happy with how things were. Unfortunately he also restated he never wanted the child! 9 years on! He has been less toxic this year and we've all got on ok. He always sees the child with me ( never alone). He never makes arrangements in advance. It's ad hoc and slipped in between other things he has on. He's often late or has to rush away. He has seen our child 9 times this year. Last time we saw him (a month ago) he described us as: "relatives not family". I have strong suspicions he's autistic because what a strange thing to say.
Anyway, this week he texted and at the end of the message said maybe we can have a chat on Christmas Day. But he has only spoken to our child once on the phone this year. He just doesn't keep in touch with them at all outside of the visits. He never rings me either to see how they are doing. I still feel very panicky and upset when he is in touch because I'm frightened of what he's going to say. I have endured some awful things but am trying to move on so don't want to rehash that here.
I don't want him to intrude on our family day. Also it would be strange for my child who isn't used to their dad being in touch with them. I want to protect my child as they have been very hurt by him not turning up/ letting them down in the past. I have huge anxiety about having this man in touch on such a special day. I never want to tell him off or lecture him or explain how I feel as I don't want to be that person. I try to write really nice texts to him to be nice and encourage a nice relationship. I'm always bending over backwards to facilitate him. But I want to have a nice Christmas with my family. What should I do? He has a new girlfriend so I reckon they are probably spending it together and he wants to look good in front of her. Am I being unreasonable to avoid a Xmas Day call?