To think I’d have been a different person if this hadn’t happened?

[Turquiosepumkin]

I suppose we can all say this about things to some degree!

When I was 9 I was bullied horribly by three girls in my class for two years. I’d been popular at first school but when I moved to middle school I was put in a class with none of my friends and these three girls came from a different area.
They were awful - they said I was ugly, that my mum should have aborted me, that it would be better if I killed myself, that they were disgusted to even ‘breathe the same air’ as me. They encouraged the other girls in my class to ignore me so if I spoke no one would respond or they’d just mock me.

I put up with it without saying anything for two years as I felt it was my fault and then when they mixed the classes up I wasn’t put with any of them - luckily - and I was fine from then on with plenty of friends.

However - I started self harming at 9 and still do now intermittently. I developed an eating disorder at 11 and it comes back when I am stressed. I have been suicidal on and off since I was 9. I would describe myself as ugly, stupid, a failure, disgusting. I hate telling people my name - which is just a normal name - because they made it into something else. I feel like the person they saw is who I am and if anyone seems to like me they just haven’t realised that I’m actually a loser.

It’s been over 30 years. It hampers me every single day. I am awkward socially. I never put myself forward for anything. I always assume people don’t like me or only want to be friends out of pity or convenience. I rarely show anger or disappointment, I just tolerate. I expect nothing from anyone and if someone does hurt me I think, yes, of course.

Ive had therapy for this but it never really goes.
I feel frustrated that it has been so long and this is still having an impact on every sphere of my life. Loads of kids get bullied and bounce back.

any advice? Aibu to feel like I’d have been someone else entirely without this?

I had a similar experience in high school OP, and have had since struggled with low self esteem and making friends, so I empathise. I don't have any advice but you're not alone

Never have I read a thread and wanted to smother someone in hugs and the best love and warmth.
OP, you definitely would have been different had you met your person who would have made you laugh until you ached, was super excited to see you, hear your news, share fun stuff with and been your defender.
It’s a disaster that you met 3 cunts. And yes, they were cunts.
If I could go back in time I would definitely punch them right in the face and told them to pick on each other.

You are bloody LOVELY. LOVELY. Don’t argue with me, it’s a statement and not up for debate.

I’ve heard of 80 year olds still recalling their school days with sadness. I’m sorry the adults around you failed to protect you.

ill always wonder about the person I could have been too. Childhood bullying isn’t harmless, it can cut a person off at the roots and you carry them awful memories and shame all your life.

Still to this day I shout a rude word at myself when I'm run down, tired and lack resilience. The word is a cruel slur used by my school bullies. I hate the word and would never say it anyone, yet I can't stop the tic when I'm stressed.

Children are so deeply affected by bullying, it really shapes them at a time of growth and development.

OP, you have internalised their words at a time your brain was forming, which is probably why it's almost impossible to unlearn. However you can override those negative thoughts when they happen by practicing correcting them out loud and rewriting the narrative.

You sound like a lovely person and someone I'd love to be good friends with. Clearly you didn't struggle to make friends once you found yourself in a new class, so there must be a lot to love about you. Be kind to yourself x

I wasn't bullied, but I have struggled with all the other things in your post. There is no way of knowing if your life would've been any different. Don't give up on therapy and trying to heal, things can get better 💓
My self-esteem improved when I learnt to accept that I am socially awkward and some people love me as I am, some don't but no one is universally loved. Self-harm and disordered eating improved when I learnt to accept that I will have bad days but I can get through them and from learning what I can and cannot control.

You’ve got so much life left to live. You have to let all this go. Somehow. OP, most of us are average looking and have all kinds of trauma. I can guarantee that nobody thinks those things said to you 30 years ago. Please get help. Sending a huge hug. X

In all honesty, no I don't think you'd have been a completely different person if this hadn't happened.

Not to say that what happened wasn't awful, if course it was. But the reason you internalised it to such an extent and tolerated it for so long is likely down to something innate within your personality.

I think unfortunately it's the combination of these awful events and the type of person you are conspiring to give you the worst possible outcome. Keep on with the therapy, but I'd get rid of the idea that this has shaped you forever, it's your story not theirs. It's your power, not theirs.

When you said, "Loads of kids get bullied and bounce back," that really resonated with me. I heard Philippa Perry say on podcast recently (not about bullying, but about other childhood stuff), "some kids are like dandelions - they can thrive in almost any conditions; some are like orchids." I was definitely more on the orchid side of things! And still am to be honest.

Over the years I have seen numerous therapists/counsellors. I had one counsellor when I was younger who I saw for a few years - she helped a lot (though I was still very down a lot of the time). I have recently started seeing a therapist who is helping me so much. In just a few months I feel so much more in control and I understand my emotions a lot better. And I am happier. To the extent that before I started therapy part of me was convinced I had to leave my job and my partner. But now without any particular changes (other than me being a bit more honest with people) I am happier in both my job and my relationship, and I remember why I chose both.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I remember saying to my therapist, why didn't I start therapy years ago. But actually in the past ten years she is the 4th or 5th person I have seen. She just turned out to be the right person for me. So all this to say that if therapy hasn't worked maybe it just wasn't the right therapist for you, and I would recommend trying again.

Sometimes I do wonder why I find things affect me so much more than other people. I guess the answer is that I'm a different person to them. I feel like it may come with other advantages - I am kind and caring in a way lots of other people aren't. But I'm not fully sure yet (might talk to my therapist about that!)

When I had therapy, my therapist told me that I'm keeping some wounds open because deep down I still hope for justice, for someone to charge those who caused me pain and to punish them. And that it will never happen, so really it was just me keeping myself from healing. It was a huge shock to my system and made me look at myself in a different way... somehow this was the kick in the arse I needed to let myself heal. Your post reminded me of this. I hope that you too will one day be able to let your wounds heal.

I’m sorry you had that experience. I was also horribly bullied at school, between ages 8-12 and the experience sounds similar. It was also boarding school so no reprieve at home at the end of the day.

It’s taken me most of my adult life to unpack this, but with therapy what I’ve come to really believe is that it’s not what happens to you but how you perceive it, which affects your outcome. Obviously some exceptions to that such as sexual abuse or similar. But for other types of things - I now see those kids as very damaged/hurt children playing out their own issues on the child version of me. It wasn’t about me, it was about them.

I had tried a couple of different therapists before and never got much from it. This one just seemed to unlock something. It wasn’t quick, took a year or more. But I feel like a different person now.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, you clearly believe that. But lots of people have awful and traumatic things happen to them and don't let it define their whole life. You sound like you hyper-fixate on this time in your life and imagine what could have been if only it hadn't happened. Instead of focusing on the present and future and things you can have some control over.

I know you said you've had therapy. But you sound like you need support to try and change your mindset. I don't know what sort of therapy that is. Hypnosis maybe? Something to allow you to accept that the bullying happened a long time ago and is done and can't be changed. But you have the rest of your life to focus on and what do you want to do/want to change with that.

If it helps, the research I read when doing a child development course said kids who are bullied have similar or worse outcomes in adulthood than children who are sexually abused. You went through a significant trauma over two years at a young age. Don’t blame yourself for the impact it had. It’s had the same impact on others who went through what you did. I worked with an adult man who said he has never really recovered from the bullying he experienced as a child.

Have your tried that eye movement densensitisation therapy. It’s the gold standard for trauma therapt

I think we can usually recall a trigger or traumatic event that seemed to start off our mental health problems. They encourage that in therapy I think. So it's very common for negative childhood experiences to link to low self esteem, ED and SH.

Have you sought therapy? Please know you're not alone and having had these bad experiences. It's probably too simplistic to say that specific thing directly caused all your issues. But it would certainly contribute to them.

Maybe. But probably not. Anxiety and eating disorders are pretty strongly heritable. Meaning you probably had the predisposition well before the catalyst.

That isn’t to say it was right, or good, or that you shouldn’t have been supported at school. Of course you should have. Bullying is awful even if a child bounces back. And adults have a responsibility to protect children.

But thinking that bullying is The Reason can stunt self-development. If the cause is external, the cure isn’t under your power either. But if the control is yours, internal, then you can make changes.

I’ve had EMDR.
I think the problem is that I shut it down because I feel like the therapist will then also think I’m disgusting. It’s not conscious, I just filter without thinking about it.

I think that’s the issue, it feels ingrained and so I react / think things before I’ve had chance to intercept them.
I agree that some children bounce back more quickly, I think it didn’t help that about three months after the bullying I was diagnosed with a life changing long term condition and in hospital on and off for two years so it was like I never had time to recover between the two things and now they are kind of linked in my mind.

Maybe I need to try a new therapist.

Thank you. This is very kind and I appreciate it.

I was bullied from 7+ (also started at a new school) up until I left school. Although it was reported to the various schools, it wasn't dealt with in a way that stopped people from targeting me (largely for my appearance, my name, my accent, I was "bright", weird, etc.). I was advised by my mother to, "ignore it and they'll get bored". Unfortunately, they did not, and my confidence couldn't have been scraped off the floor... so I was a sitting target, really. I stopped talking to anyone outside of certain family members (incidentally, the ones who didn't make a point of how I looked).

I am ambivalent about my looks, and feel awkward when people compliment me on something that is just 'there' (i.e. something that I didn't achieve). My appearance doesn't really matter to me, and I have no interest. Indeed, not paying attention to it is a good way to weed negative people out, because they're bound to have a problem with what they can see! I legally changed my name because I was made to hate it, and I'm glad that I didn't acquire the local accent, because it sounds worse every time I go back and visit family! Over the years, I've realised that I'm not very good at conforming, so I gave that up as a bad job, and being weird is much simpler and more interesting.

I got to sixth form and was surprised that I had friends. Not many, but people were actually nice to me, which was weird. Although I come across as polite nad friendly on the outside, I don't actually trust people properly. I have anxiety that is made worse by other people. I still tolerate certain people putting me down and making me feel like s*, and I sit there thinking, "Why?" (mainly my manager, but I'm working on this). My confidence is better, and I can speak to anyone unless I'm ridiculously anxious, but it's still not where I'd like it to be. I did, however, see one of my ex-bullies, who came from a whole family of them, and whose sibling tried to set my hair on fire on the school bus. I gave her my best sniffy look and told my otherwise friendly puppy, "No. We do not associate with people like that" and walked by. I think that she might have got the point (or at least, I hope that she did!).

I don't think that it ever wears off, to be honest. It's always going to be a part of you, as much as you don't like it... and though a lot of people are bullied at school and 'bounce back', I imagine that it changed them too, perhaps in ways that you can't see. Overall, I think that people who were bullied would be a lot more confident and tolerant of themselves if they hadn't had years of being put down by other people.

Maybe try and find a therapist who does in depth psychotherapy and EMDR? IME EMDR is an absolute game changer BUT I can imagine it isn't going to work for everyone without first building a great therapeutic relationship with the therapist.

That trust is built by you repeatedly experiencing yourself being 100 % honest with the therapist and repeatedly experiencing that their reaction is of empathy, respect and care, not "disgust".

Then it's worth another go with the EMDR because it can really break the sense of being chained to a past event.

Also, can you think back to your little 9 year old self and say to her what you would say to another 9 year old going through that hell? Can you give her a hug? Can you tell her that you will listen to her, that what the bullying girls are doing is wrong and that it's not her fault?