SC and presents from extended family

[Pppiglets]

I have SC and a DC with DH.

My grandparents are in their late 80s and in fairly poor health. They have met SC once. My uncle and his family have never met SC. All live hours away whilst SC primarily live with their mum 2hrs in the other direction, so it’s not easy to get them together even if we wanted to.

Grandparents and uncle have sent cards naming everyone in the family, but only presents for DC.

AIBU to think this is absolutely fine?

I should maybe point out that grandparents and uncle’s family have only met DC a few times too.

As step parent and a step child this is absolutely fine. They barely know each other.

This is totally normal. Same as your child won’t get anything from SC other side of their family.

Do the grandparents and Aunts/Uncles of DSC send gifts to your DC?

TBH, if they saw them lots and you did lots of family stuff together, I think it would be an issue.

My DC don't get presents from my husband (their stepdads) family and my stepkids don't get any from my family. Nobody bats an eye, they have hardly any relationship with then.

Yanbu, it’s absolutely fine. You chose the SC not them. I wouldn’t impose this on anyone. SC will also receive gifts from their DM side which your kids won’t get.

Of course it's fine.

Who has said it’s not fine?

I think it’s fine that they don’t get them presents. Maybe a token something if the DC was going to get something from them at a family gathering would be nice.

DH saw DC’s gifts under the tree and asked if SC had been sent any. When I said no he just sort of sighed and raised his eyebrows.

I know SC get a lot of gifts from their stepdad’s family and SC are quite open that receiving double presents is an upside to having divorced parents!

Out of interest who paid for, chose, and shopped for SC’s presents from you and DH?

Chose and shopped, me; paid for, him!

It's fine but not what I'd do in their shoes. It's not hard to put together a fiver of child tat from B&M or a box of chocolates.

I’d be letting him know he’s welcome to go shop himself for presents for DSC if he feels so strongly about any possible disparity!

It’s fine but at the same time I real life there’s ‘fine’ and ‘nice/ decent’. It would be nice/ decent of them to think of your situation and throw in a tub of sweets/ name your sc on a card. I’ve friends whose sc are left out at time or she makes a point of calling them sc and you can see it affects them. Never any need for kids to be made to feel different, if even friends of the kids are about around Christmas time they get a packet of sweets

I think if they were to see them over Xmas, it would be nice to be included in the gifts, but no need to otherwise.

I don't think it's fine but it's also not your fault. A decent human would buy the SC a gift.

My BIL has a step child. I've briefly met him, for like 30 seconds once. Met is an overstatememt as he was too shy to speak to me. But I bought him a gift when I bought my "real"* nephew a gift too.

They're small kids, it really isn't hard to buy a child a toy!!!

*I know "real" is a terrible word, I am using it sarcastically.

How old are the various children? Presumably they have family on both sides who buy them stuff?

I wouldn't buy things for children I have no actual relationship with, unless I was actually going to spend time with them over Christmas, and then it would only be a token gift. Your relatives can choose who they want to buy gifts for.

If it bothers your DH, he can even things up by putting a couple of extra parcels that he's bought under the tree.

I would consider allowing your child to open the presents from the extended family early, so there isn't one massive pile for your kid and less for them. But ultimately you can't make other people buy them gifts.

step-children have their own family to send them presents, so surely it balances out?

You can't expect everyone to buy something for absolutely everybody.

We don’t have SC on Christmas Day this year so they won’t see them being opened. If we did, I’d probably get DC to open them at another time.

SC are 10-15 so not at the age of wanting toys or tat.

Honestly as the SC in this situation for years, I didn’t care! Especially when over the age of 10, they’re old enough to understand they get presents from their relatives - those people aren’t relatives. Double presents was definitely a bonus of having two families though, and two christmases!

Your DH needs to think, why would his children get presents from people who don’t know them / aren’t related to them / don’t have a relationship with them? They clearly get enough presents already!