Whats happening to my realtionship?

[Shani85]

Been with my partner for 10 years first 6-7 years were amazing he is my best friend we do everything together and have the same interests and I do love him..the past few years we started argeuing quite abit and I noticed when i try to say how I feel he shuts me down, says its in my head, that i am to blame, that he has done nothing wrong, he doesnt even let me talk as he either talks or shouts over me. The past 6 months or so its got worse i cant even address a problem he gets angry really quickly and shuts me down. He is tight with money but only to me, he will give his kids who are 30 and 19 money all the time (which is fair enough as they are his kids) but he can never afford to take me out and whenever we go anywhere he always says he is skint and I pay for everything. In the whole 10 years he hadnt taken me out or away anywhere or treated me, he doesnt offer to pay for days out its always me that pays..I pay for all hotels or events we go to and always have over the 10 years. Whats happening now is everything he does annoys me, I dont find him funny anymore, we dont live together but we went from seeing eachother 4-5 times a week to now once a week..Its Stange because i feel better when im not around him but im angry that we only see eachother once a week..we hardly sleep together maybe once every 2 months, when we go to events we seem to argue, the connection has gone and due to this ive started to feel i dont trust him and when he is on his phone ive started to wonder if he is talking to someone else..in my heart i know he isnt but my head says i dont trust him anymore..I feel drained when i am around him and feel judged and no confidence when around him but i do love him and am scared of him not being in my life. Is this the end of our relationship? I csnt see myself living with him im worried i would be left paying all the bills but Im worried its me and that ive turned into a horrible person and would be a mistake if i ended it. I am 41 and possibly peri menopause sometimes my hormones are all over the place i am also autistic so struggle to understand my feelings

I am sorry this is happening. Personally I think it might be time to put an end to it. Mainly because it sounds like it has naturally come to an end. Could it be that because of your autism you are more afraid of the change and therefore reluctant to end it? I don’t think it’s good he never treats you and you pay for everything. In some relationships that’s the dynamic and that’s ok, but then at least he should be respectful to you, and that doesn’t seem to be the case here. Don’t be afraid to end things; something new and exciting in life will appear and you will feel happier & lighter.

You never moved in together.
DP was never able to practise and show you how he learnt to compromise and respect your opinions. It was easy for him to almost forge on with a life without high regard for listening to you.

Call it quits.

I'm sorry OP. It's sad when a relationship fizzles out after so many years but sometimes it happens. You aren't happy and clearly neither is he. Resentment has seeped in, and once that happens it's impossible to come back from as you don't like the person he is anymore. It would be kinder to both of you to end it.

It's run its course, OP.

Take some time to reflect on your relationship and what you liked and disliked about this one if you were to get into another relationship in the future. The paying for everything isn't something I'd want - not that I'd expect a man to pay for me all the time, either, but to me, he sounds pretty selfish.

Read your post back as if it was a friend asking for advice - would you be advising her to stay? I think you know the answer, if hes mot bring value to you life and is draining you, whats the point?

I say this as someone who has recently ended what, in hindsight, was a very toxic relationship. It was great in the beginning, i was the last one to realise how bad things had got - many similarities with you such as being told im the problem, its all in my head and 'im happy, if youre not thats on you'

Ending it was hard but the best thing ive done. Now, i have time and space in my life for the things i love and no one putting me down on a daily basis or gaslighting me.

All the best to you!

Why have you let him take advantage of your (misguided) generosity for 10 - TEN!! - years…

Where are your boundaries, your self esteem?

I would suggest you read WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH. You will find it enlightening.

It sounds like it's over, your just prolonging the ending. You haven't give any reason to continue other than you love him. You can't talk through your issues with him, so they will never be resolved. You hardly see him and are happier when you're not with him, so probably best to just not see him. I don't think you will regret ending it. I do think you will regret wasting more years on him.

Thankyou everyone for taking the time out to read this and reply..im very grateful for all the honest replies.. I know in my heart is over and im prolonging it out of fear of being on my own and the thought of having to date again etc also due to my autism im very routine and find change hard but i also know i dont want to feel like this anymore and I wsnt more for myself. Your comments have made me see that what im experiencing isnt right and i do need to go my own way which is what i knew but hearing it just reassures me its the right thing.