To feel really sad about my marriage

[Georock]

I have next 2 weeks off work and I have wasted it being unhappy at home. I have 2 kids aged 10 and 7 and been married for 15 years. I just feel do u happy in my marriage and stuck. Problem is I have no support if I do leave as I don’t talk to my family apart from having a superficial relationship plus I don’t have close friends. It all stems from my childhood trauma of abuse both physical and sexual which has made me unable to make meaningful relationships with people. I feel stuck and sad all the time - actually when I’m working I feel happier but I’m exhausted. I realises r to be fun mum and do things but my energy is low and I’ve spent all week eating and drinking. If my husband’s more caring and loving I could heal but he doesn’t care about me.

Your husband can't be responsible for your healing, not cant anyone else. You need therapy, to make some friends, to work on or leave your marriage and to move on with your life.

@Minjou i don’t mean to sound like he’s responsible for my healing I mean if he was more loving towards me then I could heal myself. We haven’t had sex since I got pregnant with my youngest. He doesn’t even ask me how I am. I do everything around the house and for the kids and he does nothing. He doesn’t even interact with the kids. I had bad flu and didn’t have the energy to put up tree or decorations or even buy presents and he’s not bothered about making anything nice for the kids. I’ve done it all this week whilst still recovering, he never asks if I’m okay or even knows anything going on in my life.

Then separate. If you're unhappy and he doesn't engage whats his purpose in your life?

Completely agree with that.
Relationships are reciprocal. If you are miserable, it's not your partner's job to fix it. Build a life outside of a marriage - have a drink with people from work, find a hobby, go to an art gallery. Once you are happier in yourself, people in your life will follow suit.

I am sorry you are having a tough time.
Do this today

1. Put on some Christmas music and get the 10 year old and seven year to go room to room with you and do a quick tidy of the house. You will feel better if your environment is tidy
2. Do one fun thing today. Go for a walk to look at the Christmas lights, if you don’t have the energy to walk jump in the car if you have one. You maybe need to see a doctor if this persists as could be depression. Could you also speak with your husband. Maybe he has shut down as you are so sad all the time and he could be depressed too. There is a way back from all this sadness.

You have a lot going on, and it’s hard to see if this would be solved just by your husband being more caring.

You should seek therapy to see if your childhood trauma is the cause of this unhappiness and how you can deal with this.

Id also suggest seeing your GP about possible medication to help you cope with the here and now.

If you believe your marriage can’t be saved (which to be honest seems to be the case) then separating is your only route to happiness. You can look at it like years wasted or you can see it as saving yourself from wasting even more time by staying. He evidently isn’t caring or showing you any remote kindness, love or compassion.

I echo PP who suggested counselling, maybe then you’ll feel strong enough to leave.

Can you manage financially without his contribution?

*I mean if he was more loving towards me then I could heal myself.”

Nope., OP. You take responsibility for yourself. I know it’s a cliché, but you need therapy and to start thinking about the different areas of your life and how you want to improve them. In the end, we are, each of us, all alone. It’s up to you, I’m afraid, but there are ways that you can help yourself and I suggest you start looking for them.

It is not your husband‘s responsibility to be some sort of therapeutic aid to your self fulfilment. I suspect he’s probably pretty unhappy, too. It might be worth putting yourself in his shoes and thinking what he might’ve written on here.

I just feel drained. He doesn’t like me having anyone over the house do kids friends etc. and I feel drained to meet people outside I just get anxious. He tells me it’s his fucking house and I can’t have anyone over. I know what people are saying that he’s not responsible for my healing but I disagree as if he was nicer to me then I would t be so unhappy.

No it's not his job to be a therapist, but it IS his job to show OP love and consideration and i think thats all shes asking for.

OP you do sound like you could benefit from some therapy - I was abused as a child too and it has a profound impact on you. You also sound like you need to get rid of your dead weight husband - do you feel trapped with him?

Have you had therapy for your trauma? Saying that if he was more loving towards you, you could heal yourself? I don’t think it works like that. Then you are reliant on somebody else making you feel better.

If you’ve been sick and are tired and carrying the burden of organising everything for Christmas - that’s not going to help your mood, so not surprising you feel a bit resentful. Take your husband out of the picture and go and spend a nice day with your children, or alone x

Thank you yes that’s what I mean just take today as an isolated incident - he’s gone off in the car - the only car we have and left me and kids here. I tried talking to him yesterday about making plans for today but he said he doesn’t mind. He just leaves all the time without telling us or even checking on the kids. I feel so upset, he could have taken kids with him where ever he went to. He never asks me for input and just does whatever he wants.