Aibu to think that my feelings defatting Christmas should be less intense?

[Billower]

Hi everyone,
i’m trying to understand my strange relationship with Christmas as an adult, and just wondered if anybody else feels the same?
As a child, I absolutely loved Christmas. I can remember feeling almost depressed when it was over and had to take the decorations down. My love of Christmas has continued into adulthood. I look forward to the festive season.
The problem I have is that when the season is here, I have this weird feeling of guilt and almost desperation to re-create things that happened during Christmases years ago. I think a lot of it relates to the fact that Christmas was such a happy time for me as a child.
an example of what I’m talking about is Christmas films. There are certain Christmas films that I just have to watch and if I haven’t watched them before Christmas Day, I feel as I have failed. I know that probably says absolutely crazy. It sounds crazy to me. You’re writing it down but for example I always like to watch home alone and I’m conscious I haven’t watched it yet. There are also certain things I like to do with my son, for example, going to the Christmas market, going out for walks looking at Christmas lights, play the old Christmas LPs on the vinyl player. These are all lovely things but when I do get round to doing them I just feel a sense of relief that I’ve managed to get it done!!
I also keep thinking back to happy Christmas memories from years ago and feel sad that I’m unlikely to feel this again. When I’ve tried to recreate these memories I end upset and disappointed.
it’s such a strange thing. Today I feel sad that it’s almost here and I don’t feel that I’ve made the most of December. I’m not like this in any other area of my life.
it’s as though I’m chasing the perfect Christmas that doesn’t exist.
can anyone relate?

OP, do you have other mental health issues or trauma? Because this really does sound a bit odd.

It’s nice to have traditions. It’s weird to feel relief at ticking them off, rather than just enjoying them. It’s weird to feel like you have failed by not watching Home Alone. Try to stop thinking so much about past memories or making future memories, and actually stop to enjoy the moment now.

Hi,

yes I suffer frim depression and anxiety. I’m generally v unhappy and feel disappointed with my life and some of the choices I’ve made. I miss my dad too- he died in 2024. He was my very best friend. So much of my happiness was linked to him. It was all him x

In that case, I would make 2026 the year to get treatment and/or counselling in general. And well ahead of Christmas next year plan the things that you want to do now, list the things that are nice as memories but don’t have to be done again, and then the optional extras which are nice if you find spare time but won’t matter if you don’t. Ask your son what his favourite things are, and maybe start some new traditions. He is where you can focus your happiness now.

Do you only get compulsions and obsessions like this around christmas? Do you generally struggle with changes in routine?
I’m absolutely not an expert but it does sound similar to some of my friends’ and family member’s experiences with ocd and autism

I'm sorry for your loss OP. My Dad died in February and this will be our firdt Christmas without him. I've been feeling quite low but putting a brave face on for our son. Hope you get to enjoy your traditions and they aren't a chore. Take care x