AIBU? Issues with my elder brothers bragging

[CaffeineChaosandCuddles]

I am a mum of 2, 5 year old girl and 18 month old boy.

my elder brother has 1 child, a boy, 9 months old.

AIBU to be miffed at the fact him and his girlfriend brag a LOT about what their son can do that mine can’t? I’ve never said anything, but it WINDS ME UP.

my son isn’t pointing or waving yet and has limited words, he was born extremely premature and has a hearing loss. I have concerns for my little boy I just want the best for him- but then I get the pair of them coming round and posting in the family group like…

’Jude has waved today, look wave at him, he’ll wave… is Arthur still not waving? Aw. I’m sure he will get there’

I want to scream. I hate braggy parents and it puts me off seeing my brother and my nephew AIBU?

( side note: they know about my sons delays and how they make me concerned )

This was my first initial thought too. I highly doubt they’re being malicious about it unless there’s some sort of backstory where they’ve got form for not being nice people.

OP, you should definitely speak to your brother about this. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to be excited and want to share these things on a family group chat - ur but bringing your baby into it is upsetting you and is worth a conversation.

I think I'd have answered along the lines of 'Arthur is doing great considering how premature he was, he's such a warrior and will wave when he finds something worth waving at, all children are different'.

I completely understand why you're upset and you have every right to be. I've got a 3.3 year old who is still non verbal and I know how hard it is when people keep asking "is he talking yet?" Just to let you know, my little one didn't point with just one finger until he was at least 23 months old and didn't consistently wave until 2&a half. So the fact that your son was prem and has hearing problems could definitely be playing a part. But I guarantee he will catch up😊 I'd honestly just say to your brother that though you are thrilled for your nephew's milestones, could he please refrain from rubbing salt in the wounds when he knows your little one is delayed. I think you need to stop worrying about how your mom will take it and stand up for yourself, especially as she's defending him over you anyway. Your DS sounds lovely and you'll see, he'll be catching up before you know it😊

There’s 2 scenarios here… there’s celebrating my nephews successes, absolutely - I’ll always scream them from the roof top and then there’s actively mentioning my boys name against something they know he isn’t doing, like a 1 up that their boy 11 months younger than my son is doing what my son can’t. That’s what hurts.

I hear you OP. They can celebrate their little one without referencing where your little one is at like it's a competition or something. I think your mum should tell him to send them only to her.

Our prem babies are miracles, my prem bub is almost 3 and I'm still so proud of the most minor things he does because I'll never forget how far he's come. I don't know if you've seen this poem from Dear NICU Mama but I find it lovely :

"your child is delayed" they said, "we'll watch them closely till they're two"
"Your child is behind" they said "in math and reading too"
If only they could see the ways they fought so hard at birth
and overcame so much before they ever spoke a word.
I promise to do all I can to make sure they succeed
but my number one priority is that they know they are loved by me.
My child's worth can't be contained in numbers, scales or charts.
Their essence and their beauty is found in their joy and in their heart.
Every milestone they reach is a mountain they've had to climb
and as they reach each summit? I'll say "my love, you're right on time".

This is so beautiful and a lovely reply. My twins [boys] didn't make it out of the NICU but everytime I see a baby that did, it warms my heart to see them, even though its hard sometimes. These babies are special and unique and trust me Op, if your brother had half the understanding to see what a battle - birth to where you are now was, they wouldn't be making such stupid comparisions.

I know its hard but realise their comments are nothing more than "outside noise" your little man is the only important factor here and I know the fear is real when you are worried about your little boy but your family is your priority. Dont allow this hurt to eat you up.

Also children can change, and it is very possible to develop hearing loss at any time. To boast about your child not having any particular condition and putting down or mocking your relative's child, is stupid as well as nasty.
Tell them-clearly and calmly-that you don't appreciate this, and that if it continues, you just won't be able to see them again.

YANBU. As it sounds like your DM understands, could you ask her to have a word with your DB before Christmas? Just something like "Although we're all very excited to hear about baby Einstein's progress, do you think you could share without making comparisons to @CaffeineChaosandCuddles's little one?"

That's extremely hurtful and insensitive behaviour from your brother. I think you need to address this head on outside of the family group chat. A text saying something like 'Hi Bro, I love hearing about Nephew, but it really hurts when trying to compare him to Arthur. You know Arthur isn't waving yet and how difficult and worrying his little life has been do far, and your Insta post really stung. I'd really appreciate you leaving Arthur out of your posts about Nephew's achievements from now on. Look forward to seeing you on Xmas day etc'

Friendly yet direct.

I don't think it's unreasonable to have a word about asking if your ds is doing things, but I don't think it's reasonable to ask them not to post about what their DC is doing. I expect you posted similar for your first DC and they probably found it pretty boring.

We weren't particularly share every first (although harder to do back then anyway) but I do remember with dc1 phoning up grandparents so they could hear her laughing for the first time.

I suspect though rather than trying to rub your nose in it, as others have said, they're trying rather clumsily to include your DC. And they don't "know" he hasn't done it yet: their DC wasn't doing it yesterday, and now is, so they could be thinking that your DC started doing it since the last time you saw each other - as well unless it was specifically commented on, they may simply not remember as it's not as important to them.

Mute the chat so you can look at it when you want to and remember that most people, including yourself, are fairly self centred but aren't generally trying to upset others. They're just getting on with their own lives.

I'm so sorry op. I think if it were me I'd say:

"Well done Jude! Hi hi (waving). DB, do not ever compare the children. OK? You can celebrate Jude without comparing him to Arthur. I am very serious about this and don't want to have to say it more than once."

I think that should be enough. You don't need to elaborate.

[Not the same situation in any way but I've had to be very firm with my Dm about not comparing my 2 DC and forcing herself to treat them equally.]

He’s their first child, some people are utterly insufferable with their first like your brother and SIL. Genuinely think they’re the messiah or something. They shouldn’t be comparing him to your DS though when they must surely know his medical background. I’d gently explain how insensitive it is to them.

And look, I will also say that I have 5 DC and the youngest has SEN and is ‘non verbal’ so we’ve learnt to celebrate the small things with him together as a family. It’s quite humbling to be frank, you don’t get caught up worrying about trivialities.

I don't quite agree that you should ignore your DB and do nothing about this- at some point Jude and Arthur will start to understand some of these comparisons and it'll be damaging to both of them. "Never compare the children" is a simple and easy rule to remember and repeat (that I've had to use on my DM).

I suspect though rather than trying to rub your nose in it, as others have said, they're trying rather clumsily to include your DC

That's a really kind spin on it and I hope it's true. Still needs nipping in the bud obviously but hopefully hasn't been as malicious as it comes across

How about responding "No, he isn't but he's had to overcome challenges that, luckily for you, yours will never have". Polite but to the point with a touch of passive aggression to let them know they are hitting a nerve.

This

This.
Your mum isn’t that great if she’s happy to pander to your insensitive brother and encourage you to not make a fuss.
Put yourself and your family first and speak up. You don’t have to be rude, but please don’t keep swallowing that poison down, far better to speak your mind in a constructive and respectful way.

Call them out on it.

That's really mean what they're doing. Can you prepare a standard answer that you can just copy and paste in every single time they do this? Hopefully it will if not make them feel bad atleast look bad in the group chat. Like;

So happy for my beloved "Leo's" progresses. As you all know "Tom" was born prematurely and will make the milestones in his own time. We are just happy that he's happy and healthy because we could have lost him in the early days. I hope you all understand that comparing children's development in general is unnecessary - they will all hit their milestones at some point - but comparing with a premature born is disingenious at best.

Then zoom out and grey rock. I understand how you feel @CaffeineChaosandCuddles having an autistic child myself.

I would just keep explaining to them, calmly and in a friendly way, that a) it's not a competition and b) remind them of your DC's difficult start. If they have a sensitive bone in their bodies they will shut up.

This is fantastic and the only reason AI was invented

This brought tears to my eyes xxx

The only way forward here is to speak to your brother and tell him how this is making you feel. It’s more thoughtless than malicious, so point it out so they can be a bit more sensitive in future.

'Waving? Thats easy .....Arthur has mastered Semaphore' accompanied by a photo of Arthur waving a coloured hanky.

Tell him all children are different and to shut the fuck up!