I’ll start by saying that I’m due on any day now and full of simmering rage so am fully prepared to be told I’m being unstable (unreasonable). This may also be long but I want to include all of the context if I can.
I’m almost 40, mostly happily married, two brilliant teenage dc. We both work a lot of hours, him for himself, me stressful shift work with unplanned overtime and we’ve recently sold our old family home and moved to a new house which has improved our finances significantly. We’ve been together since I was 20, DH is two years older.
We get on well, spend time together, sex life still regular and good, he would probably say that he wants it more often but I don’t think he does too poorly considering I’m exhausted from working rotating nights and am also quite badly anaemic at the moment which has messed me up a bit. He does his fair share at home, ferries the dc to clubs and does the shopping / cooking while I cover the cleaning and washing.
The issue is that he never plans anything for us. I like to get out and about, we usually try to make Sunday a family day and I will often make plans, keep an eye on things that are on locally, think up things related to the dc’s interests and friends that I think they will like. Not always things which cost a lot of money, sometimes just simple things like a family bike ride or a dog walk and a coffee or a sleepover for the dc for example.
DH doesn’t really complain if I’ve planned something and comes along quite happily but would never say to me for example, “What are we doing Monday night, I was thinking we could go for a hike at so and so or I’ve booked tickets for such and such” He just doesn’t plan anything for us all.
He can be quite sexually motivated and I sometimes feel as though he would like to do more just the two of us without the dc now they are older so I’ll often make a suggestion that we should go for a run together at the coast or out for a drink etc.
I feel that he worries about finances sometimes after a difficult few years money wise so I tend not to push for anything expensive like a weekend away etc even though we both earn well and are in a much better position these days than we used to be. He takes a lot of the worry on himself, especially being self employed so I’m conscious of this. We aren’t on the breadline or anything but need to build savings and be sensible.
There is a lovely looking cocktail bar at the end of our new street we have said so many times as we drive past that we will visit one night just the two of us but this never happens.
He has a friend over at the moment who has just mentioned to me that DH was texting their group chat earlier trying to organise a night out one night when I am working over the Christmas break.
He does this, will plan little get togethers etc with his friends which I don’t mind him doing at all, friends are a good bunch and he works hard and deserves to let his hair down. He is the organiser in his group, is planning a mini holiday for them to celebrate a birthday next year and he will be the one with everyone’s passport numbers, sorting out passes etc. But he never, ever does things like this for me.
I’ve spoken to him about this previously and he always apologies, says he doesn’t realise how it comes across, blames finances etc. But it makes me feel as if I’m not worth making an effort for.
We aren’t recluses but we don’t go out a huge amount, say once a month and have separate and joint friendship groups etc. I feel like I’m just the boring, default, stay at home with person and then when he fancies doing something fun, I’m an afterthought at best. I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t like hanging out with me as we always have a good time together or that he prefers his friends because I get that we all need time with other people and I don’t begrudge him that but he hasn’t suggested one nice thing for us to do together over Christmas. I brought up going to our local Christmas market type place with the dc and he made a comment about money which I took on board as I have overspent slightly on Christmas presents, then tonight find out that he’s planning nights out without us. Am I being a mug or am I doing something wrong here? Please advise.