How do I let this go? Or am ibu?

[Biggles27]

My elderly parents (mid 80’s) are ‘hosting’ Christmas ie me and grown up dd are doing all the cooking, it’s just being held at their house as that’s tradition

Mum has dementia (enough to be difficult - sounds awful but I’ve been through this before and this stage passes but Mum still thinks she’s able to do everything and is doing everything whereas she’s does pretty much nothing and what she does do is a nightmare eg changes passwords constantly as she’s forgotten where to look up where they’re noted down then forgets the password and gets locked out)

Dad is her carer. He had a bad fall last week and has damaged his hip so can hardly walk (shuffles, yelping in pain) and has snapped his humerus in two - right through. Due to his age, they’re trying to avoid surgery so right now it’s a watch and see

Due to this, I’m having to go and get him up, put him to bed, do all the meals, cleaning, washing, etc

My brother turned up yesterday, sat and chatted to them then left having done nothing to help me. I was out all day and DD did my shift (she’s being brilliant but had to work today)

Tomorrow I’m doing all my duties with parents plus cleaning the house their and my house ready for Christmas Day, laying the table at parents, I’ve done online shop due to arrive tomorrow at my house so need to get it round to parents and pack fridge

ive got to wrap all presents from parents (over 100 gifts - it’s their thing to buy everyone a heap of gifts 🤷‍♂️)

Ive got to take Mum to hairdressers for 9am, then nails on Christmas Eve

Anything that’s missing from the shop will require me to hit Sainsburys

My brother and his partner have decided not to stay for tea as they don’t want to drive home in the dark (early 50’s so not old). I get told TODAY

ive catered for them

They are turning up, eating dinner, doing gifts then buggering off contributing NOTHING - financially, practically or emotionally

He works, I’m retired (ill health) so I do have more capacity

But am ibu to expect him to actually help and to let me know before I’ve committed to but tea on Christmas Day (now have way too much food)? I’m pd off but as I don’t work and I’m the eldest- maybe I am being unreasonable?

You’re not being unreasonable. You have a lot on your plate. Your brother might just not realise what you are having to deal with. Could you calmly tell him your frustrations? Maybe in a text. Not to cause a row but to just say you would appreciate more help? Or at least for them to stay longer Xmas day?

You're being unreasonable because you should be saying all this to him, not to us. Why can't you have a grown up conversation about it?

I would calmly bullet point what you are going through, what you’ve prepared for, where you need help and ask him what he is going to step up to do to support you all (but be prepared for him to say he won’t do anything).

Sounds like you have so much on your plate.

I'd be tempted to grab bull by the horns and start asking/telling brother what you need him to do

As for wrapping - i brought loads of gift bags as couldn't face another year of wrapping.

YABU as you are taking too much on.

YANBU.

Maybe ask your DB for some quite specific help, eg, "I've done A, B, C, D, E already this week, and organised X, Y, and Z as well. All that on top of caring for Mum and Dad! I'm a bit frazzled as you can imagine, so on Christmas Day at parents can you pitch in with F, G and H. Also, I hope you change your mind about staying for tea - we like your company, and the food's bought and paid for - but if not, bring Tupperware to take your tea home with you."

Have you told him what needs doing? And asked him to help?

The extra food is just your frustration - it was only for two more people so it won't be that much more and it can be eaten over the next days

Send db a list of your expectations of him Xmas day.. Even if its chopping veg.. Sil can do the washing up. Hand her some rubber gloves.. Tell them in advance.. Any huffing tell them not to bother coming.

You need to give him a list to do.

Is there any chance of looking at carers/homes?

I couldn’t do all this - I really couldn’t. And I wouldn’t expect my dc’s to do it for me.

Put gifts in Santa sacks ... dont wrap individually!

He is doing what he is choosing to do and you are choosing what you want to do. I don’t understand people that think that the obligation that they feel towards a situation should be shared by everyone around them perhaps he thinks that wrapping a hundred presents is silly. The only one I see missing out here is your daughter that’s basically having to participate because of her love for you.

Tell your brother to get his arse over to wrap gifts or they're not getting wrapped, gift bags are a bit of a friend, he can go out and get them. Corner him and tell him up to his face that he's going to fucking help you.

I’ve asked for help - he’s too busy working 🤷‍♂️. He’s not interested in getting involved - as always. He’s the golden child and isn’t expected to do anything so doesn’t - Mum and Dad always defend and always excuse. I’m piddling up against a wall

But he won't be working on Christmas Day!
Hand him the peeler and SIL the gloves. Put your big girl pants on and get bossing!

Why do you have to do all that? . Does your DM have to get her nails done, no
she does not, can presents be put in individually named sacks unwrapped? Why are you cleaning the whole house?

Your DB doesn’t have to help.

You only do what you want to do.

Whats the care plan going forward?

At the end of the day @Biggles27 you are limited in time and energy same as everyone and honestly you need to start to respect those limits or you will completely burn out. It is really common in a golden child dynamic that the other child feels they absolutely must pick up the slack but they probably shouldn’t. You need to determine what is realistic for you over the longer term and start implementing that.

Your brother should not be another burden for you to carry. Just don’t invite them over for Christmas, clearly your family is in crisis treat it as such and reduce the load and lower expectations all around.

OP can’t control what her brother does or doesn’t do. He’s not going to help, so expending any more energy over it is just a waste of effort.

OP, I know you think you have to do all these things, but you don’t. The only really important thing is that everyone is clean and fed and safe.

The houses not being as clean as you want them to be isn’t important - kitchens and bathrooms only.

Presents can go in bags. A piece of tissue paper tucked over the top of the contents and will make them look “done”. Somewhere will still have them. Try Hobbycraft if you have one nearby - they are cheap.

Into the New Year, you need help to look after your parents. Either they pay or the council will. You running yourself into the ground is helping no-one, and your brother is not obliged to become a carer so he isn’t going to be any help.

I feel for you. 💐

DB aside (yes YANBU) and yes you do need to speak to him about this ..

but in the short term. Is there a younger relative or friends teen at a loose end tomorrow that may want to give you a hand for a few quid? They could wrap some pressies or something??

id also go card factory and buy a selection of gift bags to help ease the burden

DH wrapped for me today whilst I took Mum for her hair appointment! Came back to find it done. One thing down 🍾. DH is a good egg and is cooking our dinner right now

food delivery arrived without incident!

feel a bit more in control but still pissed with db!