To ask how you get your children to listen without getting annoyed?

[elsaandanna25]

So this is illustrative but happens a lot.

DS age 5 is singing a stupid song loudly. I wanted him to make less noise as his toddler sibling was going to sleep.

So I’m trying to get his attention ‘ds, please could you … hey ds … ds, I see you’re …’ and he just is not listening, just singing over me.

So I end up snapping / shouting a bit at him to be quiet and because I’m annoyed by this point I’m harsher than intended.

This means basically 90% of our interactions feel snappy and negative but I’m not defaulting to that, it’s just he doesn’t listen at all the first three or four times I ask politely and reasonably. Can anyone help?

Stop what you're doing. Go to him. Kneel down to his level. Put your hands on his shoulders. Look him in the eye. Say 'Stop and listen'.

He doesn’t @WallaceinAnderland , he tends to laugh if you do this.

I know enough about children to know laughter isn’t always a sign of finding things amusing but nonetheless that sort of approach inevitably leads to things escalating massively. I don’t know if it works with some kids - I guess it does - but not with ds.

The thing is that I’ve read a few parenting type books and I don’t find the advice in them useful because of this very reason; they all have the reasonable assumption that you can say something to your child and that they will respond and then you say something and then they say something … It is a massive worry to me; it sometimes feels we have no connection as we can’t talk.

He's 5. If he doesn't stop singing and listen to what you are about to say then he needs a consequence, not more attention.

It’s ok to raise your voice because you’re trying to be heard over his! I’d try standing in front of him or lightly touch his arm to get his attention. Maintain eye contact Hold your hand up in a stop position and say firmly “no singing” or if he would understand “quiet voice” if he won’t stop go to his level and warn him of a consequence (not for singing but for not doing as he is told)
it’s not easy though and it’s tough on him because before his sibling was born he wouldn’t have to be quiet

Have you tried ‘talk so kids will listen’.

Also, natural consequences. “If you can’t be quiet, DD will wake and we won’t be able to go to the park later”.

And distract. With something desirable and quiet.

What are his consequences if he doesn't listen ?
Does he listen in school?

I have this issue with my 4 year old. i tell her repeatedly to, for example, put her pjs on, and she ignores me until i snap “put them on right now!”. And that point she bursts into tears and says “am i bad, mummy? why are you being so strict with me?” so i feel awful for damaging her self esteem!

Thanks. Yes, I’ve read How to Talk. It hasn’t worked for us. I really can’t seem to kind of break through that first sort of wall to get him to listen to me. Same with natural consequences; anything that does happen has nothing to do with him, because he doesn’t listen.

I am absolutely stumped where consequences are concerned. For the most part, any I’ve tried to impose seem meaningless - removing a toy for singing a silly song seems random and ill thought out and things like time out escalate the situation. From his point of view, I suddenly order him to his room for singing: he gets angry, a massive fall out happens. From my point of view I’ve tried countless times to nicely get his attention and failed.

It isn’t always that bad but I’d say a lot of interactions we have make little sense, are fraught and terse on my part and we probably both feel frustrated a lot.

Sounds mad, but have you tried whispering?

If he hearing and deciding not to listen, or is he just not notice that you're talking to him? If you were to tell him to go get a biscuit at the same volume would he hear it?

DS is neurodiverse with some sensory processesing issues and has to actively focus to precess what your saying to him, his brain just doesn't automatically register the difference between background noise and a voice. For him what helped is rubbing his back or arm while talking so he knows when i want him to listen. Try to keep doing the same thing every time, even if it doesn't seem to make much difference. Eventually he'll connect the two.

(Not saying your kid has any developmental issues, it's entirely normal for a 5yo to not listen, but similar strategies might be worth a go)

It’s worth a shot. I don’t think it would work when he’s just blathering on (I know that’s a horrible way of putting it but honestly not sure how else to) because he wouldn’t hear me over himself!

Thanks @Sprogonthetyne . A lot of the time he’s very intent on talking to me and that’s fine but he chooses really bad moments. The sad thing a lot of the time I am saying I’d like to listen to what he has to say but just trying to get a good moment but he won’t listen, keeps going on and on and then I end up annoyed. It’s a worry.

From his point of view, I suddenly order him to his room for singing: he gets angry, a massive fall out happens.

So? You send him to his room and ignore his tantrum. When he's calm you tell him I sent you to your room because you didn't listen. When I ask you to listen you must listen.

Instead of asking him to stop, could you have redirected him? So asked him to do something with you or to help with something.

John, I think Samantha is nearly asleep now so let’s wrap up a Christmas present for uncle Dave.
or
we’ve got some time to play snakes and ladders now because the baby is sleeping.

I have to repeat myself 57 times, then i slightly raise my voice, then I holler until I’m horse “STOP IGNORING ME”. Then my 9 year old asks why I’m stressing.

So that’s my strategy, feel free to try it.

This is us. And millions of parents I suspect

What do you think happens in his classroom? He is asked to stop. He is told to stop or there will be a named and meaningful consequence. It is seen through and explained clearly why the consequence has been enacted and will be repeated.

It is not easy. No one here will ever say that. The only solution is rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.

No it’s familiar. I’m kind of glad it isn’t just me. Problem is I do honestly feel like every time we speak it’s me snapping and that’s why putting him in his room isn’t going to solve that!

I just worry all his memories of me are going to be me shouting at him.

I've no suggestions but following with interest. My 3 year old is similar, drives me round the bend, he just doesn't seem to hear me (we've had his hearing tested and its fine). Nothing works, I've read the books, tried the getting him to look at me and being down at his level, doesn't help. We are awaiting an autism assessment. It makes parenting so hard.

The natural consequence of continuing to be loud when asked more than once to be quiet could be:

having to go somewhere else to be loud (if it were daytime nap time or a warm early evening at a different time of year then coat and shoes on, you can make noise in the garden)

or could be losing your attention for the next twenty minutes because the baby wakes and you have to go to her, or indeed missing out on something because him waking the baby means there is genuinely less time to do whatever you usually do for him at that time (one bedtime story instead of two, a quick shower instead of a long bath, or whatever happens at that time of day).

Whispering is a good idea (it often works in a classroom setting too, and with various ages...).

Visuals work best for some children - commonly understood everyday gestures as "sign language" for example - the obviously one in this case is just putting your finger on your lips in the shush gesture and remaining completely silent and still, looking at him. alternatively you have a "turn the volume down" gesture you both understand and that perhaps makes him giggle. Downside is if he doesn't look at you in t may take him a minute to notice, by which time the baby is awake.

Some children actually respond best to other visual prompts - even a "quiet" card you can hand him (useful if he doesn't look at you to notice gestures), but alternatively an object - headphones for listening to music can mean quiet music instead of loud ... You have to decide which object makes sense in your household and for your child.

I'm coming at this from working in a special needs setting but most special needs strategies work with a lot of young children, or at any rate are worth considering.

This ideally but honestly I just clap loudly twice then say "hey hey listen!" Sometimes.
Especially when I cant get to them physically / its logistically hard to get f2f at their level.

The clap sound seems to interrupt their "internal brain chatter"9re effectively rhan gentle parenting sometimes.

And sometimes you do have to holler. Shock and awe. That said, DS says he’s only ever really known he’s in the proper, unutterable shit is when I lower my voice to a virtual whisper dripping in disappointment.

I save those times for when I really want to smash to the doors in.

@elsaandanna25 same but now I tell them I love them with all my heart but they drive me insane and if they don’t want shouty mummy, they need to put their listening ears on. Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t bloody work but I feel better knowing they have the option not to make me lose my shizzle 20 times a day.

Thanks but she isn’t a baby, she’s nearly three! It was just now when he was going to bed and singing this song.

I have shouted at him so much today and feel awful but the noise he makes and the mess he makes are both beyond what I can cope with.

Have something that you're going to do together when your toddler is asleep, so that it is about you and him, even if you're busy and it's just something like I Spy? If he's not quiet he doesn't get the chance. If you don't give him any attention when he's singing, will he stop?
To be honest, I don't think being annoyed is necessarily a bad thing when you've explained the situation and been patient initially. Children need to know that sometimes their behaviour is upsetting people.