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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seeing my child for 2.5 hours on his birthday

27 replies

PoptyPin · 22/12/2025 19:33

My son lives with his Dad (not my choice) It’s his birthday soon and he has agreed to come to mine from 11.30-2pm. I’ll do him a little buffet, he will open his presents and I’ve got him a cake. I’ve got him some very unique gifts this year and will decorate the house/I’m doing a special theme for him/going to quite a bit of effort to make it really special.

I’m grateful that I’ll see him on his birthday as I didn’t even know if I would have any time with him but 2.5 hours does feel like a very limited amount of time to fit everything in without it feeling rushed.

What is everyone’s opinions please and how can I make the most of the time I do have with him?

On Christmas morning I am trying to do the same (8-11) and make the most of the time I do spend with him.

I am trying to be positive but it is hard.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 22/12/2025 19:34

How old is he?

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 22/12/2025 19:35

Is it court ordered this level of contact?

Bex5490 · 22/12/2025 19:39

What you suggested sounds reasonable for within 2.5 hrs.

Buffet, cake and presents…I’m sure he’ll want to play with his gifts and catch up with you.

I’m sure he’ll just be grateful to see you and that you’ve gone to so much effort to make it special.

timetoswitchup · 22/12/2025 19:44

PoptyPin · 22/12/2025 19:33

My son lives with his Dad (not my choice) It’s his birthday soon and he has agreed to come to mine from 11.30-2pm. I’ll do him a little buffet, he will open his presents and I’ve got him a cake. I’ve got him some very unique gifts this year and will decorate the house/I’m doing a special theme for him/going to quite a bit of effort to make it really special.

I’m grateful that I’ll see him on his birthday as I didn’t even know if I would have any time with him but 2.5 hours does feel like a very limited amount of time to fit everything in without it feeling rushed.

What is everyone’s opinions please and how can I make the most of the time I do have with him?

On Christmas morning I am trying to do the same (8-11) and make the most of the time I do spend with him.

I am trying to be positive but it is hard.

Whatever you have planned to do with your DC, don’t rush through it. Enjoy each activity and don’t worry if you don’t get through everything you’ve planned. Your DC will enjoy a relaxed happy environment with mum rather than feeling rushed and stressed for 2.5 hours.

FuzzyWolf · 22/12/2025 19:46

I hope the day goes well.

Although it doesn’t feel like much, by the time some children get home from school they only have the same amount of time before it’s their bedtime routine.

Original poster
PoptyPin · 22/12/2025 19:46

bridgetreilly · 22/12/2025 19:34

How old is he?

14

OP posts:
Original poster
PoptyPin · 22/12/2025 19:49

timetoswitchup · 22/12/2025 19:44

Whatever you have planned to do with your DC, don’t rush through it. Enjoy each activity and don’t worry if you don’t get through everything you’ve planned. Your DC will enjoy a relaxed happy environment with mum rather than feeling rushed and stressed for 2.5 hours.

Show quote history

Thanks ☺️ I’m hoping to be super organised so all food will be done and everything laid out ready for when he arrives. His grandparents and sibling will be there too, it is upsetting compared to how I would have the whole day with him/see him when he wakes up but I’m trying to make the most of the short time I do get.

OP posts:
x2boys · 22/12/2025 19:50

PoptyPin · 22/12/2025 19:46

14

Show quote history

Presumably at 14 he can choose how much time he spends with you?

Original poster
PoptyPin · 22/12/2025 19:50

Bex5490 · 22/12/2025 19:39

What you suggested sounds reasonable for within 2.5 hrs.

Buffet, cake and presents…I’m sure he’ll want to play with his gifts and catch up with you.

I’m sure he’ll just be grateful to see you and that you’ve gone to so much effort to make it special.

Thank you 💕

OP posts:
Original poster
PoptyPin · 22/12/2025 19:51

x2boys · 22/12/2025 19:50

Presumably at 14 he can choose how much time he spends with you?

Show quote history

He does, that’s what he’s chosen, the separation is fairly recent and he’s still coming to terms with a lot.

OP posts:
BettysRoasties · 22/12/2025 19:51

Are you the on with the disabled child who left her husband and the older son doesn’t like to visit and won’t eat at your house?

If so enjoy that time but also the food if he still isn’t eating at yours may feel pressure loaded

SillyNavyTiger · 22/12/2025 19:52

Have you asked him if there was something special he wanted to do?

Decorating the house is lovely (I do it too!) and mine appreciate but are not that bothered about it - only speaking about mine, but they'll be happier if I join in their sport (and would laugh at me) or play some video game with them.

2.5 hours is short, but on the plus side, it's still a lot of time to give your full attention to your teen, so it's special. When they live at home, parents don't give them a full 2.5 hours

OffToSeaInABlizzard · 22/12/2025 19:53

I don’t know how to say this gently but it sounds as if you are literally turning yourself into a Disney parent.

Whatever your child’s age, they are expecting to spend some time with their parent - yes, on their birthday, but it’s seeing you that’s important. Unique gifts and the house decorated to a special theme sounds a little overwhelming. And a bit distancing actually. You’re not a theme park.

I think there’s a danger that in making all this effort you’re raising your own expectations of the reaction you’ll receive. I would dia things down and concentrate on a quieter and less forced meeting.

Original poster
PoptyPin · 22/12/2025 19:53

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 22/12/2025 19:35

Is it court ordered this level of contact?

We haven’t had any legal advice or been to court although I have attended a MIAM and I’m waiting for ex to attend his to discuss my seeing DS.

OP posts:
Original poster
PoptyPin · 22/12/2025 19:55

BettysRoasties · 22/12/2025 19:51

Are you the on with the disabled child who left her husband and the older son doesn’t like to visit and won’t eat at your house?

If so enjoy that time but also the food if he still isn’t eating at yours may feel pressure loaded

He’s eating tea at my house now which is nice 😊 I’ve told him no pressure about the buffet, it’s for everyone to enjoy and he can help himself if he likes.

OP posts:
SillyNavyTiger · 22/12/2025 19:58

OffToSeaInABlizzard · 22/12/2025 19:53

I don’t know how to say this gently but it sounds as if you are literally turning yourself into a Disney parent.

Whatever your child’s age, they are expecting to spend some time with their parent - yes, on their birthday, but it’s seeing you that’s important. Unique gifts and the house decorated to a special theme sounds a little overwhelming. And a bit distancing actually. You’re not a theme park.

I think there’s a danger that in making all this effort you’re raising your own expectations of the reaction you’ll receive. I would dia things down and concentrate on a quieter and less forced meeting.

Edited

I think you are a bit unfair, most parents do that even when the kids live at home. Going way over the top seems to be very fashionable too 😂

When I think the amount of balloon arch and extravagant decorations I see on my local facebook groups for various birthdays! and I don't mean the party for a 16 or 18th, but just the decor to wake up to on any birthday/

Some people go very heavy on birthday!

But I agree that the OP shouldn't put unrealistic expectations on the reaction to a decorated house. I

BettysRoasties · 22/12/2025 19:58

PoptyPin · 22/12/2025 19:55

He’s eating tea at my house now which is nice 😊 I’ve told him no pressure about the buffet, it’s for everyone to enjoy and he can help himself if he likes.

Show quote history

Glad that issue has been fixed. I remember your thread before and the panic that he would just never want to come or eat again so that’s a huge step forward.

Just keep everything low pressure and enjoy it without the shouting Ex in the background.

Original poster
PoptyPin · 22/12/2025 20:00

OffToSeaInABlizzard · 22/12/2025 19:53

I don’t know how to say this gently but it sounds as if you are literally turning yourself into a Disney parent.

Whatever your child’s age, they are expecting to spend some time with their parent - yes, on their birthday, but it’s seeing you that’s important. Unique gifts and the house decorated to a special theme sounds a little overwhelming. And a bit distancing actually. You’re not a theme park.

I think there’s a danger that in making all this effort you’re raising your own expectations of the reaction you’ll receive. I would dia things down and concentrate on a quieter and less forced meeting.

Edited

The unique gifts are because he is into some very unique/specific things so they are catered to his interests, I see what you mean about the decorations. I wouldn’t want to overwhelm him or be too OTT. It’s not the entire house but a nice birthday cloth/balloons and a couple of novelty items related to the theme. Hopefully it’s not too much, it’s hard to get it right or know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
PoptyPin · 22/12/2025 20:02

BettysRoasties · 22/12/2025 19:58

Glad that issue has been fixed. I remember your thread before and the panic that he would just never want to come or eat again so that’s a huge step forward.

Just keep everything low pressure and enjoy it without the shouting Ex in the background.

Show quote history

Thanks ☺️ I’m so glad too that he’s eating at the house now or sometimes we get a takeaway and watch a show. Im trying to be grateful for when I do see him but it’s very hard.

OP posts:
timetoswitchup · 22/12/2025 20:04

I would also suggest, even if you don’t like his Dad, that you send your DC home with a slice of birthday cake for his Dad.

Your DC will be feeling torn between the two sides of the family and will be internalising a lot of stress.

A simple slice of cake for Dad will make your DC think that everything is not as bad as he thinks. And this is very important for a 14 year old.

BettysRoasties · 22/12/2025 20:04

PoptyPin · 22/12/2025 20:02

Thanks ☺️ I’m so glad too that he’s eating at the house now or sometimes we get a takeaway and watch a show. Im trying to be grateful for when I do see him but it’s very hard.

Show quote history

Completely get that and it actually adds context to your last thread as well with the twatty ex which is completely not helping your 14 year old accept this separation and move forward as easy as he could be.

TheaBrandt1 · 22/12/2025 20:05

Surely he’s of an age where he makes his own decisions? It’s not for anyone else to decide “2.5 hours” etc he decides?

Ella31 · 22/12/2025 20:08

TheaBrandt1 · 22/12/2025 20:05

Surely he’s of an age where he makes his own decisions? It’s not for anyone else to decide “2.5 hours” etc he decides?

The op said in an earlier post that her son chose the time

Ella31 · 22/12/2025 20:10

PoptyPin · 22/12/2025 20:00

The unique gifts are because he is into some very unique/specific things so they are catered to his interests, I see what you mean about the decorations. I wouldn’t want to overwhelm him or be too OTT. It’s not the entire house but a nice birthday cloth/balloons and a couple of novelty items related to the theme. Hopefully it’s not too much, it’s hard to get it right or know what to do for the best.

Show quote history

That post is so unfair to you. You are not a disney "parent" this situstion is hard enough for all of ye. You sound like a good mother who is trying to do her best and make it special. Enjoy having him over and I hope it goes really well for ye. Xxx

BauhausOfEliott · 22/12/2025 20:13

TheaBrandt1 · 22/12/2025 20:05

Surely he’s of an age where he makes his own decisions? It’s not for anyone else to decide “2.5 hours” etc he decides?

The OP’s explained the situation in her other posts.