To say I should buy all the food shopping

[Stepparentissues]

2 adults
2 children, of which my husband is step dad too.

He works full time and pays rent and half all other bills.

I work part time and pay for days out and most food shops.

However sometimes when I'm running out of money he pays for the big food shops.

Is this fair or should I be paying for all the food shops seeing as the children are mine?

Pay for 3/4 of it?

How much of the actual food shop does he consume? Work it out and then you will
most likely go to the fact he eats 50% of the food shopping and YES he should be paying for at least half of it! You are only part time and food isn’t free!!!

I would generally expect you to pay into a joint account proportionate to your incomes and adjusted for extra costs for the children. What that would be would be totally dependent on your incomes and children’s ages and associated costs. Obviously 2 teens eat more and use more electric than a 4 & 6 year old. Then rent, food, household bills paid from that account. Personal expenses and costs for the children paid from your own account (clothes, activities, etc).

I think the problem is he earns so much more than me but I can't afford every food shop we have. I know they arent his children, so I feel like maybe I should say we spilt all the food shops so he pays a quarter of them. Food shopping is so expensive nowadays!

That's a good idea, thank you.

No, it's fair that you agree amongst yourselves who buys what food. It should be a given that in a decent relationship things are split fairly evenly. With possibly you spending a bit more if you can afford to and wish to on the kids.
Is there a dispute about it in your household?

If you’re running out of money, what’s the alternative? Don’t eat?

What does your partner think?

Is there a plan to go full time at some point?

One of my children is sadly disabled, so I'm on carers allowance and can only earn £196 a week because of it. I wish I could go back to work full time but it's not possible.

He was a little prickly about the expense of the big christmas shop today and it got me wondering if it's fair he paid for all of our food, or should I be paying majority.

The whole set up seems weird to me, he shouldn’t be funding your kids at all IMO. And if he’s paying the rent do you have your name on the tenancy too? If not, you’re in a very vulnerable position.

It's all meant to be for the same ends, a nice family Xmas. Unless he's under extreme financial pressure or you're buying way beyond your means he should accept everything will even out.

He sounds tight and a bit miserable tbh.

How about something like you pay £500 per month and he pays the rest or whatever figure works for both of you?

My DH was prickly about the Christmas shop because it was eye-watering this year! And we both earn.

I’d ask, and work through the conversation about everyone’s feelings about money.

We all live together, as the higher earner he was happy to pay the rent. We are both on the tenancy.

Are step parents not supposed to fund their wife and children then? I don't know if I'm expecting too much

Are you actually better off financially living with him OP? I know he pays the rent but you are basically saying you often have no money left and have to ask him to pay for the food shop.

Are you married to him? Do you receive maintenance for the children? How old are the children?

is there some reason you haven’t just looked finances?

People can organise themselves any way they like as long as everyone is happy.

I think people should carry their own water as much as they can. But with a child with disabilities, and a part-time job, you aren’t lazy!

If you wasn't with your DH, you'd probably entitled to quite a bit of UC. Without that, you can't realistically afford to pay 3/4 of everything. I think ot should be proportionate to income unless you have child maintenance from the father that you can add to the pot.

You are married so should share finances as far as I’m concerned, you’ve legally tied your finances together

Well personally I wouldn’t expect someone to financially support kids that weren’t theirs and I wouldn’t expect to support someone else’s that aren’t mine. I’d say you should be contributing to the rent and bills to cover you and the kids, and he should be paying his share of the food bill. What’s their dad contributing??

I think when you marry someone with kids you have to assume your blended household income is what supports the family - anything else is too weird.

My husband is a step parent.

We have had joint finances for what feels like forever and was instigated by him. I’m a high earner, he’s a very high earner. This started when neither of us had much, and it’s continued ever since. He doesn’t differentiate between my child (who is now an adult) and our child. He funds both equally and without question. It’s not something I ever pushed for, he’s just been like this since day 1 - took on me, took on my child as a package I suppose is how he sees it.

I can’t imagine being with someone who begrudges paying for food for small people!

The children's parents should fund the children's costs..

Do you get maintenance from their dad?

I see no issue with your DH covering your costs as the higher earner and treating the kids but their everyday costs are not his responsibility.

I don’t get it either. I can see it might be more complicated if he had children of his own who live elsewhere to fund. But for me… he knew she had a disabled child when they got married, that’s the deal, they’re a package.

You’re married not flat mates. This is daft: I pay for x, he pays for y.

You need a joint account. Decide on an amount you both get to keep for personal expenditure. Put everything else into the joint account and pay for everything out of that.