Terminally ill FIL advice

[ThirtysomethingMummy]

My FIL is terminally ill. The doctors are unsure if he has days or weeks to live.
The last time our children saw him they knew he was unwell but he was his normal self at that stage and we had a lovely day out together. Unfortunately since then he has lost stones of weight, lost all of his hair due to chemo and is getting confused. We are seeing him but we need to decide if the children see him again one last time or leave that lovely day out as their last memory of him.
For context both children are autistic. One will appear matter of fact ok the surface and it will come out later. The other gets very anxious about everything. They are 9 and 10.

Has anyone been in this situation. what did you do? We keep going back and forth and can’t decide!

YABU Let the children see him as he is knowing that will likely be the last time they see him.
YANBU don’t take them to see him and let the day out we had as a last memory of him.

If FIL is getting confused, and isn't asking for them, then I wouldn't take them. You already have enough to deal with at this time without having to deal with your children also being upset as he has changed so significantly and the tricky explanations around that.

I'm sorry your family are going through this, and I hope the coming days and weeks are as gentle on you all as they can possibly be 💐

I wouldn't take the children.

I don't think they're old enough to process what is happening to their grandad, and autism adds another layer of complexity. The ruminating about death, and what happens after we die, and why we die, and the many fast and slow ways we die.

It is a lot for children to face, never mind autistic ones.

There's always the chance that he could pass while they are present too, even though it's probably a small chance.

You'd have to consider how would you console them when you yourselves would probably need to be consoled. It is hard to support someone else when you are needing support. It is much easier to be supported first and then be in a better place to support your children.

Confusion from FIL could also turn into agitation and distress, and he might not want to be perceived by lots of people during this time, so it's about his dignity in dying too.

So sorry you're going through this.

It's a tough call OP. I sat at my Dad's beside in a hospice for nearly 6 weeks while he lost his battle with liver cancer. And I'll be honest that's still my dominant memory of him 2 years on. And I hate that it is.

I'd be really tempted to let that day be their last memory of him.

I don’t think I would take them to see him. Let them have a lovely memory of him.

I still very strongly remember visiting my grandad in the days before his death, and wish these weren’t the memories I have of him. I was in my early 20s.
I really don’t think this is what your children need - just let them have the happy positive memories ❤️

I wouldn’t take my autistic 9 year old. She is similiar to one if yours, as in incredibly high masking but anxious. It wouldn’t be in her interest.

When my Mum was in her last weeks, I thought she probably had months at this point, I didn’t take DD. Under 12s weren’t allowed on the ward generally and I know Mum won’t have wanted them to see her like that. By the time it was the end the staff we asking if we wanted to bringing the grandchildren but it was definite no, even for the late teen in the family.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. There is no good time but Christmas feels particularly cruel.

Edit - DD would have been 7 as the time but I would still make the same decision. I would start to prep them now that FIL was dying. We didn’t get that opportunity.

I saw my auntie who’d lost her hair and was all bloated and yellow when I was in my early 20’s. I don’t know why. It don’t do anything other than upset everybody including her.

In your shoes, no I wouldn't take the children to see him. Even if he had asked to see them, I wouldn't. They will have a wonderful memory of the last time they saw him which they will carry with them for their whole lives. There's no need to spoil it.

A close relative of mine died last year. I saw him in hospital for the last time. It was very upsetting. He wasn't himself in personality or how he looked. I knew that going in. I didn't let my teenager in to see him, it's too much for a child. It's pretty close to too much for an adult.

I'm so sorry you're going through this

We were in a similar situation when my mum was terminally ill and DS who is autistic was 4. He went to see her once in the hospice but it was while she could still tallk/ understand. She wanted to see him one last time . I wouldn’t have took him even a week later as by then she was barely conscious.

It will upset them to see him like this, and if he's confused and might not recognise them they'll be devastated. I wouldn't take them.

Agree with PPs. Don't take them.

I've been there and I agree. If you had asked your FIL when he was well, he probably would have said he would want them to remember him at his best. Seeing him now may replace those memories with more traumatic ones. Dying people can look very gaunt and different from their old, animated selves and that could be distressing. If FIL is asking about them maybe show him some 'we love you Grandad' video messages from them and have them draw pictures or make cards for him.

It doesn’t sound like it will be in his best interest to see them again and given he’s the one who is ill, I would leave it that your children have a memory of him when he was doing better.

We didn't take our sons (similiar age to yours when my dad was ill). They saw him last at his home, sat in his chair laughing and chatting (until he tired and went to rest).

I have no regrets in them not seeing him in hospital, he'd declined so much. They have happy memories of their Grandad.

This time last year my FIL was on palliative care and died in February. Christmas Day was the last day my 8 year old saw him as he was already deteriorating quite quickly, it was 4 months from diagnosis to death.

We felt Christmas Day was a last ‘good’ positive day and sort of quit while we were ahead. My niece who was younger and less ‘aware’ saw him again before he died.

I wouldn’t take them again.

Let them have a happy memory, OP. No need to drag them to hospital and see him in his decline.

Hugs to you 🤗

What do you think he would want?

My DDs didn't see my FIL once his health had severely deteriorated and that was what he wanted.

I had just turned 11 when I lost my grandad. My parents took me to see him in hospital (he had lung cancer). I still remember all the tubes and machines to this day (35 years later). But if my parents hadn’t taken me to see him and say goodbye I’d never have forgiven them. And seeing him like that has stopped me from ever smoking so that was one good thing out of it.

Did your children know he was dying on the day out? If so, and they feel they’ve said their goodbyes, then I would say it’s ok not to visit. If not, only you know how well they’d understand if you explained the situation and asked if they want to see him, making it extremely clear that he will look very different to the grandad they remember and that he might be very confused or sleepy.

Wishing you all the best, it’s a horrible situation to be in x

Let them keep the nice memory of their grandad. When Fil died he was in a right state with advanced dementia DH told me and teen DS to stay away. My mum died earlier this year and I was the only visitor for the last few weeks of her life- she was too embarrassed about her appearance and too ill to bother with people- I'm glad DS still just has happy memories of her. People reaching the end of their lives can look frightening. Sorry for your situation- it is truly shit

Hello
i just wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone who shared with me on this post. I really appreciate it.
Unfortunately, the decision was taken away from us as FIL died yesterday.
We are pleased the children didn’t see him as we did and it wasn’t pleasant so I think we made the right call.
thank you for all of your supportive messages xxx

Very sorry for your loss @ThirtysomethingMummyand I think you did make the right call from what you say. Wishing you and your family strength at this difficult time.

no more to say then anyone else but just to send a massive hug

I’m sorry that the end was difficult.

My thoughts are with you and your family. Xx