Insensitive friend? * [Content warning: mentions suicide]

[Milya]

Someone very close to me died by suicide earlier this year.
A friend (who has form for making things about herself) was telling me how hard things are for her partner because his brother has been “distant for a few years” and has made some “concerning comments about mental health”. By all accounts he’s actually fine.
The way she talked about it really annoyed me. Since my loss I’m extremely sensitive to vague, dramatic, suicide-adjacent talk, especially when it feels speculative or self-centred rather than careful.
Is this a normal reaction after a suicide loss, or am I being unfair?

I guess in a healthy friendship she should be able to talk to you about her partner’s brother and the things he is communicating to her partner. Unless she is obviously comparing this to your loss I think you may be being unreasonable but appreciate this may be one in a long line of examples.

How do you know he's fine?
I think YABU, your friends should be able to offload their worries with you and you with them. It shouldn't be one sided, nothing you've written suggests she was being insensitive or nasty in any way.
I feel it when my DH is going through a hard time and I get support from my friends.

YABU

And you are doing what you accuse her of.
You are making this about yourself

Sorry for your loss. My brother took his own life and for the first couple of years afterwards I always seemed to hear people speaking glibly about suicide and I would say nothing but go home and cry. I think it’s normal to feel sensitive about this, but it’s also normal to use the word suicide in everyday life, without thinking how it affects others who it’s directly impacted. She could be a bit more sensitive to you at the moment, but honestly, people don’t realise what they are saying most of the time.

By all accounts he’s actually fine.

And you know this, do you?

I'm sorry for your loss but you say she has form for making things about herself, then go on to say...

"Since my loss I’m extremely sensitive to vague, dramatic, suicide-adjacent talk, especially when it feels speculative or self-centred rather than careful."

So you're making her concerns about her BIL about you.

How is that any different?

I think you're being a bit unfair tbh. My cousin committed suicide and it's so hard to come to terms with and people don't realise what they're saying half the time. She might be genuinely worried about him and terrified because of what you've been through.

How do you know that he's fine? What all what accounts?

I'm sorry you've suffered, but you don't own mental health struggles and you don't seem to like your friend all that much either.

I'm really sorry that you've lost someone to suicide. But honestly, YABU here I'm afraid. You can't expect your friends to walk on eggshells to the extent that they can't mention a concern their partner has about a relative. And he isn't fine 'by all accounts' because we already know that by at least one account, that of your friend who presumably talks to her husband about his brother and knows more about it than you, he isn't fine.

Kindly, yabu. You are making it all about yourself.

I'm sorry for your loss, we have lost 2 people to suicide and it feels like a very different grief (for me) to illness, old age etc.

Talking about her worries regarding her partner due to his brother isn't making it about herself though. I tell my friends things about how my DH is doing. You offload to other people, not the person you are worried about, so you can be supportive to that person.