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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want SS to move in?

21 replies

Vedar · 22/12/2025 11:07

SS is 7. His mum’s house is chaotic and he prefers being at ours and openly says he wants to stay with us. We live about eighty minutes apart (his mum moved) so midweek swaps aren’t possible.

AIBU to think his opinions should be listened to?

OP posts:
TheTwitcher11 · 22/12/2025 11:13

Vedar · 22/12/2025 11:07

SS is 7. His mum’s house is chaotic and he prefers being at ours and openly says he wants to stay with us. We live about eighty minutes apart (his mum moved) so midweek swaps aren’t possible.

AIBU to think his opinions should be listened to?

Chaotic in what sense?

CutePixieGirl · 22/12/2025 11:15

Yes, he should be listened to however he is very young.

I think more information is needed on 'chaotic.' I'm guessing other children?

Original poster
Vedar · 22/12/2025 11:16

TheTwitcher11 · 22/12/2025 11:13

Chaotic in what sense?

Show quote history

Lots of people coming and going. There’s two older siblings (one is my SD), a younger one, their mum’s best friend and her kids who live nearby and seem to be always there, the stepdad’s brother stays there a lot which means SS gets no privacy, their mum and stepdad work irregular hours so often there’s babysitters. No routine basically. I think his basic needs are met but he gets very little attention there.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 22/12/2025 11:25

Too young for the court to listen to. Usually when they are around 10 they start to have a legal voice unless there are safeguarding concerns of course. Does your DH want to go to court for full custody?

vanillalattes · 22/12/2025 11:28

Would it really be beneficial to move him away from his siblings and mother?

HeddaGarbled · 22/12/2025 11:29

I think you need to stay way out of this one, unless you think he’s at risk.

Original poster
Vedar · 22/12/2025 11:31

jeaux90 · 22/12/2025 11:25

Too young for the court to listen to. Usually when they are around 10 they start to have a legal voice unless there are safeguarding concerns of course. Does your DH want to go to court for full custody?

He wants SS to be happy. He thinks he’d do better here (as do I). Ideally we’d swap custody so he’s there every other weekend and half the holidays like he currently is with us.

The only problem I can see with it is that SD11 won’t want to move so her contact schedule would remain the same. So DH would need to be driving eighty minutes each way, twice, every single weekend.

OP posts:
Dunnocantthinkofone · 22/12/2025 11:33

I would have thought splitting up siblings would be looked on very unfavourably?

Carycach4 · 22/12/2025 11:35

It is well known that children his age caught between 2 parents like this, have learnt to tell each parent what they think they want to hear.

Original poster
Vedar · 22/12/2025 11:35

vanillalattes · 22/12/2025 11:28

Would it really be beneficial to move him away from his siblings and mother?

This is what gives me pause as he’s got a younger sibling here too and I can’t imagine being apart from my kid for so long. SS loves his mum and is desperate for her attention and approval.

But he goes days without seeing his mum anyway if he’s been sent to stay with family or she’s out. And I definitely think he’d do better here academically and behaviourally. He’s quite badly behaved at his mum’s apparently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vedar · 22/12/2025 11:36

Carycach4 · 22/12/2025 11:35

It is well known that children his age caught between 2 parents like this, have learnt to tell each parent what they think they want to hear.

He’s been telling his mum he wants to live with us too.

OP posts:
grinchmcgrinchface · 22/12/2025 11:36

If his mum is on board then yes do it.

Branleuse · 22/12/2025 11:49

It's great that he really enjoys the peace at yours.
He's only 7, so he has no way of knowing how It would feel to live away from his mum and siblings, and the impact on dividing up that family.
Do you have children?

vanillalattes · 22/12/2025 11:52

Vedar · 22/12/2025 11:36

He’s been telling his mum he wants to live with us too.

Show quote history

What does his mum say?

greenwithglee · 22/12/2025 12:31

Vedar · 22/12/2025 11:31

He wants SS to be happy. He thinks he’d do better here (as do I). Ideally we’d swap custody so he’s there every other weekend and half the holidays like he currently is with us.

The only problem I can see with it is that SD11 won’t want to move so her contact schedule would remain the same. So DH would need to be driving eighty minutes each way, twice, every single weekend.

Show quote history

Surely driving 80 minutes each way if it supports the mental wellbeing of his kids and a schedule that works for them both is neither here nor there?

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 22/12/2025 13:06

Vedar · 22/12/2025 11:16

Lots of people coming and going. There’s two older siblings (one is my SD), a younger one, their mum’s best friend and her kids who live nearby and seem to be always there, the stepdad’s brother stays there a lot which means SS gets no privacy, their mum and stepdad work irregular hours so often there’s babysitters. No routine basically. I think his basic needs are met but he gets very little attention there.

Show quote history

Lots of people coming and going could be a nice thing for a child to grow up around (unless he has some special needs?). He is very young, and kids change their minds minute to minute at that age. Many kids prefer their 'disney dads' to their mums who make them do homework and do all the hard work of parenting at that age (not saying your DP is like that, just a general observation).

Unless there is actual neglect (which it doesn't sound like there is, just different parenting styles), separating a child from their mother and siblings at 7 would be an extreme reaction. Do you have children? If not, please think ahead to when/if you have your own child with SS's dad - will your SS be as much of a priority as he is now?

Original poster
Vedar · 22/12/2025 13:21

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 22/12/2025 13:06

Lots of people coming and going could be a nice thing for a child to grow up around (unless he has some special needs?). He is very young, and kids change their minds minute to minute at that age. Many kids prefer their 'disney dads' to their mums who make them do homework and do all the hard work of parenting at that age (not saying your DP is like that, just a general observation).

Unless there is actual neglect (which it doesn't sound like there is, just different parenting styles), separating a child from their mother and siblings at 7 would be an extreme reaction. Do you have children? If not, please think ahead to when/if you have your own child with SS's dad - will your SS be as much of a priority as he is now?

Show quote history

We have a toddler. We’ll probably not have another. It would be easy enough to slot SS in and give him as much attention as he needs.

You're right that it’s different parenting styles. SC’s mum is regularly out or hosting and it sounds like SS is bored and left to his own devices a lot there. He watches a lot of TV by himself in his room. I do think it’s more “fun” with us but on the other hand, we’re the only ones who do homework and stuff like that, so it’s not that Disney in my opinion.

OP posts:
Iloveagoodnap · 22/12/2025 13:44

Be careful what you wish for. Having a child full time is very different to having them EOW and you might find he’s not so well behaved for you if he’s there all the time, and the dynamics between him and your toddler would probably also change with both of them being jealous of the other. That said, if this is something his dad honestly thinks would be in his child’s best interests then it would be up to him to speak to his mother about it.

vanillalattes · 22/12/2025 13:49

We have a toddler. We’ll probably not have another. It would be easy enough to slot SS in and give him as much attention as he needs.

Hm, I think that's probably a bit idealistic!

Original poster
Vedar · 22/12/2025 14:54

Iloveagoodnap · 22/12/2025 13:44

Be careful what you wish for. Having a child full time is very different to having them EOW and you might find he’s not so well behaved for you if he’s there all the time, and the dynamics between him and your toddler would probably also change with both of them being jealous of the other. That said, if this is something his dad honestly thinks would be in his child’s best interests then it would be up to him to speak to his mother about it.

She’s said before that we can have him in the holidays as much as we want, and extra weekends, but that she’s not letting him change school because she wants to stay as the resident parent.

OP posts:
Wonderers · 22/12/2025 18:46

vanillalattes · 22/12/2025 11:28

Would it really be beneficial to move him away from his siblings and mother?

To go to his father? Why not, if it's a calmer household and he's asking to go?

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