Are women / girls just so desperate to get married ?

[itsoneofthosethingss]

I observed something in my H’s family, that also includes me.

all the men in my H’s family, have married women from abroad. In all cases the women had come to the UK for study or work or whatever it is and met the men and decided to stay, for love I guess. In all cases the men made ultimatums that there is no way they’d ever leave the UK and if the women wanted a future with them, they’d need to agree to stay here.

I had been here for ages before I met my husband, so I was sort of fine with it. However I wouldn’t rule out, leaving the UK for a ‘ better ‘ life if that’s even possible. I would absolutely consider it. He wouldn’t.

anyway, recently another woman joined the family and is faced with the same ultimatum and he’s going to take it. A possible wedding was under discussion and the groom felt it wouldn’t be fair to do the wedding in the brides home country either. He felt it needs to be in a neutral place. So it’s ok for you to give the bride an ultimatum that you will never move away for her AND you don’t want to even hold the wedding in her country because it’s ‘ unfair ‘ to you ?

am I completely bonkers in thinking that sometimes women ( myself included ) are so fucking desperate to get married and have kids that they’ll accept this ?

I am not sad about my choice to be here, but I am a bit disappointed in myself that I didn’t at least manage to choose a partner who was a bit more open to a potential move. Even if it didn’t happen. I don’t mean move to my ‘ home ‘, but perhaps somewhere else. Or someone who’d at least consider it.

but I was so desperate to get married and have kids that I went along with it. Even though I did protest that the consideration of a move should be there, at least in theory.

now, many years later, I do sometimes feel resentful. I think if you’re from abroad and would like the possibility to consider moving back or somewhere else, your partner should at least say they’re open to that and that should be YOUR bottom line.

I have a friend whose husband also agreed when they got married about the possibility of moving back to her country. They haven’t so far, but because it hasn’t made sense so far.

I think that’s how it should be. No ultimatums. Just staying open.

Definitely

And it looks like it worked exactly that way for this particular family.

It isn't an ultimatum, it's a boundary.

I'm pretty open-minded and I love the adventure of moving abroad, but there are certain countries where I simply wouldn't be prepared to live. If I adopted your logic, that would mean that I couldn't ever marry someone from one of those countries, even if we both wanted to get married.

I think it's very difficult when people move the goalposts after marriage, but there is nothing wrong with people setting out their "red lines" before they commit - nobody is forcing anyone to get married, and if you don't like what you're signing up to, then there is always the option to walk away.

you say that all the women were in the uk when they met their husbands, well that’s the reason - the men in question are settled, the fact the person they met is from abroad is inconsequential, they have no plans to uproot their lives. Quite different if you meet someone abroad. As for desperate, depending on where you live, many people are desperate to live in the uk

'Who do these men think they are?'

They are grown ups with their own mind. They're being open and honest by laying down their preferences from the offset to give you the opportunity to decide what you want. Would you prefer it if they lied to you? I would do the same, I've lived abroad before and there's no way I'd leave the UK now. If I was at the start of a relationship that looked like it was long term, I'd make that clear too.

This is not a man problem, this is a woman problem.

If a couple live in different countries, I think its entirely reasonable that one, the other or both state that the future of the relationship for them depends on living in their own country.
I would not have moved to another country for any man, and would have felt it only fair to be clear about that. Its then entirely up to the other person to decide if they want to continue on those terms. This can be considered an ultimatum, but realistically, if that's your deal breaker, you do need to say so, so the person knows where they stand.
The women you're talking about clearly decided to leave their country for the relationship, and there could be multiple reasons for that, including not being all that bothered, or an active desire to live here. I don't think it can be dismissed as 'desperate' or something men force women to do.

For me you are looking at another form of future faking. I would much rather a partner who had no intention of ever moving abroad was upfront about that so I could make a decision on whether it was the right relationship for me, rather than tell me they were open to it and I build a life with them on that basis and they have no intention of it ever happening.

It sounds like the men in the family are all quite clear, I don't see a problem with that

I listened too much to people who said that if you as a British person get together with a foreigner, you need to avoid being parochial, that it's unfair to try to argue for staying in the UK. I wish someone would have said to me, look, you're the woman, you'll be the one taking the hit to your career to have kids, you don't know if his home country is particularly supportive of women's financial independence, you're going to be dealing with school and doctors and the authorities not in your native language, you could easily be quite isolated when the kids are small... fuck that.
(That's why I often come on these sorts of threads to say it to other people!)

I'm a woman. Not quite another country, but I'm from North, DH from South. I told him I'd never move and we had the wedding in our (my) area, not down south or somewhere in the middle. It made sense as that was were we both lived at the time.
I don't think my DH was 'desperate' to marry. We fell in love, I wasn't up for leaving my family and friends, he was. End of story. No misogyny, no desperation.

I think that it’s a good thing that they are being clear. I’ve read about people on here who have changed their mind on living overseas because their parents are getting older or whatever and it’s sad for everyone.

This is such a weird thread. Most women here aren’t going to relate. Ultimately you’re the one best placed to answer your own question because you are from overseas and accepted living in the UK for marriage. Sooooo, only you can answer if it was out of desperation.

I can't help but wonder, OP, why you married your DH at all, given that you don't think he is that great. I think that's the real problem here, rather than geography.

Perhaps you were desperate and you settled, but I don't think it's reasonable to assume that all women do the same.

So it’s ok for you to give the bride an ultimatum that you will never move away for her AND you don’t want to even hold the wedding in her country because it’s ‘ unfair ‘ to you ?

Yes, absolutely ok.

And it's absolutely ok for her to refuse 🤷‍♂️

Always best to get these things talked out before making commitments.

Interestingly, my desire to find a man to settle down with completely disappeared after I had a child on my own, which I think supports your point about the biological want to have children.

Now I really don't get it at all, adding a man to the mix seems totally unappealing! However I do have friends who despite already having kids and divorced have put finding another relationship completely at the centre of their lives.

I think it's a pretty reasonable red line. So being up front from the start is the best way.