Am I Being A Bad Daughter?

[laylaandannabelle]

I am a woman in my mid 30’s living in London with my partner but originally from Scotland. I am due to fly home on Tuesday to spend Xmas with my Mum for a few days. Deep down I really don’t want to go and need a steer on whether I should dig deep and make the effort or remain true to myself. The past year has been a difficult one. An older brother went into residential care earlier on in the year. Our Dad died when we were young and our Mum is in her mid 70’s. I therefore was responsible for advocating, sourcing and securing funding for his care. This was on the back of him being in hospital for nearly 8 months whereby I visited him nearly weekly to take him out as our Mum was simply not up to it. In the midst of this, I’ve had to change companies twice due to restructuring. I just got back from Scotland 2 days ago as an uncle had died. The thoughts of having to get on a plane again when all I want to do is rest is unsurmountable. However, I feel if I don’t go and do rest I will feel incredibly guilty and that I have left my Mum down especially as she is 76 years and might not have too many Xmas’s. I have another brother who would spend the day with her but he is neurodivergent.

Bless you. I think you’re a fab daughter and I’d be very proud of you. I’m sure your mum is. I think speak to her candidly and let her know you’re exhausted and need to miss Xmas this year but will be up again at some point in the New Year, as in Jan/Feb. Not during the festive break. Enjoy some downtime. I’m sorry you’ve had such a tough year. I would never see my mum alone at Xmas but she will have your brother. Being ND doesn’t mean they can’t have a good time together.

In my opinion, you have left it too late to cancel your visit. Clearly, your mother has had an awful year too. I think you should go.

I'd go but tell my Mum I was exhausted and wanted a quiet Xmas with lots of rest.

OP, go and see your Mum. I have no doubt she is hugely looking forward to seeing you, and if you are tired, tell her - I’m sure she will allow you some down time. If it’s just you and her most of the time, with maybe your ND brother on Christmas Day, I’m sure you’ll cope! None of us is immortal, and there may be Christmases in future when you wish that you were able to hop on a plane to see your DM.

Will your mum/ brother do the cooking? I would go, explaim you are exhausted and need rest. Assume you feel comfortable in your mum’s house? Is this where you grew up?

If the thought of getting on a plane isn't doable then just get the train home. It's a nice run and you'll have plenty of time to relax en route. Problem solved.

Your not a bad daughter but an exhausted daughter.

Take care of yourself.

I couldn’t let my mum down at this late stage. I’d probably ring and let her know beforehand you’re exhausted and need to rest, but otherwise I’d definitely travel. I’m sure she’ll be so looking forward to seeing you.

"but he is neurodivergent", what does that mean in this context? It seems like you're saying it as a negative?

If you're exhausted and saw her a couple of days ago, tell her how you feel. Maybe she'd enjoy a trip down to visit you instead? Or, maybe you could change your tickets to next year once you're feeling better? If she's worth spending Christmas with, then she won't want you making yourself ill over it.

Go but keep it really simple. Don’t worry about presents and food, just worry about treating yourself and just being near your mum. She’ll appreciate it.