You don't get to choose to have a relationship with two dgc, but not the other.

[VivienneDelacroix]

PILs have never really made any effort with our 3 kids, but by DH's experience didn't make much effort as parents either.

In 16 years they've visited us 4 times (we live about 1hr 15 mins away). They expect us to go to them, but they make no effort. Expect the kids to sit quietly while the adults talk, offer no food, and don't even turn the heating on.

DH and I visited last week as we both had a day off and DC were at school.

F-I-L said that he feels the children don't know them and that he'd "like to have a relationship with the boys... Probably not with DD".

I was utterly shocked. Meanwhile DH said nothing, carried on the conversation.

This was ten days ago. DH has decided that tomorrow he will visit his parents with the boys (15 and 16).
Im working ( from home) so DD (11) will have to entertain herself on what should have been a day with her dad and brothers.

I've said to DH that he should refuse to go and tell them that

1. They've had 16 years to try and form a relationship with the dgc.

1. If they (he, mil said nothing) don't want a relationship with DD they can absolutely fuck off with having a relationship with the two boys.

So as not to dripfeed...DS16 and DD are both autistic. DS is quiet, reserved, whereas DD is more outwardly affected by her autism, can be dysregulated and definitely can't sit quietly while the adults talk.

Also no dementia or brain issues with FIL.

DH said "I'm sure he didn't mean it like he said, it's not because she's the youngest". I don't think it is because she's the youngest, I think it's because she's a girl and struggles with her autism.

AIBU to expect DH to tell his dad that he doesn't get to pick and choose which grandchildren he wants to see, and to stay at home with all 3 DC rather than pander to this horrible attitude?

I’d be furious if my DH went along with his father’s wishes. Totally unacceptable.

A relationship is built by interaction it's not picked and chosen. Your DH simple response is no it's not acceptable to have favourites and exclude one of my children.

If my partner said nothing and was willing to go along with this, I’d be telling him he needs to re think, and quickly. If he didn’t then come to the conclusion himself that this isn’t acceptable, I’d put my foot down and say the boys aren’t going, because this attitude is harmful, not only to your daughter, but to your sons as well. If my partner didn’t not only support me on this, but actually take the lead in telling his parents that this is wrong and isn’t happening, I’d be rethinking my relationship with him too.

My mother did this with my kids. Only wanted two of them and ignored the third .
we no longer speak because of this .

You should put your children’s welfare first… not what your in laws want .

Nobody would be teaching my son that he is more important than his (hypothetical) sister, least of all his bloody dad!

I would be completely stopping facilitating a relationship with PiL at all after that. Completely agree that them wanting a relationship with your DSs and not DD is shocking and not to be accepted. Did you say anything to PiL at the time?

I would be furious with DH if I were in your shoes. Do you think your DSs are going to want to go and visit given how PiL been to date?

Thank you everyone. It's good to know that I'm not being dramatic or unreasonable.

The children don't know this is what is happening. My DD thinks that she isn't going because they are doing something boring (and tbh they are - they are taking fil to a hospital appointment and then chopping wood for them). I've said to the boys tonight that they don't have to go(it was put to them that they should help out with the wood chopping). DS16 has decided not to go. DS15 is still going, because he is a genuinely kind boy who wants to help out his grandparents despite them not giving a shit about and never making an effort with them.

I'm more than happy never to see them again. And to be honest as DS15 is very emotionally mature, I was thinking about telling him what his grandfather had said, as he would absolutely want to back his sister and stay here. However, I would hate to be the source of his (DS's) upset, especially over Christmas.

I wish I had said something at the time, but I was so shocked and expected DH to say something. Also, at the back of my mind whenever we are there, is the huge argument they had with DH's brother's wife when she stood up to fil and told him that he shouldn't be driving under the influence of heavy duty opioids after he had an operation. (Bil had said nothing). They b didn't speak to bil or his wife for over a year. I don't want to be the reason that DH has to deal with his parents being angry at him in their old age. If he wants to confront them it needs to be his choice. (He knows what I think, and also knows that if my parents behaved this way, it would be a deal breaker for me). They would be unlikely to back down, fil hasn't spoken to his own sister for 25 years, and mil didn't speak to her brother for 6 years.

My parents are not perfect, but they treat their grandchildren with fairness and kindness and enjoy being around them. It makes me really sad at Christmas that this is how things are with the other set of grandparents.