I’m looking for some perspective and reassurance because I feel worn down and sad, and I don’t know what the right thing is anymore.
My mum and I have always had a difficult relationship. Growing up, I was the adult — managing her emotional breakdowns and acting as her counsellor. There was never much space for me.
Things worsened around my wedding. She became angry when I set boundaries, got very funny when she found out I earned more than she expected, and even stopped my brother from coming to my wedding — he was meant to walk me down the aisle. I still grieve that.
Last year, after my mum was diagnosed with a serious illness, she involved herself in an argument between me and my daughter’s dad. He was abusive to me when we were together, which she knows. Despite that, she took his side when he wanted to take our daughter out of school for a non-essential mini break. I said no due to attendance rules. To keep the peace, my husband and I still drove our daughter there after school and back before Monday, but it caused a massive blow-up with my mum.
Since then, I’ve tried to reconcile out of duty, but I feel emotionally manipulated. She sends ranting messages, then accuses me of not visiting — even when she’s been “too busy” when I’ve tried. Whatever I do seems wrong. I feel like I’m being punished for standing up for myself and protecting my child.
I’m no contact with my sister due to her toxicity, and overall I feel a lot of grief for the loss of my family as I hoped it could be. I’m doing well in life now, and it feels like instead of being happy for me, my family are angry with me for it.
Am I wrong to step back? How do you cope with a parent like this, especially when they’re ill? How do you let go of the guilt and grieve the family you don’t have?