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AIBU?

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Original poster

When a person with Alzheimer's will not wash

60 replies

WitsEnd129 · 21/12/2025 20:27

Posting in AIBU for traffic as dealing with a very tricky situation. FIL has Alzheimer's and personal care is a major issue. He has carers in the morning. He isn't safe to get in and out of shower, so the carers are meant to be giving him a strip wash twice a week. Since the care package started 2 months ago, he has only had one strip wash. That was only because DH was there with the carer to try an persuade him into doing it. On all of the other occasions, FIL says he has already had a wash and probably believes this himself. DH has tried to attend on wash days on a number of occasions, but his Dad just says no to a wash, saying he had already done it.

We are worried that he is going to get infections if he carries on without ever washing.

I appreciate that the carers can't make him wash. Would FIL fare any better in a care home in terms of keeping him clean or would it be the same problem that the care home couldn't make him do anything he doesn't want to do?

OP posts:
Acommonreader · 23/12/2025 22:25

Ihavelostthegame · 23/12/2025 14:26

They key with getting someone with dementia to do things is not to argue with them nor to ask them if they have done something.
So instead of saying ‘have you had a wash?’ Or ‘do you want to go and have a wash?’, you go through and run the bath, warm water in the sink or shower on and tell them come on x the bath is ready for you now. Make it sound like it was their idea not yours. It invariably works.

But do not ever argue. Arguing and creating bad feeling always makes the situation worse. People with dementia hold onto feelings far longer than they remember what caused them. So if you argue and they feel cross they will feel cross the entire time, and far far longer than they actually remember what they are cross about.

instead accept what they say. Go off do something else. Have conversations about other things and go back a few minutes later and try the whole process again till you succeed. Once you get to know someone you with dementia well you will work out how long you need to leave it. Work out how frequently their specific conversations take to repeat and go from there.

I’m a carer and this is all excellent advice.

rickyrickygrimes · 23/12/2025 22:36

Beentheredonethat98 · 22/12/2025 09:24

Having cared for parent and PIL with dementia I sympathise.

Everyone’s experience is different. But in the end I accepted that dementia is part of the dying process. If someone with dementia gets an infection because they refuse to wash that is also part of the dying process. If they fall down and break a hip because they refuse to go into a care home that is part of the dying process. If they refuse to eat and drink that is also part of the dying process.

We try to preserve and lengthen these lives because we love the person and we are distressed by the changes this disease brings about. But in the end that is futile. We have to accept that the person we knew is fading away and will leave us.

This is exactly what I’ve been thinking all the way through this thread. If a person is so ill, so far gone that they will no longer keep themselves clean enough to avoid infection, why are we fighting with them to avoid this? It’s part of their illness, and yes it may lead to their death. This is inevitable. That’s what illness and ageing means.

sprigatito · 23/12/2025 22:51

rickyrickygrimes · 23/12/2025 22:36

This is exactly what I’ve been thinking all the way through this thread. If a person is so ill, so far gone that they will no longer keep themselves clean enough to avoid infection, why are we fighting with them to avoid this? It’s part of their illness, and yes it may lead to their death. This is inevitable. That’s what illness and ageing means.

Show quote history

Because dying from a preventable infection can be a very painful, distressing and lingering way to die? I understand the point that’s being made, I really do. I think there is an ethical conversation to be had about prolonging life at all costs. But I think it’s going too far to say that we should stop treating infections and other conditions that can cause unnecessary suffering as well as death.

NotMeNoNo · 23/12/2025 22:58

My mum was very resistant to washing but now she is in a care home they manage it much better, even though she complains they sort of jolly her through. I think it's the sensory disturbance of it that makes them anxious.

Original poster
WitsEnd129 · 23/12/2025 23:11

TallulahBetty · 23/12/2025 13:29

Time for a care home, by the sounds of it. Please tell me someone has POA?

Yes DH and his brother has Power of Attorney.

OP posts:
Original poster
WitsEnd129 · 23/12/2025 23:15

MimiGC · 23/12/2025 13:54

@WitsEnd129Are the carers female? Just as most elderly women do not want personal care from men, some elderly men are embarrassed and upset to be seen undressed by women they don’t know. Might not be relevant in this case, but might be.

Yes, all carers female.

OP posts:
suburberphobe · 23/12/2025 23:19

These posts are horrendous.....

My mum was in a care home for 7 years with dementia. Dad died of cancer before her.

I hope I fall off my perch sooner rather than later.

I would hate for my son to have to deal with what I dealt with.

(Sisters both living abroad). We all pulled our weight though.

MimiGC · 23/12/2025 23:56

WitsEnd129 · 23/12/2025 23:15

Yes, all carers female.

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Then perhaps you could speak to the care agency and see if they have any male carers. They should understand the sensibilities around the need for same-sex care. It may make no difference in this instance, but certainly seems worth a try to see if it helps.

KittyFantastica · 26/12/2025 23:29

SleafordSods · 23/12/2025 14:35

How incredibly difficult for you to have the death of your DF avd now this eith your DFIL to contend with.

In my DMILs case her sense of taste and smell disappearing were one of the first symptoms of Vascular Dementia. Could it be that he couldn’t smell the smoke? How is your DMIL coping too? Has she had a Carers Assessment yet?

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Thank you, yes, it has been incredibly difficult. We lost our first son in September last year followed by a dear friend in May, our dog in July, our second son was born seven weeks early in August and then we lost my dad five weeks later in September. A very high stress year.

MIL and FIL have been divorced for for nearly 30 years but live several doors away from each other in the same village and are on good terms. They attend all the family gatherings amicably and are still friends, but she’s not interested in taking responsibility for him and rightly so, she remarried and has her own husband to look after now. Part of why it’s so hard with FIL at the moment is he lives alone and obviously isn’t able to successfully anymore, but the family are generally reluctant to move him to a home as he really doesn’t want to go and still insists there’s nothing wrong with him.

Popadomorbread · 26/12/2025 23:32

We had the same with a family member. The only thing that worked was he loved swimming so we took him swimming as much as possible, good exercise and meant we could get him to shower as part of the routine. This went on for over a year until his dementia progressed to where he was more accepting. Not sure if anything like this could help in your case?

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