To think ‘Limerence’ is a massive thing these days

[doglover867]

i actually didn’t hear the term before Mumsnet but I keep hearing it on so many channels. Has this always been a big thing?

seems like there are a lot of obsessions people have whether it be towards friends, same sex, colleagues etc.

does everyone feel this in some way?

There's nothing new about limerence, it has always happened.

How is a crush defined? Is that not also thinking non stop about someone? Or is a crush just fancying someone when they are physically present? Maybe we have been misusing the word crush rather than overusing the word limerance.

Having experienced it towards a colleague, it is different to a crush. It wasn’t unrequited, we both had feelings but had to acknowledge we couldn’t act on it because we’re both married and have kids. He moved back to his home country very suddenly (not due to this) and I became fixated on thinking about him. I think I was chasing the euphoric feeling I had around him, that sense of being magnetised to him and just genuinely enjoying talking to and being around him. Absolutely no idea if I ever cross his mind. I’m getting better now a year or so on but he does still cross my mind.

I can see how and why it would transform into stalking in someone with a mental illness. I wouldn’t do that because I’m mentally stable but I get it. You become kind of obsessed with the thought of them, and the thought of them thinking of you. Can’t really explain it but it is way more intense than a general crush.

How does that difference from a crush then?
I used to get crushes when I was teenager and think non stop about my crush and imagine us being together?

This.

A way for MN'rs to differentiate female emotional/physical affairs as being almost supernatural compared to men who want to shag someone from accounts

There's also the people who'd balk at being called a hypochondriac but happily label themselves as having health anxiety.

Sounds like yet another ailment of the self-obsessed.

It's different from a crush because it can apply to actual relationships and can come with really disordered thinking. For example the sufferer can do things like subsume their own identity and manufacture circumstances entirely tailored to suit or pander to the object of their obsession. For example, changing their appearance or interests to mirror them.

I linked to a blog earlier and it's written by a chap who has it. It struck me that he uses the phrase "love object" - it shows that there is something out of kilter, seeing another person more as an object even if they are involved with them. If the "object" doesn't behave as wanted or expected, it can go really badly.

In combination with other mental illness, things can turn really nasty.

It may seem like another buzz word or band wagon, but it's a phenomenon that demonstrates that unfortunately a combination of things can make a person so desperate for love, or their concept of love, they end up with quite the opposite by pursuing it aggressiveky.

Awful for the sufferer, awful for the "object" dealing with the fall out.

For godsake it’s been around for ever. Unrequited love, passion, obsession - it’s always been able to make people do crazy things. If it can be indulged then it’s the heady high of a new relationship. If not, it’s pain, obsession. It’s just got a fancy new name now.

It's a beautiful word, too - sounds like something out of Tolkien

It's this.

Calling it limerance seeks to validate it, pathologise it and absolves the someone of taking personal responsibility for their own actions.

Its one of the most intensely irritating words on the Internet! 😅

You hear about it now because posting endlessly online about unrequited love is a perfect outlet for people suffering from it, whereas in the past they'd have been filling paper diaries or writing letters that they'd never send.

Yes. They should go back to doing that.

I can understand the reflex to scoff or dismiss. I think it's a sign of our times that it's being "promoted" thanks to the internet, but it is pathological in its true and extreme form. To people who aren't consumed obsessively it seems like yet another form of attention seeking, but having seen it demonstrated in action, I can't stress enough that in extremis we're talking life threatening on both sides. And it is about way more than unrequited love, it's part of a damaged persons overall difficulties.

Definitely not the same thing as a crush, for anyone who has experienced it.
Very common in people with ADHD; something to do with low dopamine and crushes releasing huge amounts of it....and we know that there are more and more people being diagnosed with ADHD.

I wonder if it's an escape from the increasingly hard world we live in, to obsess over someone and therefore more talked about?

but it is pathological in its true and extreme form

These are not the people talking about it on SM generally though.

It rather smacks of the spate of fb reels I got about a year ago where everyone was diagnosing themselves as ND because they sometimes made themselves a cup of tea while they already had an open can of diet coke which leads half the population to go, "OMG, I do that! I must also be ND!"

I think this is definitely something to do with it. The person in my situation is diagnosed with BPD and experienced alot of childhood trauma, and was pursuing an ADHD diagnosis. They feel completely justified in their actions, and have gathered a lot of support against the object of their obsession. The "object" and their supporters have essentially had to go to ground to try and avoid any further unpleasantness impacting anyone involved. The bottom line is that nothing will ever be enough for them other than their imagined connection being made reality. Even then, I suspect the underlying doubts would just lead to hell for both parties. It is both depressing and chilling and apparently without hope of resolution.

I get where you're coming from. It's a baby and bathwater situation due to the trivialisation factor.