To push or not to push?

[Bloodyhell15]

Putting my tin hat on in advance of what I imagine will be a massive range of answers here but… am I too pushy a mother? Should I just… leave my kids alone??

Basically I was quite a self-motivated kid with quite rubbish parents (they probably pushed me a bit academically (which I was good at) but were quite emotionally neglectful). I really want my kids to feel like more than just “what they achieve” but also want them to have fun with life and experience lots of cool stuff, to find their hobbies, wherever their interests lie, so I try to get them to take an interest in a variety of things and I feel like they are just quite… lazy??

I know that sounds bad but one of them in particular (age 7) just doesn’t seem motivated to do anything! Left to her own devices she will literally just sit around and genuinely do very little at all. We have some screens but I limit them, I try to encourage reading, writing, sports, music, games etc. She genuinely seems interested in very little! although at school she works hard and has lots of friends.

The thing that’s frustrating is when they do try at stuff they tend to do very well. So eg when I have encouraged them to do things like enter writing completions and stuff like that they’ve done really well and definitely enjoyed it. It just takes SO much cajoling to get them out of their default laziness!

AIBU? Should I just leave them alone??

Just leave them, but don't fill the time. For a 7 year old yo independently want to join a writing competition is pretty unreasonable.

If they get bored enough they might try writing something if they genuinely enjoy writing and you could encourage submitting it.

But you have to leave them alone and see what they do when they don't have screens or you filling their time

Try to avoid comparing your daughter to how you think you were. Your memories are unlikely to be completely accurate so it’s meaningless- for example you probably spent time doing nothing (as all kids do) but that obviously features less in your memory than the interesting things you did.

Limit screens and make sure activities are available- sounds like you’re already doing this.

Sorry ,but what does "sitting around doing very little" actually look like? If there are no screens, I imagine he/she is not sitting around staring at a wall.

They will be doing something, even if it's "just" imaginative play...or daydreaming. Or whatever. And there is a lot to be said for that.

Lol I mean good question, honestly to me it really does look like sitting around staring at a wall a large amount of the time, hence the question! I guess… daydreaming??

Are they really lazy or do they lack confidence (very different things)? Entering a writing competition takes a certain degree of confidence and it’s not unusual for a 7 year old to need some motivating. How much motivating does it take? If it’s as simple as reminding her or her past experiences then that’s not laziness imo. I think it’s definitely a good thing to push kids outside their comfort zone but within their capabilities and they’ve seen me do the same. I think it has helped them become more resilient and willing to give new things a go.

I would ask her teacher about how she motivates the class too.

Have you tried talking to her? She could be using her imagination to create a story, thinking about her favourite song or a hundred other things.

No she wouldn’t do any writing at all (or really anything at all!) without some quite serious cajoling on my part. As is say left to her own devices a lot of the time she will literally sit around doing nothing and this is her default state!

At 7 I’d be focussing more on reading for pleasure, doing crafts etc. I wouldn’t push writing or writing competitions unless she showed an interest. My DD now enjoys creative writing but that’s a recent thing. At 7 she was much more into music (still loves music), baking with me or playing with toys, colouring etc. She’ll find her own stride if you let her find her own interests.

Think I’ve mislead people with the writing comment, that was just one tiny example of something I pushed with that proved fruitful, but it’s not something I do often. I would LOVE it if she read for pleasure but no dice. No dice with most stuff, as above

I think it’s pretty important to (a) let your children be children, (b) let your children be themselves, and (c) let your children be bored. So, give them opportunities to do things, but don’t constantly push. Let ‘pointless’ play be as good a thing to do as something more educational, or whatever.

I think if she's doing fine at school and you're already limiting screen time, I'd just let her be. There's nothing wrong with daydreaming or being a bit bored sometimes. Have some craft activities, lego, board games out and spend time doing fun things with her, she will probably enjoy doing things together with you, baking, making beaded bracelets etc.

Does she do any out of school activities like brownies, sports, music lessons? I would probably sign her up for a few things, or taster sessions in the holidays, to see what sparks her interest - you could invite one of her little friends along if she likes? Just let her try out different activities and have fun - there's no need to be pushy at this age.