I'm just a waste of space

[Fuckeditallcozimfuckedandall]

I read on here a lot how men and father fuck up. How they just selfishly ruin everyone's life. I'm a mother and I feel like I'm no better. I'm a "recovering" alcoholic, with 2 kids and a partner with health issues, and I completely lost it today and I feel so worthless and pathetic. I have been carrying so much over the last few months, and today I lashed out to my DC1, completely losing the plot. I screamed at the top of my head, I said really mean things. I was just so fed up, I just didn't know how else to get my feelings heard. I tend to everyone, spend every ounce of energy and time on everyone else. Everyone needs me every second of the day and night, and I just lost it today. I know it's nobody's fault but mine. My DC 1 is only 5 and my baby only 1 and my partner had a debilitating health issue and it's not their fault. I should be able to do the normal things and get on with it. My DC1 can be extremely sensitive to transitions (like getting dressed or ready, going to bed, etc.) and I know this but I completely lost it and let the rage consume me and I screamed at the top of my head for them to get on with it or I'd force them to. Everyone got so upset because of me and I just couldn't handle it. I ran away, went to a pub and downed a bottle of wine. I had stopped drinking for 2.5 years prior to this, my dad and most of my family are alcoholics and it is the only way I know how to deal. I tried my best. I quit alcohol for a long time and still I'm not coping without it. I'm at a point where I think everyone is just better off without me and I frankly don't know how to move forward. I love my kids more than the whole universe and they deserve so much better than a low life shit mother.

I'm sorry things are so tough op, I'm sure your family don't think they would be better off without you.

Sorry you are feeling so bad. You recognised that it was not right to shout at your child. They will be picking up on the stress in the house and acting out because of this. You done well to go so long without drinking but have now lapsed. Don't let this be a slippery slope back to alcahol. If there an AA meeting you can attend close to you?

You’re a good mother, you just messed up today but you can repair. Apologise and make it up to them by some quality time, playing games or something they like to do.
It’s hard work and the pressure is on with Christmas approaching. Your child will forgive you as long as you explain yourself and apologise.

YABU. They're much better off having you. Sometimes the pressure gets too much, and today it got to you.

You are struggling because you have never been taught or shown how to regulate your emotions other than to seek comfort at the bottom of a bottle.

It's hugely common for children of alcohics to experience this. It sounds like AA or counselling could get you back on track.

You can learn alternative strategies to deal with stress. You owe it to yourself and your kids.

Have you had therapy?
Most of us have snapped and regretted it. What's important is being able to move on and prevent it happening again. What you have done is spiral with really negative self talk and use of a dangerous coping mechanism. That needs addressing to prevent this, and worse, happening again.
Refer yourself to Early Help for some parenting support, contact your local drugs and alcohol service ASAP, contact GP or talking therapies service to work on your emotions and negative view of yourself. Consider a referral to adult social care for your partner if he has care needs and a referral for a carers assessment for yourself.
This can be just one blip, but only if you do the work on yourself to prevent it happening again. You're not a waste of space, people will not be better off without you. Stop telling yourself these things, it will make things worse.

Thank you everyone, I don't think I deserve the sympathy. I don't know why I find it so hard while so many mothers and women just crack on with it. I don't know how to cope. I've always used alcohol but over 2 y ago, I promised myself I'd stop as it is so destructive. I'm amazed I've held on so long but I still never managed to control my nerves and anger. I've done therapy before, and I think I'm at a stage where maybe I need medication? I'm still breastfeeding my youngest so I'm scared of taking anything that would affect him.

Hope, if you don't mind me asking, are you feeling any better now?

Your kids aren't better off without you and you know this deep down. You don't write off your role as a mother due to one bad day.

There's a lot of alcoholism in my extended family so I really understand.

Your support seems thin on the ground and your partner is also ill.

Seeking out AA - even if the drinking is just a blip, it's good to have the support of a sponsor who understands.

Try to find some parenting classes. They aren't for poor or bad parents. They are for people who want to be the best parent for their children.

Also, pick one thing you enjoy that maybe you can channel into a stress reliever. For me, it's jogging or music. It can be anything positive that you just centers you.

If you get those 3 set up, it will reduce the likelihood of being overwhelmed by stressed and drink being the default.

PS - you find it difficult because you've never had the models and support structure most people have. It's not your fault. Do talk to your GP as a starting point. You know you can do it if you are supported. If you were a bad mum and didn't care, you wouldn't have posted.

Stick with it, seek support and things will get better for you.

I have lost it before several times with my kids being those ages. Please do not catastrophise this. You are everything to them. You had a rubbish day, you are not a crap mother. No mother is perfect. You can apologise and move on from this. Please reach out for help with your alcoholism. I think therapy would be a good idea.

Forgiving yourself will go a long way.
Many of us aren’t coping brilliantly - including me.

You need to see a doctor. You can't look after your children if you don't look after yourself first. That's why you are told to put on your own oxygen mask first on a plane.

All we can do is try. It always seems like others manage to sail through life, but that's not how it really is.