DH thinks the children not coming home for Christmas has a deeper meaning

[kazzimo]

DH and I have 4 adult children, this year DS2 and DS3 aren’t coming home. DD and DS1 are. DS2 and DS3 live in London, one of their partners just bought a gorgeous flat in Marylebone and she’s spent a while decorating it. They’ve decided to all stay in London and DS2 and his girlfriend are going to host for them. DS2 said his reasons are that they are going away for new year and then to her family in Kazakhstan for orthodox Christmas so some time being lazy at home is needed. DS3 doesn’t finish work until midday on Christmas Eve and has to be back on the 27th.

DH is in a spiral thinking we must have upset or offended them somehow, I don’t think this is the case at all. I’ve still made up a stocking for all 4 of them and sent a gift in advance, we are going to FaceTime for gift opening. I think this is just them growing up and no longer seeing us as the nucleus of their lives. Admittedly DS1 and DD have come home every year but they all have their own preferences.

AIBU to think DH is being dramatic?

I have a 6yr old so no experience….. however it sounds like you have raised adults who are independant, self sufficient, in healthy relationships and beginning to adult for themselves.

well done :) enjoy Christmas. There will be other/ different occasions when your family is all together.

And how nice that your 2DS are actually spending it together in London?.

out of interest, if DH is concerned, as he contacted the to discuss or just complaining….

Have you asked him what he expected to happen when the kids grew up, was he under the impression they would all always come home forever, regardless of partners etc?

No, I stopped going to family for Christmas as I much prefer the settings in my own home. The partner who has just got her home just the way she wants it will feel the same, she's likely proud of how nice she's made the place and wants to celebrate in her own home. Definitely wouldn't take it personally, everyone should be where they most feel comfortable at (especially if it's their first Christmas and she/they've gone all out to make their home all Christmassy. It would feel like a waste to miss celebrating it there after all that effort. DH should maybe have a talk with the 'missing' DC to put his mind at rest, without causing any stress to them. Sounds lovely to me and be happy for my DC to be doing it their way.

Does/did he see his parents every single year? Do/did you also see your parents every single year? If not, was there some deeper meaning to it?

He’s being silly.

I told all my adult kids to make their own Christmases. If they ever want to go to their partners' or stay at home they are to do so AND NOT FEEL GUILTY. I spent far too many Christmases trailing around other people when I'd far rather have been at my home with my own family.

OP, do you think your DH is having problems adjusting to his kids being grown up? Did he seriously imagine that mum and dad were always going to be more of an attractive possibility than a few days off work lounging with their partner and relaxing? Because it's part of growing up. He might need some help with seeing them as adults.

I think it’s lovely that they’ll be together in London, so it’s still family. Just something different, so a bit strange for DH, understandably.

Sounds fine to me and their reasoning makes perfect sense

He obviously hasn't thought this through! He knows kids become adults, right? How did he think this would work out when they get their own homes/partners/kids. Life constantly evolves and rightly so. They all have perfectly valid reasons for not visiting (not that they need to). The one with the gorgeous apartment naturally wants to host and show it off for example. Is your DH insecure about getting older, is there more going on in his head?

I think if someone's DC has a partner who can afford a flat in Marylebone then there's not much to complain about!

My adult DD is coming this year for first time in about 4 years? DS will stay in London as he is on call for work.
Its just Christmas, if you see them other times in the year l cant see the problem.

I stopped going to my parents for Xmas when I was 24.

They're adults living their own lives. This is normal.

He's overreacting to them growing up. Did he really think they were going to spend Xmas with you two forever? Of course not.

I get that he feels sad about this perhaps / yes it’s normal but having feelings is also normal /

I never went to Christmas with my parents once I was an adult myself and had my own independent life. It’s not unusual.

I understand that he’s sad about it, but assuming there isn’t some massive backstory that you’re avoiding then I thoroughly agree with “I think this is just them growing up and no longer seeing us as the nucleus of their lives.” - it’s a normal and healthy thing!

Life does indeed evolve and fully functioning adults spread their wings and find other priorities. I was never a great fan of family life, having grown up in a tiny two-uo-two-down terrace. Gaining my own space was important to me, Going to my parents house for the compulsary "family" christmas became more and more of an orderal. Especially when my mother tried to guilt me into it. Leaving the city I was born in more or less knocked visits home on the head. I used to dread November when my mother would start on the "what are you dong for christmas".The last thing I wanted was to be stuck with a needy mother because I dont drive and there was no public transport. Fortunately there were no smart phones then and it was much harder to get hold of people.

It could be nothing, it could mean something. You won't really know until next year.
They're putting in a lot of effort to visit her family for orthodox christmas this year, and no effort to see your family. It could be their planning to alternate, but if they aren't interested in seeing you next year then it probably does mean something.

For your other son, how far away do you live? There's a big difference between driving 2 hours after work Christmas eve and driving 6 hours.

He’s being ridiculous. Maybe it will soon be time for you to go to them? It shouldn’t always be the adult children driving around to everyone over Christmas. It’s exhausting.

No it's fine. Sounds like a fabulous Christmas they have planned.

How lovely that you have raised DSs who are spending Christmas together and clearly feel comfortable enough to do their own thing. I’m sure your DH will miss them but I’d be thinking it was a sign you have raised them to be independent and honest with you.

Thank you for understanding that sometimes Christmas traditions change due to various circumstances. I guess your DH is struggling with your children becoming independent adults and wanting to try Christmas a different way due to what's going on in their lives.
I'm 46 and my mum is currently sulking & making snide comments because for once DH & I have decided to do Christmas differently (she won't be on her own, we gave her plenty of notice & things will go back to normal next year) but her behaviour is putting a real damper on my own Christmas spirit this year.

You have done your job and raised successful adults , we see adult children every 3rd year.

By the time I was 22, I lived 3000 miles away from my parents. I was just starting out and couldn’t afford to travel home every year. It was an easy demarcation into adulthood.

There were also issues with my parents, but even if we were incredibly close, it wouldn’t have changed anything.

i don’t see my parents every Christmas. It still isn’t practical as we now live even further because they moved too. Occasionally, they come to me. Occasionally I go to them.