To expect a teeny bit of understanding

[Northernmumxx79]

Dh has had health problems for maybe 50% of our marriage. I have taken on all the household jobs etc as I only work part time. I have also given him lots of care both personal and emotional support. He still works full time as he has a desk job.
Just recently I had some unexpected bad news following an ultrasound. I am on a 2WW cancer pathway for an ovarian cyst and thickened endometrium with bleeding. I broke the news to DH on Thursday and his response was zero. Nada.
So since then I have been quite distant (sleept in a different room )I admit, but have still been supportive. Last night I sent a message explaining how much am struggling hoping I would get some support.
His response this morning was to just rant about how useless he is. Physically he can't do what he used to be able to do.
AIBU to expect support

He's basically made it all about him. Men are extremely good at that. I expect he's frightened to death that his hand maiden won't be able to care for him any more. So sorry you are going through all of this OP. Make your own health a priority from now on.

Thank you. I feel bad because I know he is feeling really low and frustrated but I matter too.

No, you’re definitely NBU to expect some support. I’m sorry you’re going through this. When you’re feeling up to it, sounds like a long chat with your DH is necessary to see whether he’s willing and able to support you. In the meantime, I really hope you have others around you to listen and support you and I really hope everything turns out ok for you ❤️

I would tell him to wise up it isn't about him, or his health this is actually about you. I know that sounds harsh but needs must sometimes.

So basically you've supported him for years, now it'd your turn he can't return the support. Typical useless bloke, user and taker.

Obviously you need emotional support, but I can see from your DHs point of view, that he is probably feeling massively guilty that he is unable to support you with the day-to-day strains and stresses in a physical way. I think many men feel safer giving practical, physical support than emotional support.

He's got used to you not mattering. You've always looked after him emotionally and physically. You aren't his mother. In my experience men don't need much encouragement to be self absorbed anyway. Forget how "low and frustrated" he feels. Tough shit, this isn't about him.

He has shown no care for, or interest in, how you are feeling.

I had an ovarian growth 2 years ago ( not cancer, but I didn't know that at the time). This is one of the scariest things that ever happened to me. My DH was extremely supportive at a very frightening, unsettling time.

Your OH has shown he's not there for you. It breaks my heart that you're feeling bad out of empaphy for what he is feeling. He does not deserve that. I hope you haveca mother, sister or friend who can fill the gap.

I agree, the op doesn't have to be mean about it but him feeling low and frustrated really isn't the op issue imo, I do have experience of disability and ill health so I get it but you have to manage some emotional support for your loved ones as well.

So sorry about your diagnosis. This must be hard, especially without any emotional support. And, your DP's behaviour is infuriating. When you called him out on his lack of emotional support, he made it all about himself and his physical limitations. But, what you were expecting was some kindness and consideration. Whatever his health issues, he should be capable of that. I'm sorry. Do you have children? Have you been together long? I'm sure there is a lot more to your relationship but from what you've provided here, it seems somewhat one-sided.

Thank you

Thank you all for the replies. We have kids still at home. Overall the marriage is ok.
I have told friends who so far haven't said much but I am sure they will be supportive if it's bad news.
Hopefully all will be well but not knowing is horrible.

Talk to him about what you need from him. It sounds like he is at a loss because he knows how much you do physically and doesn't know how either of you would cope if neither of you could do it. Tell him that you need him to mentally and emotionally be there for you now, and you'll worry about the practical together when you know what your treatment plan and things will be.

Good advice. Thank you everyone. I don't actually think he read my message so no wonder he kept on complaining about how bad his Christmas was going to be as he was in pain.
Totally oblivious to the fact that not knowing whether you have cancer or not is hardly fun.

Face to face conversation needed.

Well face to face conversation took place and he apologised. He really is struggling walking but this evening he came out with this gem. I give up.
"I'm not downplaying your conditions but I wish we can swap conditions for a weeK. "
Well yes actually you are.

Oh. My. Actual. God.

I had no words. 🤔

I have lots and lots of words but I'd end up banned.

My ex husband was like this, if I had a headache he had a migraine....

What do you want from him? Wanting support is quite vague. Tell him exactly how you want him to give support.
I've been in your situation, I wanted DH to carry on as normal and not make an issue of it. Instead I got the sad face with the oh no's and sorrys and getting all soppy.
If it was my DH who had that news, my default would be to carry on as normal too as I wouldn't want to dwell on it.

So sorry OP. When I got exactly the same news as you my other half (at the time) went out to watch football. I also have other health conditions and trust me when someone has an acute situation, nobody should ever play the ‘you wouldn’t want to be me’ card. Ever.
However, I hope I can offer a bit of positive light. Myself and three friends all went through the same process one after the other.
All clear.
I have been through it a few times now, I am on HRT and have a history of endo so they keep an eye on things.
It is really, really common to go through what you are going through and so many non-cancerous reasons. My DH now is more understanding but I have learned to lean on my female friends more, as they just get it.
I have also had something called a hysteroscopy a few times. If you hear that word don’t panic, I’ve had three clear ones.
I was terrified when I got that first call. I’m not blase about it now but if I do get the same call I now just call it the VIP MOT.
People with long term conditions and pain can get a bit blinkered but it’s still no excuse.
I just wanted to reassure you that there’s nothing to worry about, you are getting seen really quickly, and will know pretty quickly as well.
Best of luck and try not to get too concerned. Let us know how you get on as well!

ETA, just saw your update. I’m really sorry.

I suppose I wanted more than to be ignored when I told him. I got zero reaction. Everything is always about him sadly and he is currently the most ill health has been in a long time. I do sympathise but I have taken up so much slack recently. I just want to matter and I feel that last conversation proves I don't.

Thank you.

Thank you. It is is not my 1st rodeo either with the bleeding and endometrium issue. The same thing happened two years ago so this will be another Christmas of not knowing. Last time the biopsy was so painful and it failed anyway. So I had it with a GA.
Hopefully I will get an appointment soon. I don't think they are as concerned with the cyst.