Suspicious of lying

[Lostandfoundme]

My partner and I both have children with our previous spouses. My partner’s divorce was very messy and I supported him throughout. He’s recently started rebuilding bridges with his ex for the sake of their son. They live an hour away from us.

Obviously a fair bit of trust is required on both sides as we both have to see our exs.

anyway, to cut a long story short, I think he’s going to church with his ex wife and son tomorrow but he’s told me he’ll be late because he’s going to pop in and see a mate.

It’s not that I would tell him he couldn’t go to church with them it’s the lying that bothers me.

For context I’m not even allowed to ask my ex how he is today.

Am I being unreasonable?

Well I think I'd be reminding him how you can't ask your ex how he is and if you find out he's lying then you'll be considering the relationship in general.

He'll have a choice to make then.

It's a pretty specific thing though. What makes you think he's going to church?

Why do you think he's lying?

It sounds like you are both mistrustful of each other, not 'allowing' you to ask your ex how he is seems controlling and unhealthy. If you're both secure in the relationship, you both should be able to have an amicable, even friendly relationship with your exes to facilitate good co-parenting.

You supported him through divorce? Were you the OW? Were you also married when you met? If the relationship did start as am affair it's hardly surprising there are trust issues. As they say, same way they come, same way they go. No point fretting about it though, if he does go back to his ex, no level of control or accusations will prevent it.

You’re not allowed to ask your ex how he is? Why are you letting a partner dictate if you exchange a pleasantry with an ex? He is clearly hiding it because he wouldn’t like it given he won’t even let you ask your ex how is. So he doesn’t want you to recognise his double standards. My ex and I get on well, and that’s good for the kids so no new man would be telling me I couldn’t ask him how he was. Especially when he is now going places with his ex but hiding it.

No, not the other woman. We were both at the end of long divorces when we met.

He's lying because he wants there to be one rule for you and completely different ones for him. This isn't a good relationship OP, that should have been clear when he told you that you weren't even allowed to ask how your ex was. Don't bring your kids up with this lying, controlling man.

You’re both very unreasonable to think that there needs to be a fair bit of trust in a relationship to allow the other person to coparent with an ex with whom they have children….

Those are relationships that have to be maintained and should be as friendly as possible - unless there’s a specific concern, you need to allow each other to coparent!

This does not sound a healthy relationship. Why do you let him dictate to you in regards to your ex? Him lying to you about his ex!
You should all be putting these kids first and try and maintain friendly boundaries with your exes instead of this nonsense.

The lack of trust seems really irrational then. What makes you think he is lying?

Just a feeling and he says he’s going to be late back because he’s going to go shopping. For the record, it wouldn’t be a problem him going, it’s the lying I would find intolerable. When we first got together I envisioned lots of separate coparenting activity with our exs and children but he was the one who thought that was a crazy concept. I just want parity.

I would be more bothered by the fact he is not allowing you to speak to your ex...is he controlling in other ways?