Be gentle please - if you fancy someone, does that mean you want to have sex with them?

[scottishlassies]

I'm in my 20s and have never had a relationship (yet!). This is largely due to trauma in my childhood that I'm beginning to overcome in therapy. I'm not used to identifying romantic or sexual feelings in myself but I have recently developed feelings for a guy from my book club, which is huge progress for me. I appreciate his personality and I'm also physically attracted to him (I like his hands and his eyes and his facial hair). I still feel shame around sex but I want to not be ashamed. Would you say that if you have feelings for someone, that means you'd like to have sex with them? Or are the two different? Or is it that fancying someone is a step on the way to wanting to have sex? I'm trying to figure this all out in my own head so wanted to hear what others think.

Most people who say they fancy someone are thinking of the person in a sexual way, yes. This is what seperates 'that' type of attraction to a person from the type you might have to someone you just want to be friends with.
However, not everyone thinks this way. There are people who are attracted to someone because they'd like to be closer to them, but don't want sex with them.
Sometimes it's hard to identify which it is until you know them better. Sometimes it changes from one to the other as you go along.
If I were you, I'd just concentrate on the feelings you have and what those feelings mean you'd like to do.
If it's an option to get to know this person better, then take things as they come. They might try to intiate physical intimacy, and if they do, you get to decide whether it's what you want or not, and give your consent or not. And you can withdraw your consent at any point you decide it's not what you want.

You can fancy/have a crush on someone without actually wanting to have sex with them, but fancying someone is motivated by sexual attraction of some kind, yes. But it doesn't mean you 'should' want to have sex with them just because you're attracted to them.

I really think it’s a continuum. You can like and want to be close to someone without necessarily feeling a strong sexual desire. Without wishing to generalise, I think this is typically more true for women, who often tend to develop an emotional connection before a very powerful physical connection develops (this obviously isn’t always the case for everyone).

I would say that fancying someone usually begins with liking being around them, noticing things about them that are pleasing to look at, and being particularly interested in them. Over time that might progress to wanting to touch them or wanting them to touch you, ie holding their hand or wanting to have physical closeness. After that, if you continue getting close, that could develop into more explicit sexual desires.

If you’re feeling your way into new territory and trying to overcome trauma, it sounds healthy to develop a stronger emotional connection and trust before exploring a sexual connection. Don’t feel like you need to rush the process; just enjoy the excitement of noticing them and exploring your feelings. Hope you have fun!

You can like someone because of their personality as a friend, but fancying someone is primarily wanting to kiss them, touch them, them touch you, and yes, potentially have sex. But part of that is fantasy if you don't really know them very well.

Of course just because you fancy someone doesn't mean you should feel obliged to sleep with them. You can get to know them and then realise that you've changed your mind about being intimate.

I think if his hands, eyes and hair look nice to you, you definitely do fancy him. When we think of someone romantically, it's all the little things about them that we find very appealing. We don't always want to have sex with people we fancy, if that was the case most marriages wouldn't last, but oftentimes, if circumstances are right, fancying can indeed turn into sex.

Take it slow....things can develop naturally, good luck. x

I can admire someone aesthetically without wanting to have sex with them.

Admiring someone aesthetically isn't the same as fancying them though.

Yes - that's the point I was trying to make 😀

There are plenty of people who want to have sex without any kind of feelings.

There are people who only want sex when there are feelings.

And there are people who have feelings but aren’t sure whether or not that will lead to a physical relationship of any kind, let alone sex. And that’s okay.

It sounds to me, OP, as though you need to find someone you trust enough to be honest that this is difficult for you and ask them to be patient, go slowly, and let you call the shots. If that’s this guy, great. Try holding hands and see how that goes. Maybe a kiss. Maybe a bit more. And so on. You don’t have to go from first base to a home run all in one go.

I fell head over heels for someone who I didn't fancy physically. I had an overwhelming desire to be with him, and could hardly think about anything else. The impure thoughts came a (short) while later. 🤣

“is it that fancying someone is a step on the way to wanting to have sex?”

I’d say you’re right with this one. Even when single I could think someone was gorgeous without necessarily wanting to have sex with them, for all sorts of reasons. But when you do eventually have sex with someone it should be with someone you love looking at, love touching, love being around. So yes it’s a step on the way.

I don’t know if this is related to the trauma you have, but you might take the pressure off yourself by remembering just how many steps there can be between liking someone and having sex with them. There’s spending time together talking or walking or dancing etc etc, there is flirting maybe in person or in messages, there is starting to be closer physically - long hug goodbye for example, there’s kissing with nothing else going on, there’s all kinds of other stuff without even taking your or their pants off necessarily, and then there’s all the naked stuff and then there is sex (different sex things). Just in case helpful. Doing one does not mean you have to do any others. You’re not signing up to have sex the minute you flirt with someone, you’re not agreeing to have sex even when you’re naked in bed with them. You only consent to sex when you consent.

Yes!

I’d say yes, at least the beginnings of it.

"Or is it that fancying someone is a step on the way to wanting to have sex? "

Yes. Completely normal.

Usually fancying someone would mean you probably want to have sex with them BUT you might not feel that way straight away and I recall being a teenager and before I'd had sex that I fancied people but didn't necessarily feel ready to have sex with them, so maybe that's what you're experiencing?

Some kind of physical attraction may be what draws you to a person, but getting to know that person can be make or break whether you want to have sex with them. Unless of course you just want to have a fun (think one night stand/friends with benefits). I'd still say sexual attraction runs deeper than just looks (in my opinion, anyway).

Ultimately I'd say sex should happen as a natural progression in a romantic relationship between two consenting adults.

With time, you will learn to trust what feels right to you. 🙂

Well, there's degrees of fancying someone. I fancy a few men I know but I wouldn't want to have sex with them all. I think for most women, there are factors other than physical attraction - one of them being taking care of your own safety. Don't go and hook up with someone who might not be very nice just because they're hot.

Yes I think so (having feelings to someone such as the scenario you described). No hurry though and enjoy getting to know each other. A relationship is many things and may include sex. I would assume the guy would want a sexual relationship at some stage. Due to some unresolved issues I had (another story), I have only had one partner in my 20s and it was my DH. I wasn’t ready and he waited 6 months. He would have had sex much earlier on but we were on my timeline.

Just one take on it, and have fun thinking about him. Good luck, OP.