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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For being upset by ex h grand gesture

20 replies

Welshmum2010 · 20/12/2025 17:05

I’ve been divorced about 6 years and have 2 teenagers who are with me 80/90% of the time. Their dad moved away about an hour so they can now only go at weekend and he cancels this half the time to do things with new gf and their kids. I get maintenance but still based off when he had them more I didn’t report to csa as it’s a lot of trouble. I also can’t speak to him directly due to domestic abuse in the past. He sorts things out with the kids or via third party. Also he has no clothes or anything at his house, even a tooth brush so they take everything and he doesn’t contribute more than maintenance to extra things like school trips. I also do everything with school, medical etc.

this weekend he’s picked then up and arranged a trip to London and winter wonderland. This is something I couldn’t do due to money. They now think he’s amazing when all year he’s done nothing 😞. Now I feel really sad about this. If he was present all the time then fine but he acts like a fun uncle or grandparent while i carry all the load. I’ve not said anything and I want them to have fun but I can’t help feeling sad and being a bit angry. It’ll also be all over fb with people saying he’s the best dad ever

OP posts:

TonyTheImpala · 20/12/2025 17:08

I’m sorry, I can see how that must feel. Hopefully when they’re older, they’ll realise a little more the disparity. They probably already do, to be honest.

Bigtreeesss · 20/12/2025 17:09

you should have gone to csa? It’s not a hassle then you’d of been able to take your kids with the maintenance money - so use your time without them to get that sorted

Kids can see through Disney dads in the long run so I wouldn’t worry about that

FlippyKiYayFlippyFlipper · 20/12/2025 17:09

They know who is always there for them OP. I’d feel upset and angry too but it’s a one day experience. You do the other 364 days and make sure they have what they need. Even if they maybe don’t recognise it now, one day when they have kids of their own they’ll see why you did for them and I bet they have limited contact with their dad. 💐

jocktamsonsbairn · 20/12/2025 17:12

Your kids will know. It didn’t take mine long to know who was the reliable parent and who was the fake show pony. They will value you more and know they can rely on you as you are the dependable parent. I always said to mine to exp t nothing but anything they did get was a bonus.
my XH never paid maintenance and I had to go through csa. I would do that now to get what you are due. If he kicks off just say you were sent a letter telling you to update your details and you were worried what would happen if you did t comply. Or suggest he matches what he should be paying without their involvement. If I remember right he might have to pay a % to them for managing it.

fatphalange · 20/12/2025 17:18

I’m in the same boat but honestly I’d be chuffed for the kids. As for social media…only idiots would think he’s a good dad just because he’s pulled this. They all know he isn’t a proper parent. The kids will enjoy it though and that’s good. They will also be starting to realise, or already realise exactly what he is like. Which is sad for them. Let them enjoy the fun parts.

Endofyear · 20/12/2025 17:23

Try and be happy that your kids will have a lovely trip - they will know as they get older who was there for them 24/7 and who turned up now and again playing Disney dad. If I were you, I'd make sure that he's paying the correct amount of maintenance, it doesn't have to be a hassle, you can ask for a reassessment.

Original poster

Welshmum2010 · 20/12/2025 17:25

Bigtreeesss · 20/12/2025 17:09

you should have gone to csa? It’s not a hassle then you’d of been able to take your kids with the maintenance money - so use your time without them to get that sorted

Kids can see through Disney dads in the long run so I wouldn’t worry about that

I would need to get the court order for access changed as well and I can’t face that as I nearly had a breakdown last time having to face him in court after going to court over the domestic abuse. It’s not worth it to me for a few years.

OP posts:

Kizmet1 · 20/12/2025 17:31

I used to get really excited when my dad did slightly more than the bear minimum because he was usually so rubbish/absent.
Now as an adult, we haven't spoken in 9 years, but I do as much as I possibly can for my mum who wasn't perfect but was always there.
Glitz doesn't out shine stability and security in the long run, it is just a flash that looks good alongside all the other fake social media nonsense and then it is gone, and I'm sure your kids know that. ❤️

noctilucentcloud · 20/12/2025 17:34

I get that it's disheartening and frustrating but don't be so sure people don't see through it - a neighbour of mine is a disney dad and it's obvious.

The way I'd look at it is, if one of your children (god forbid) was really ill or had an accident, which parent would they want to be with them if they were scared and in pain? I'm sure it is you OP who is there for them day in and day out rather than your ex. That's the most important thing, you're there for them whatever. They will realise this as they get older.

TheTaupeScroller · 20/12/2025 17:45

Kids are not stupid, they know when a dad is a Disney dad.

Be happy for them, enjoy their trip - part of it for them might be relief that their dad actually gives a tiny monkey about them for a change. It doesn't impact negatively on you at all. They know.

It might sound like it's unfair, but keep steady, and you will be the one they are grateful for.

Myfridgeiscool · 20/12/2025 17:54

Kids see straight through this stuff.
They know who’s truly got their back.
They know who cooks their favourite dinner.
They know who shows up when needed.
It doesn’t take long OP, hang in there.
Let him parade his peacock tail around. It’s just sad when they’re like this.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/12/2025 18:00

In scrolling down to read this I accidentally clicked you are being unreasonable

you’re not!! He’s a fucking arsehole, you rock

TissuesSnotCough · 20/12/2025 18:02

noctilucentcloud · 20/12/2025 17:34

I get that it's disheartening and frustrating but don't be so sure people don't see through it - a neighbour of mine is a disney dad and it's obvious.

Exactly this. The glitz wears off. The real times you are there when they need you is what they'll appreciate and remember more.Kids aren't daft.

Odiebay · 20/12/2025 18:19

This will come back around. When they are older and he doesn't show up I'm telling you they will know you have been there for them all along. Hang in there. Disney dads never last!

PluckyChancer · 20/12/2025 18:23

Sorry you’re feeling sad and hurt. It’s understandable but don’t let them see your sadness.

Let the kids enjoy this experience and feeling like they have a decent caring dad for a change, and to be just like their friends.

Your kids are playing the game too. They know the truth that you’re the one who is always there for them, but they have probably also learnt that they have to suck up to your ex and make a show of immense gratitude for him to bother with them and treat them occasionally. Especially as he has a shiny new family that takes up his time. Don’t begrudge them.

Everyone hits the Like button on social media but it doesn’t mean they actually support your ex. I have a friend who’s divorced and her ex posts on Facebook when he takes their daughter out and I hit that like button because it’s the smiling face of their daughter I’m ‘liking’, not the shitty ex. I’m still polite when I bump into him in town but inside I’m thinking ‘what a wanker!’.

alphabetti · 20/12/2025 18:39

I really feel for you. I’m at beginning of process ex treat us like rubbish didn’t prioritise our daughter and was rude to my older child and got into pointless debt and spent his time football reffing and coaching. I put my foot down and he walked into the arks of a woman at the football club and since has not paid a penny for our daughter. Hasn’t seen her in months as won’t commit to times that work for her. I’ve struggled financially so made a claim to child maintenance and now i’ve got messages about him having her birthday and christmas presents (he didn’t even message when was her burthday 3 weeks ago). He’s threatening to come pick her up christmas day - he won’t my fsmily will be here and get rid of him. But it’s just so upsetting and we expected to hand our precious children over to someone whose caused so much hurt for fun times whilst we continue the daily slog

Hankunamatata · 20/12/2025 18:42

Kids remember the small stuff

Paste on a smile and tell the kids how fabulous. And then have a good old scream and cry to a good friend.

Newgirls · 20/12/2025 18:46

Honestly it’s a win for you. It’s a busy, expensive and stressful place so put your feet up and be glad you’re not having to get them there and spend £8 each on hot chocolate. Your warm and cosy and can watch a film and have a chill time

yes he’s a dick

BoarBrush · 20/12/2025 20:17

Most kids do learn eventually. Had a similar Disney dad situation here, dd cut him off two years ago, nothing so much as a card or text since. Says it all really.

soupyspoon · 20/12/2025 20:20

I take it they're young teens, they'll learn

Enjoy their enjoyment about the trip OP, be pleased they're going to have a good time (as long as it happens and he doesnt let them down) and just be the number 1 consistent as you always are.

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