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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or am I a mug

18 replies

WhatAMug25 · 20/12/2025 11:37

Right, not even sure where to start so apologies if this is a bit all over the place.
I got into this relationship thinking it was just me and him. Nothing fancy, no drama, just two people giving it a go and seeing where it leads. I’m not naïve, I know everyone’s got a past, but I thought the past was… well… past.
Turns out there’s another woman.
Not an affair exactly. Apparently nothing “going on”. But she’s there. Always has been. Everyone seems to know about her except me. They talk like it’s common knowledge and I’m meant to just shrug and crack on.
When I asked him about it, he looked at me like I was being daft.
“She’s always been around.”
“It doesn’t mean anything.”
“You’re overthinking it.”
But how am I meant not to overthink when it feels like there’s three of us in this relationship and I’m the only one who didn’t get the memo?
I feel stupid, if I’m honest. Like I walked in believing one thing while everyone else knew the score. I’m expected to just accept it, smile politely, and not make a fuss — because apparently that’s what reasonable women do.
I keep thinking if I’d known from the start, I might’ve thought twice. I didn’t sign up to compete or constantly wonder where I stand. I just wanted something straightforward.
So, AIBU for feeling hurt and a bit betrayed?
Or am I genuinely being unreasonable and this is just how relationships work now?

OP posts:
JLou08 · 20/12/2025 11:42

I'm confused. Are you in a relationship with him? Has he confirmed that you are, do you have sex, how long have you been together?
Who's this other person? Friend/wife/girlfriend/fwb? Does she know about you? Did she come first?
This seems very odd if it is just that you are in a relationship and he has another relationship and he and his friends and family act like it's no big deal.

BillieWiper · 20/12/2025 11:43

So she's his friend? They're not romantically involved presumably?

Do you have close male friends? How would you want your partner to feel about those friendships?

Obviously if they're sleeping together and you want monogamy then you'll be wanting to split.

But if it's platonic you need to think how you'd want to be treated in the same situation.

ClaredeBear · 20/12/2025 11:43

This is very vague. You need to
provide more detail about why this woman could present a problem.

KabukiNoh · 20/12/2025 11:44

You need to actually explain what has happened rather than expect people to understand your purposefully rambling musings.

Pollqueen · 20/12/2025 11:47

She's a longstanding friend? Bit confusing but if so I am not sure of the problem

HeadyLamarr · 20/12/2025 11:47

So you are dating and you believed you were in an exclusive relationship.

He, on the other hand, thought nothing of the sort and was seeing two women at the same time?

YANBU to be hurt. Throw this one back, the other woman is welcome to him. I hope for your sake you always used condoms.

TheTowerAtMidnight · 20/12/2025 11:48

OK Diana. 😂

LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 20/12/2025 11:49

Sounds like you are really the other woman. Is this the dynamic you really want?
it sounds like a fairly new relationship, get out before you get in too deep

jeaux90 · 20/12/2025 11:52

I don’t understand.
Is she his friend?

Rainbowcat77 · 20/12/2025 11:56

Although I can’t pretend to fully understand the ins and outs of this it’s clear that this man, for whatever reason, doesn’t make you feel safe and special in the relationship. You deserve to feel safe and special Op so I would say move on and find somebody with less baggage.

Fluffyholeysocks · 20/12/2025 11:57

If this relationship isn"t working for you, leave.

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/12/2025 12:00

If you’re not happy with things then you just end the relationship. It’s fine to him to have a close friend, it’s fine for you to be uncomfortable with it. There’s no point twisting yourself into knots trying to make yourself happy with something you aren’t, and it’s much better to conclude that now whilst it sounds as though you’re fairly early on in a casual-ish relationship than later on. That’s what dating is for: establishing whether you’re compatible and moving forward or calling time depending on whether you are or not.

BruisedNeckMeat · 20/12/2025 15:22

Sounds like he might be in love with a female friend who doesn’t reciprocate romantic feelings but keeps him hanging on. I expect the wider group know this.

Of course that’s just a guess from the scant information!

In the bin with him.

Purplewarrior · 20/12/2025 15:53

I think OP means she assumed she was in an exclusive relationship with this person and it turns out she’s not, they have a long term relationship with someone else? Is that right OP?

I am in my sixties and don’t date, but I would have had the exclusivity chat with any new person before sleeping with them. I definitely wouldn’t just assume we were exclusive.

Purplecatshopaholic · 20/12/2025 16:02

Are they shagging? This is the question. If yes, and you are not cool with that, then dump him. If she’s a friend but you are not cool with that either, then again dump him as he is unlikely to get rid of her if she’s longstanding.

TFImBackIn · 20/12/2025 16:11

I would end it immediately, OP. He's making a fool out of both of you.

ClaredeBear · 20/12/2025 17:57

TheTowerAtMidnight · 20/12/2025 11:48

OK Diana. 😂

😂

Silverbirchleaf · 20/12/2025 17:58

In what way is she ‘there’?

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