I need some perspective- AIBU?!

[CLK125]

I have been with DH since we were young.

He’s a great dad to our kids, has a great job and works very hard to provide for us. He’s a great DH and my best friend.

The one issue I have is his drinking and this is where I need perspective as I don’t drink alcohol (stopped around 5 years ago) and don’t know if I’m being dramatic.

He doesn’t drink every night but he’s out once or twice a week (which I absolutely don’t mind, we still do lots as a family and this is his downtime) but he can’t just go out and have a couple, he is definitely a binge drinker. I have a serious fear of sick, being sick, hearing people being sick etc and he knows this. 7/10 nights he’s out I would say he comes home and is sick.

He normally makes the bathroom but he’s that drunk there’s sick from one end of the room to the other and he’s too drunk to clean it at the time and i can’t leave it until the morning 1. For hygiene and 2. For the kids waking up. So I find myself after a night of worrying about the state he’s going to come home in then spending an hour of my evening cleaning up after him.

Iv really had enough of it and it makes me sad cause we have such a nice life but this is also such a big part of it and I’m at the end of my tether with it. I’m going to speak to him tomorrow and tell him all my feelings and that I really want things to change but what’s the ultimatum if he doesn’t?! The thought of leaving seems very dramatic but I don’t know if that’s just because he minimises the situation when it happens and because I don’t drink makes it out like it’s just a part of life!

Any perspective good or bad is welcomed before I speak with him in the morning!

If he's a good husband and father then he will listen to your concerns and make the necessary changes.

If he doesn't listen, deflects, becomes angry or just doesn't care then he isn't a good husband or a good father. You are mistaken. That makes your decision about what to do next much easier.

First post nails it. I guess the ultimatum could be 'if you need a blow out once a week, so be it, but you get a hotel'. Only you know if that's a situation you could live with financially, trust wise and childcare wise, though.

But you are definitely not being unreasonable. I don't have a problem with sick, but if my other half covered the bathroom from drinking too much and didn't clean it up, even once we'd be having stern words

He’s doing this once or twice a WEEK! OP you can’t stand for that, he needs to stop it.

Getting drunk to the point you're sick twice a week is not normal adult behaviour - unless you're a student and its freshers week.

To be honest I wouldn't put up with that, even without the situation of leaving you to clean up the vomit.

If a partner left me to clean up their drunken vomit it would happen once and once only - and there would need to be big, genuine apologies for that once. A second time and they'd be out the door.

Just to add, if he loves you and values you there won't need to be an ultimatum. If he loves you and values you, hearing how much it upsets you will be enough to get him to stop.

You aren't being unreasonable. As a fellow emetophobe, I empathise completely. Regardless of that, his behaviour is disgusting and unacceptable. If he can't control the quantity he's drinking, he needs to stop altogether. You shouldn't have to be cleaning up after him and getting into that state isn't a normal part of life.

I couldn't live like this OP, it's very definitely not normal that you are having to clean up another adult's sick once or twice a week, nor that he's drinking to that degree so regularly. I know most of us tend to think alcohol is only a problem if it's an every day dependency but this kind of drinking can be equally as destructive to people's lives and relationships and I would say he definitely has a problem. AlAnon would be a good place to get advice on what you do next OP, they support the families of people with alcohol problems.
al-anonuk.org.uk/

I knew as soon as you said he is a good husband and father that he wouldn’t be.

I agree. This level, frequency and regularity of drinking means he's an alcoholic. It's a ticking bomb, this should not be minimised. It'll get worse

This!!

he's not 18, he needs to grow up. Drinking is normal, to the point of throwing up is not. Especially regularly.

cleaning up vomit is revolting. Something you have to do for young children & very unwell adults, you shouldn't have to be doing it for. An adult that drinks too much.

hes an alcoholic. You don't have to be drinking daily or far breakfast ti be an alcoholic.

why did you stop drinking?

Oh Op, youre having a tough time bless you. Replace all the husband/he/him words in your first post with wife/she/her and that was me 9 years ago. I was ruining my family and tearing my marriage apart. I saw sense, got help and sorted my life out - I have never looked back. I sincerely hope that your husband is amenable to a discussion about boundaries and help going forward so that you can get through this together. I hope he proves that he deserves you 💝

Thanks for the comments so far everyone. Just to add he’s not sick once a week as he’s not always sick when he drinks as I said in the original post but it’s definitely a once or twice a month thing which is enough in itself. He does drink to excess at least once a week though which puts me on edge every weekend!

He genuinely is a great dad and husband. The kids never see him drunk and he doesn’t really get hangovers so is up with them the next day as normal. And out with the 5/6 hours he is out on a Saturday or Sunday or sometimes both he really is a great guy and that’s why I’m so conflicted.

I will speak to him tomorrow and let him know how I feel and I’m hopeful he will listen to me and make the changes but if not I know I’m not being dramatic in offering an ultimatum to him.

@WinterWooliesBaa I stopped during Covid. I would say I was a binge drinker as well. I never actually enjoyed drinking and would only drink to get drunk. I was never sick though and always in control however when Covid hit and we couldn’t get out I decided there a then to stop as I wasn’t missing it and haven’t looked back since.

@PoorUncleBarry thank you very much for your perspective and amazing you have managed to turn your life around! I really hope he will listen to me tomorrow. Like a lot of men the drinking goes hand in hand with football and this is such a massive part of his life also that he would need to look at and change to give himself the best chance!

That sounds awful @CLK125 and you are entirely reasonable to have had enough of that behaviour and tell him so. However, I wouldn’t present it as an ultimatum. Actually what you’re doing is communicating the issues you have with his choices and the impacts those choices have on you and your marriage and simply saying your reasonable boundary - you aren’t prepared to continue to live with this and he needs to stop the overindulging on his nights out. If, to do that, he has to accept he has a problem with alcohol and needs to seek help, then you will be there to support him but you won’t continue to clean up his self-made mess; both literally and metaphorically. If he loves you, respects you and values your relationship, it should be a no brainer!

Best of luck.

First poster is quite right.

In no way is getting so drunk you are sick twice a week normal. Getting drunk twice a week as an adult with responsibilities isn't normal either.

I think he's going to need some professional support to change

I find this a bit surprising because most experienced heavy drinkers I've known don't drink to the point of throwing up - that's more an amateur thing.

He may have some actual alcohol intolerance that makes this kind of reaction more likely. Even so, he should know his limits by now and alter his behaviour accordingly.

Whatever the cause, it's not at all normal and if it's become a regular part of his life, and therefore of yours, he does need to be told it's unacceptable.

He drinks heavily and regularly vomits all over the floor leaving it for you to clean. You have a very low bar when it comes to what you think makes a good father / husband. This is not a 'nice' life and is clearly not normal. Have some self-respect and think of your children. Yes, this may sound harsh, but you need to hear it.

I’m so sorry OP.
You are married to an alcoholic.
Are you ready to leave him?

If not (and it doesn’t sound like you are), I guess your next steps are
tell him
ask him to stop
ask him to go to counselling
set a timeframe for change
leave

I don’t know much about this subject, but I understand that it is unlikely he can change, especially in the timeframe you can cope with. This must all be incredibly difficult.

Once I could get over, but cleaning up after someone got drunk deliberately would never happen.

Can you film him when he is drunk? With or without vomit.

Sharon Osborne filmed Ozzy at one of his kid's birthday party. He thought he was having fun entertaining children when he was terrifying them.

Pleased to say after speaking to him he’s put his hands up and 100% accepts it’s not acceptable. He completely sees my point of view and if roles were reversed he knows he wouldn’t put up with it.

He’s promised things are going to change from here and couldn’t be more apologetic so I suppose time will tell!

Oh that's a brilliant start.

it might not change as smoothly as all that, but it's 199% better start than him not seeing your point of view & arguing that its all ok!

let's us know how it goes!! When is his next 'night out'??

Too late to EDIT my previous post 🥹 but obviously I meant to say 'let us know' not the phone version of that 🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

I had also meant to say, good for you giving it up during Covid! X

"He’s a great dad to our kids, has a great job and works very hard to provide for us. He’s a great DH and my best friend."

Well, he's not is he, given the rest of your post. You are (and I do mean this gently) deluding yourself.

@singthing both things can be true. I am absolutely not deluded and very aware his behaviour towards alcohol can’t keep going on the way it is , he is very aware of this as well.

When I think of a life without him in it every day it makes me genuinely sad. He has been with me at the best and worst of times and the only person in the world who I feel truly 100% myself with hence the internal battle with myself over what happens if he can’t change his relationship with alcohol.

The kids have never seen him drunk, he’s at every swimming, football lesson, at every school activity. He’s patient and kind with them, does all their homework with them and is our biggest support.

@WinterWooliesBaa he has been out today to watch the football for a few hours but has taken the car and didn’t drink at all. I’m under no illusion it will be as easy as this for him going forward but I’m just happy he’s listened to me and taking the right steps!