To feel incredibly hurt.

[Nodramalama85]

i have chosen not to have a relationship without father's partner after almost 20 years of awful behaviour. The last incident happened when went to stay in the summer, we had arranged to stay for a week but left after 2 days. She was verbally abusive to my son, and then threw things at me when I intervened.
Close family friends and my eldest son have also told me she is physically and verbally abusive to my father.

I have always been close to my father, sadly our relationship is very strained. I feel very uncomfortable conversing with him when she's home on the phone, the conversation is very stilted and always ends abruptly. He recently had a hip replacement. His partner sent me updates on my fathers mobile. I just find that very uncomfortable. I don't have anything to hide, I just worry that he has no privacy and that she has access to all of his communications. My father was already keeping me updated when he was able, her updates felt unnecessary.

I've sent him some books for Christmas, one from an author I know he enjoys and another new celebrated author in the same genre. He's asked if he can send them back and said this year he won't be getting us gifts and feels we aren't in each others lives enough to know what each other wants.

I know it seems absurd to be upset by this but it feels like another rejection and I don't really know what to do. I haven't seen him for 6 months. Before the summer I'd been studying and hadn't seen him for anything other than a meal at Christmas in a year. I'm just saddened by the decline in our relationship and I'd love to protect him but he won't ever leave her. I just feel so sad for my son not having a relationship with my father and sad for my self. I miss him. I feel so incredibly hurt and I don't know what to do with it. Am I being unreasonable?

What an awful situation. It sounds as though your father is being tightly controlled and is vulnerable. I think if it were me, I'd consider gritting my teeth and putting a face on with his wife, just to give you enough access to keep an eye on him and so he has a means to tell you he needs help. I think I'd be inclined to message her and say you're upset about the estrangement (he isn't going to be allowed to respond to you unless she's onside) and take it from there.

Are you sure he sent the message not her?

I'd message back and say that I still want to give him a present, which I'm sure he'd love, but don't expect one back.

If you want to be more persistent, add that as he doesn't feel he's seeing you enough then you're coming for a week a Christmas, a week at Easter, and a fortnight in the summer, plus random weekends (inc Fathers' day) through the year as you hate the thought that he is feeling distant from you.
You may find that she he suddenly realises he does know you pretty well.

Go and see him OP or at least phone him. You can't tell who is sending these messages.

Yes I'm sure. I can tell from the use of Language, nicknames used etc. He's quite a distinctive texter.

I would go and stay. He lives in Dartmouth. I'm a single parent and I don't drive. It's just not viable for me to go and stay or visit for the day. It's incredibly frustrating. I do feel that they moved there partially so we'd have to stay with them and she'd have complete control. We can't even get there by train.

Write a letter and don't hold back. Yes, she will probably find and read it, but so what... it's the truth.

I agree with saying there's no need to send the books back and that you don't expect a present.
If you can't go can you do video calls?
Do you have siblings?

I have done this for 20 years. She's just being increasingly abusive towards me and my children. She's hit my children and thrown things at us. She's very volitile and has us all walking on eggshells.

I think he is being tightly controlled and abused. We've tolerated her behaviour for years. I just worry about the impact and message I'm sending my children if I constant expose them to her behaviour and there's no accountability. I do wonder if it's gotten so bad because we are all too scared to hold her accountable.

Then hold her accountable for her abuse !

If she hits anyone or throws things at them, then call the police !

It's only because everyone is letting her get away with her abusive behaviour that it continues. Someone has to say 'enough' and report her violence and abuse!

There's absolutely no point in abandoning your only family member without showing him that he CAN get out of this abusive relationship if he follows your lead and reports her every, single, time.

If I thought that would help I would. He won't leave, all reporting her would do is alienate him further and potentially lead to him being abused more or blamed for my reporting.

I have considered reporting her on multiple occasions and decided against it for the aforementioned reasons. He'd cut contact with us all, it would not encourage him to take action. He does not want to leave her. He knows what she's doing, he loves her and wants to be with her. I'm not trying to help him to leave (if he wanted to and I could I would). I'm trying to deal with my own feelings in response to this difficult situation.

For clarity. He has capacity, whilst he is a vulnerable adult and this would fall under safeguarding he would not engage and they would close the case.

I do have a brother. He doesn't go down there for the same reasons. It's uncomfortable and feels unsafe. We never know when or what will make her angry, we have to stay with them. Dartmouth is expensive and he's not on a high wage. He can drive there but his mental health is not good and he can't cope with being there.

I do FaceTime him from time to time but it's not easy or comfortable. He doesn't really say much and I know he feels uncomfortable if she's there. I do too. I do text him regularly and try to call him.