Solo parenting is so unrelenting and rough! Any tips for 1st Christmas?

[PenelopePoopStop]

i would love some tips for how solo parents are making Christmas and life in general work. It’s my first one without my beloved DH and it’s a lot of logistics and loneliness! I don’t have much in the way of support from friends and family - it’s pretty much just my dad. So if it needs doing, it’s me doing it. My children are 7 & 10, the eldest helps but I don’t want to burden him with domestic BS as he’s lost enough.

any advice gratefully received!

Bless you OP, sounds like it's all very recent. No advice really but take it easy, don't look for perfection and step away from social media that only shows the best side of things. You're probably doing brilliantly.

This is all very fresh for all of you. I think the key is to acknowledge that actually, Christmas this year won't be the same. It's fine to choose your favourite meals and get it as a takeaway on Xmas eve to heat up on Xmas day rather than doing a full roast for instance, meaning you can focus on putting batteries in toys and playing with the kids. Have a rough outline of the routine for the day e.g. up, presents, play, lunch, to the park...but if it starts to go to shit then mix it up and eat your weight in chocolate in the morning then go for a run on the beach and have a later dinner. X

Sympathies, OP. The trick for me (solo parent with v limited family support) is to priortise and simplify things to preserve my energy. That energy goes on delivering the things that I know I and my family will really value.

Also, Christmas is just as much about rest and recuperation mid-Winter so look after your own needs too...heated blanket, chocs, good book etc.

I have no useful experience or advice, I’m sorry. However, can you pick one thing just for you to look forward to? Something that is not directly related to the children. Whether that’s a meal, a film or an activity. You absolutely deserve to have something fun at Christmas too.

@FilmCater thank you, I have got myself some little gifts and my son has taken it upon himself to buy me some stuff from Amazon on his dad’s account and paid with my card, so it will be a surprise. He’s very excited about what he’s chosen ❤️
@Rubyred3 I’m sorry you’re in this club too, it’s…a lot. That’s very helpful advice, energy placement wisely! I’m getting better at this! I hope you have a restful and enjoyable Christmas 🎄
@Sillysoggyspaniel that’s great advice, thank you! I’ve got a puppy (well 42kg of 9 month old) so he will be a big factor in keeping the Christmas spirit alive, I’m looking forward to a Christmas walkies. I hopefully have a significant amount of toblerone heading my way, I’m planning to disappear as much as possible, chocolate is helping! We’re going to my dads for lunch so I’m off the hook at least as far as cooking is concerned!
@CadburysIsntChocolate thank you for being so kind. I think I’m the circumstances I actually am doing really well, probably overcompensating in gifts but better that than leaving any gaps and I’ll be more restrained next year (I say that every year!). I have fucked off all social media, complete families are beautiful but they are not something I can bare to see right now.

thank you all for replying ❤️

I’m so sorry op. I clearly remember this as a child. The first one was the hardest. But we found a new normal. It takes time. Very important to also spend time remembering your dh on the day. Don’t feel guilty about overcompensating with gifts, do what you must to keep the kids busy and happy.

I lost my DH when my kids were 4 and 6. It’s tough. That first Christmas (he passed away in October) was very hard indeed, and I felt I was just going through the motions a lot of the time. But we got through it and it’s been ok since then and I did get my Christmas joy back the following year.
No tricks or tips. Just try and do stuff you would have done if your partner was around, and don’t aim for perfection - the kids won’t notice!

Sympathies to you op. Not quite the same circumstances, but I have done solo parenting. I probably over compensated for presents the first year too. My dc are now grown and the things they remember most are not the food (or the washing up!) but the simple activities we did together. Pottery painting was great for making gifts for family /friends. On Christmas Day we do some art or play a game before lunch (which isn’t at a set time, just when it’s ready) and always a cuddle on the sofa with chocolates and a movie. My ex-in-laws are millionaires and my two prefer our simple loving Christmas’s to the ones they spent where no expense was spared.

My DF died when I was very young and looking back, it must have been incredibly hard for my DM. But looking back, Christmas was magical because of the things she actively involved me in. We hung up tinsel together, shined the red apples together, searched for the best carrot for Rudolph etc. Small things that weirdly made me feel so much more festive than any huge display.

My grandad used to come round to stay on Christmas Eve (he was also widowed) and having him there always felt very special. I found out years later that it was him who always ate the mince pie and drank the sherry! So do involve your dad if you can, even in small ways, it all contributes to the bigger picture.

I look back on those days and acknowledge how incredibly hard it must have been for her sometimes, but I also have a huge fondness and nostalgia for my childhood Christmases.

I lost mine when they were a baby and toddler The first Xmas was horrible. I’d advise u not to write Xmas cards as I found omitting his name very painful. Putting the tree up was painful but in a way because I did write the cards it helped me go through the process , experience the pain and the next year was easier because of it. I would lower ur expectations as it just won’t be the same and have a more relaxed Xmas , duty and routine , and even traditions wise. Take the pressure off, just watch a few things on TV. The magic does come back but it probably won’t be this Xmas I’m sorry x

I feel for you and your children.

My 1st DH died by his own hand on Xmas Day 1994. I was pregnant with my son at the time and determined that Christmas would not be spoiled for him by it being the anniversary of his father's death. We would go to visit DH's grave about a week before Christmas to put some flowers on it then we would go somewhere that he wanted to go to. Actually, we still do this, though these days it costs me more than a Happy Meal(!)

Over the years we have done several things - we've stayed with my parents, my PIL & had Christmas in our own house - either with one or other set of DS's grandparents, but some years just the two of us. That was until I re-married when DS was about 13 years old. I didn't even think about dating until DS started secondary school and ended up marrying someone who I'd known for years and had been a friend of the family and very familiar to DS as a friend who used to take him to rugby, football etc.

Not Christmas - related, but I made a 'daddy box' for DS with photographs and little mementos (the heather that DS wore in his button-hole when we got married & I'd dried, DH's school reports-that kind of thing) . Every year we would write him a Christmas card and put it in the box. But I needed to make his daddy 'real' to DS as he never knew him. DS treasures this box-though the original shoe box has long-since fallen apart and several years ago I bought him something bigger & stronger. However possibly you could do similar with your children & they can decide what to put in their boxes? It can help to prompt questions, discussions & allows children to express their feelings & their grief.

So, I would say do Christmas your own way - ask the children what they would like. They may want a full turkey dinner with all the trimmings or they may prefer to have fish fingers & chips. Encourage them to make Christmas there's in the way that they would want to celebrate. Obviously you will need to have suggestions of your own. I would also suggest that you are flexible as it's going to be tough on you all this year.

Good luck and I will be thinking about you this Christmas.

It must be very raw at the moment, you will never stop missing him, but the pain becomes easier to bear. 😘