Hey so,
I’ve been thinking about dating preferences and deal breakers after seeing a post here and I’d love to hear what other people think. I’m married and have been for a long time so it’s just out of curiosity.
We all have things we look for (or avoid) when it comes to relationships, some are pretty common like age, background, lifestyle factors and others can be more niche like whether someone has been to prison, is a dog or a cat person, etc
So, a few questions:
• What are your personal dating preferences or absolute deal breakers?
• Why do you think you have them?
• Do you think all preferences are fair game, or are some crossing a line?
Quick disclaimer: This can be a sensitive topic, so please keep it friendly. Don’t let it get weird and prejudice.
Obviously I’ll go first! I tend to prefer soft men, those who aren’t into stereotypically ‘manly’ activities and who have a nurturing, kind, and gentle personality. Being a feminist is non negotiable for me, and I also value someone who’s up to date with current issues.
My dealbreakers include: being right wing, having a criminal record, gym membership, traditional values, strong religious beliefs, immaturity, and being a pub goer/drinker. I find loud muscly men who are into physical pursuits deeply unattractive- both physically and, usually, the personality that comes with that lifestyle. I know that’s a huge generalisation, and I’ve met some lovely men that are into football and going out with the lads, but I wouldn’t be in a relationship with one.
On the flip side, I’m drawn to academics, socially conscious people, and introverts. The most important thing for me is being clever and passionate about something, be it their career, field of study, or hobby. Being outdoorsy is nice but not necessary (my DH is very much an indoor person).
Physically, I find that ginger/fair men, men from Arab and South Asian backgrounds, tall skinny men (or short and skinny men), and men with longer/curly hair are the most attractive to me. That said, I haven’t dated in a long time, so I’m not sure how much that would actually influence who I’d choose, physical appearance is the least important factor for me. I also like glasses wearers and men that dress up, especially for work.
As for why, I grew up around a lot of toxic masculinity and unsafe men. My mum had a preference for ‘bad boys’ (criminals and abusers), and I learned from her mistakes and developed opposite preferences. I’m also bisexual, so the people I’m attracted to tend to have qualities that are considered ‘feminine,’ regardless of gender/sex.
I think most dating preferences are harmless, but being too rigid can cross into fetishisation or narrow mindedness. Saying “X group of people is generally more attractive to me” is very different from saying “I would never date anyone who isn’t X” or “I will only date people from X.”
When talking about things that aren’t protected characteristics like race or disability, I think it’s fine to discriminate as you please. I certainly have/had a very specific criteria but it doesn’t exclude any group of people as a whole.
If you made it this far please feel free to vote IABU because I didn’t know where to post this random thread!