To be really upset that DD has been accessing Youtube?

[Squealer2]

I’m so annoyed at myself right now.

DD started secondary school in September and has been using my laptop to do her homework. We have a total ban on YouTube, unless supervised. DD has always been trustworthy and I hadn’t got round to setting up parental controls. Turns out DD has been watching a million reels on my laptop, despite knowing she isn’t allowed to. There is all manner of stuff on there, and by reading through the titles, I’m concerned about the content of these reels. I don’t have a YouTube account, so she hasn’t watched anything that requires you to have your age verified, but I’m so upset with myself and with DD.

I genuinely thought she was just doing her homework. I feel like the worst mum for allowing her to access these 😢 and don’t know what is a suitable consequence for DD.

please help.

This one’s on you, not her. Set up the controls.

Ok,she shouldn't have broken the rules. But I don't think a YouTube ban is reasonable for secondary school children. Put some parental controls on rather than forbidding her completely.

The entirety of YT? Why?

Instead of banning use parental controls.

My son is teaching himself animation through YouTube. It's not all bad.

This.

What’s the problem with You Tube? What was she watching? My daughters school give out links to you tube for homework and revision.

You want to punish your 11 year old for watching shorts on youtube? do you want any kind of relationship with her when she's an adult?

DD hasn’t had an interest in using YouTube really, so the ban is not really a big deal. she has YouTube kids on the tv; which she can access any time. She just doesn’t tend to. However, ahe would know to ask me if she wanted to watch something on the adult (full) YouTube app. That’s just been a rule with the TV. She has been using my laptop for her homework (a maths website). I didnt really think anything of it, as DD has never really broken my trust before. She would know not to use YouTube on there, but she has done it against my wishes.

I wrote my op in the heat of the moment, and didn’t explain things well. I don’t mind YouTube. My youngest uses it for craft tutorials. It’s more just that they can’t access the full app without asking, due to the risk of accessing inappropriate content.

What sort of videos is it you do not approve of ?

Surely a discussion on what type of vids are ok or not ok would be better than a blanket ban ?

There is a lot of good educational stuff online. I was thinking of this just the other day, that when I was a kid and we only had the 3 or 4 channels, we used to watch the history stuff that was on the telly because there might not have been anything else.

But nowadays, with all the TV channels available, I was wondering if that maybe contributes to so many people not knowing history so well ?

And a lot of that content from back in the day is now online. So maybe a watch list would actually be good.

Again, there is no problem with accessing YouTube for this sort of stuff. I just don’t want the kids on the full version, when I know one click leads to another and they can be so close to dangerous content.

Do you wonder why she broke the rules?

Well it's not that surprising that she would use the opportunity to access something she's banned from but that all her friends probably use. You won't be able to prevent her from going on YouTube, if it's not in your house it will be somewhere else and you won't even know about it. It's better to make sure you have conversations about content etc. and keep lines of communication open.

Discuss it with her calmly and explain your reservations with YT. Maybe check if there are materials or courses out there to teach kids how to use the Internet safely. But don't get too cross and ban everything entirely, because your DC will realistically be able to access everything outside the home. Unfortunately this is the reality now, so education on what's safe and what's not is best.

Sorry this is entirely on you. You gave her access to the laptop and did nothing to put parental controls on it. That is entirely on you. Should she have asked? probably but she is a child and they don’t always do as you want. You can’t blame all of this on her

For all of saying YT is great, sit and watch what your children are watching. It may say "suitable for 6-9yo, etc. (my granddaughter is 10), but YT has no real regulation on content. When watching a popular kids site that someone warned me about, the YTuber has ALL her content available so, of course, my granddaughter just kept on watching. I've banned it for now unless I'm in the room with her and can see/hear it. She will need to earn your trust again. I may not be using the correct terms, but I've set my granddaughter up with a "guest account" with parental controls. I still look through it and she's been on good behavior after losing tablet time. You'd think her life was over, but she's surviving.

Does she know you know?

I'd go for a vibe of "DD I just saw you've been using YouTube loads on my laptop and I think perhaps I haven't explained well enough what the risks are why I don't want you doing that without checking first (then explain about horrible content that you can't unsee). In this case it's my bad as I hadn't put parental controls on and these things are designed to be super tempting/addictive. But right now I love that I can trust you to stay off things without permission, and it's really important that we keep it like that as its only going to get harder. I'll let this go, because it's on me too, but I need you to talk to me about it next time".

Basically give her this chance to get it wrong and do better next time so she doesnt take home the message that she'll need to sneak around next time. Or that your trust is broken as thats a killer. She doesn't realise the risks in the way you do, it probably feels like just watching a bit of TV.

I get where you are coming from, but nobody knows what you consider dangerous.

Loads of evangelicals say evolution is bad. An atheist based parent might say an evangelical channel is bad.

Yep.

100% user error.

Take this as your early warning it could have been MUCH worse.

Do the research/Educate yourself (theres a lot to cover my dh works in cyber security) Get on top of it properly (as in cover everything) now..

@Trallers your post is much more succinct than mine. This is what I've done and it's been a game changer.

Far better to have sensible open conversations with your child than impose blanket bans

My daughter's friend is banned from the internet at home so spends as much time as possible at friends houses and all she wants to do is go on their phones /devices. My daughter has one but barely uses it and we have lots of chats about internet security, staying safe online etc and she tells me if she finds anything odd. We check her devices regularly and can monitor her searches and control what apps she has.

Blanket ban on the internet is the parenting equivalent of locking her in her bedroom as soon as school is over

We have to gradually let go of the apron strings in a managed way.

Is it possible she assumed that it would be restricted like the TV, rather than doing it maliciously behind your back? Like you say, she wouldn't have been able to access anything age restricted, so she may not have realized.

Either way, she's in secondary school, she's going to be online unrestricted soon if she isn't already. Banning it outright is only going to make most children more curious, more likely to do it somewhere you can't supervise it and less like to come to you if they do see something that upsets or confuses them, as they think they'll get in trouble.

My daughter's friend is banned from the internet at home so spends as much time as possible at friends houses and all she wants to do is go on their phones /devices.

Extreme example, but a kid in my little brother's class grew up being banned from all 'violent' media.

Trouble was, his parents classed Tom & Jerry cartoons as violent media. He came to ours in the holidays once and my brother had him playing Grand Theft Auto and all sorts, I thought he was going to explode. Ended up being a very troubled young man and estranged from his parents.

She's 11/12, breaking rules is actually age appropriate and part of normal teenage biological development.
Bring it to to her, that you noticed she was using it, you would have preferred she had asked you first, but this is how we will move forward with access in the future. Don't try to control it too much because the more you will do this the more secretive she will become with more pushbacks. You can't stop this, so move forward in a positive way which in this case will mean you have to give up majority of your control.

In the nicest way, you’re flapping. It won’t do her any good to see you scared of the world and trying to control everything so try to unclench a little. She’s getting older now and deserves to have reasonable discussions with her mother rather than you outright banning things because you don’t understand them. As you’ve now found, older children don’t respect that.