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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother stole my card

17 replies

biggreenbug · 18/12/2025 23:43

I’m new here and idk what I want but somewhere to put this which isn’t social services voicemail .

My brother is 16 , there’s 18 years between us and I have been nc with my mum for years and was mostly raised by my dad . I also live in a different area so we didn’t really have a relationship when he was growing up .

When he was 10 he was taken into care due to neglect , he had a few foster carers but summer 2023 , just before he turned 14 , he came here as his latest placement broke down and social services really pushed the family side of things . I felt I had to agree because I didn’t want him to be in the system until he turned 18 . I didnt take him because i felt ready . i took him because there was literally no one else .

He started a new school in this area which he was resentful of but we did build a relationship . He’s mixed race and has curly hair and the entire time he was with my mum and even in SS care no one took him to a specialist barber which I did and it was £££ .

I don’t want this to be too long but after a while problems occurred , school refusal etc and because his birthday is at the end of August he repeated year 10 last year and is now in y11 .

Except he still refuses school , our relationship is volatile , he’s rude . He swears at me , ignores me . He sleeps most of the day , games constantly and has peed in bottles before because of the gaming . He eats late at night and leaves a mess , refuses to shower . Smokes weed occasionally which he denies but I smell it on him . He drinks when he gets access to it either by stealing or asking older people to buy it for him , again he denies this .

Social services are useless , they’re still technically involved but barely , he isn’t on any plan anymore but the social worker changes constantly and always goes to voicemail . They don’t have any practical support and they miss appointments .

School is a bit better , they offered a mentor which he declined and a “flexible timetable” which just meant he was hardly there and more time on his own it feels like they think I’m allowing him to just stay home .

There was a cahms referral but he’s already said he’s not going to talk to some random about his life .

He refused school again today point blank , he just refused to get out of bed , I said I won’t pay for his haircut then and he called me a bitch , he doesn’t seem anxious or upset about school so I don’t think it’s that . He just doesn’t want to go . Anyway , I called school and they marked it unauthorised and said I need to try and get him in , I can’t force him out of bed ??

I then got home from work and went to bed as I don’t feel well , I got woken up to the door as he’d stolen my card to order deliveroo , he’s also bought things for fortnite . I’m furious but I don’t have the energy to argue with him .

Also earlier today I found his twitter (x) account , it’s got his first name and he tweets rather sexual things about anime characters and fictional men . It’s quite explicit and it’s public . He does have a private account linked but I obviously don’t know what he tweets there .

I did suspect he could be gay but I don’t know how to bring this up to him as he hasn’t come out to me yet . It’s definitely him it was in the “people you may know” and his name is quite uncommon and the profile just fits . I’m now worried about what he looks at online .

I know most of his friends are through gaming and discord etc and last week he went to a concert in London (without telling me) and met friends from online there . I’m aware he’s 16 , I’m at a loss .

Apologies this is so long . If I have missed anything please just ask , hopefully this makes sense as I’m exhausted and unwell .

OP posts:
Original poster
biggreenbug · 18/12/2025 23:45

Also should probably add that I've tried being nice to him , shouting . Asking if he wants a hug for example but nothing works . i just don’t know what to do anymore

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 18/12/2025 23:54

Unpopular opinion(?)

  • I wouldn't report him for the card theft, i'd just cancel my cards and write it off.
  • i'd take a big step back and totally reduce contact. You cant fix what he's got. At most I'd see him a few times a year for a cheap lunch somewhere and i'd pick up the bill to save on hassle.
  • He has to want his life to be different and do the work himself. Until he does he'll continue to be an energy vacuums who takes no perosnal responsibility. People like this will take and take and the world is not enough.*

*I had major health issues this year which have really focused me on what i want in my life. i just dont have any time/ interest in people who bring nothing to the table but expect to eat at it.

SunMoonandChocolate · 19/12/2025 00:03

Assuming that you pay for his phone, and internet, it might be worth telling him that no school equals no phone, and no internet, and MEAN it! Don't just threaten, stop paying. Take the router to work with you, take it to bed with you, and turn it off so that he can't sit gaming with his mates all night.

Youngsters these days live for their phones, and their online gaming, so if he can't do that, with any luck it just might decrease his desire to stay home. Make life uncomfortable for him if he won't toe the line.

ProfessorBinturong · 19/12/2025 00:45

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 18/12/2025 23:54

Unpopular opinion(?)

  • I wouldn't report him for the card theft, i'd just cancel my cards and write it off.
  • i'd take a big step back and totally reduce contact. You cant fix what he's got. At most I'd see him a few times a year for a cheap lunch somewhere and i'd pick up the bill to save on hassle.
  • He has to want his life to be different and do the work himself. Until he does he'll continue to be an energy vacuums who takes no perosnal responsibility. People like this will take and take and the world is not enough.*

*I had major health issues this year which have really focused me on what i want in my life. i just dont have any time/ interest in people who bring nothing to the table but expect to eat at it.

Edited

Re your second point, have you understood he's a minor and is living there? She's essentially his foster carer as well as his sister. Reducing contact isn't that simple - he'd need to go back into the care system.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 19/12/2025 01:11

ProfessorBinturong · 19/12/2025 00:45

Re your second point, have you understood he's a minor and is living there? She's essentially his foster carer as well as his sister. Reducing contact isn't that simple - he'd need to go back into the care system.

Show quote history

She can't fix what he's got.

She gave him an amazing opportunity by taking him on...hes stealing from her leaving piss in bottles, doing drugs and making her life hell....
So she sticks with it and continues in this living nightmare with things probably escalating until he is 18 or beyond ...
To what end?

What is that going to do other than invite more misery into her life...?

she isnt responsible for him, despite social services somehow making her think she is and talking her into taking him on despite her not being ready or prepared for it

Professional foster carers and social workers cannot address his behavioural issues... how is OP going to magically convert him into a functioning member of society? Love and kindness doesnt fix everything.

She already did the "right" and "kind" thing. It's been shat on set alight and thrown back in her face.
Sometimes people just need to be told its okay to stop setting themselves on fire to keep someone else warm....

RosieSpring · 19/12/2025 01:15

ProfessorBinturong · 19/12/2025 00:45

Re your second point, have you understood he's a minor and is living there? She's essentially his foster carer as well as his sister. Reducing contact isn't that simple - he'd need to go back into the care system.

Show quote history

That post seems like chat gpt.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/12/2025 01:41

You’ve taken on the hardest thing in the world, with very little support. Parenting a kid that isn’t yours, a teenager, who was in the care system. He has trauma, no pro-social coping skills and no will to change.

There are essentially two choices. Back to care or:

You take every parenting class, read every book, join every group, family counselling (just you to start), boundaries, loving limits, lots of empathy with edges. It is extremely hard and demanding. And will take years, and all your effort.

You can turn around challenging kids. But sometimes you do whatever you can and they just go through the fire. I’m so sorry, you are really trying.

NewUserName2244 · 19/12/2025 06:24

I think that you need some really good, solid professional support for him. Go back to social services, tell them that the placement is in danger of breaking down, and explain what you need. Ask for a manager if his social worker is unhelpful.

Try and see if you can get him involved in any sort of male-dominated sport. Boxing, martial arts, basketball etc. Or if not, something outdoors - scouting, cadets etc. He needs some male role models and some positive discipline.

Take him to all of the cahms appointments.
If he says that he doesn’t want to talk to a stranger about his life tell him that’s fine, you can tell the therapist that. But going is non negotiable - therapists can usually encourage them to talk once they’re there and have built a rapport.

I agree with pp. No Wi-Fi or phone during the school day if he’s home. But, I would also try and talk to school in more depth about the absence. Often kids school refuse because they’re out of their depth with the work. So I’d ask school whether they think he could have Sen needs and see if they can help by putting some sort of tutoring in.

Original poster
biggreenbug · 19/12/2025 09:56

Social Services are unhelpful and I leave voicemails and it's very rare that they get back to me . I haven't even bothered with trying to force him today as it's the last day before Christmas and I just don't want that fight , it'd probably wrong but I just don't have the energy to argue with him

OP posts:
SunMoonandChocolate · 19/12/2025 10:24

NewUserName2244 · 19/12/2025 06:24

I think that you need some really good, solid professional support for him. Go back to social services, tell them that the placement is in danger of breaking down, and explain what you need. Ask for a manager if his social worker is unhelpful.

Try and see if you can get him involved in any sort of male-dominated sport. Boxing, martial arts, basketball etc. Or if not, something outdoors - scouting, cadets etc. He needs some male role models and some positive discipline.

Take him to all of the cahms appointments.
If he says that he doesn’t want to talk to a stranger about his life tell him that’s fine, you can tell the therapist that. But going is non negotiable - therapists can usually encourage them to talk once they’re there and have built a rapport.

I agree with pp. No Wi-Fi or phone during the school day if he’s home. But, I would also try and talk to school in more depth about the absence. Often kids school refuse because they’re out of their depth with the work. So I’d ask school whether they think he could have Sen needs and see if they can help by putting some sort of tutoring in.

Your thoughts are all logical 'NewUserName2244' but have you ever tried forcing a teenager out of bed, or physically making them do anything they don't want to do? I have, and it's just not possible. The OP's brother is likely the size of a grown man at this age, and will likely be much stronger than the OP, so while your ideas are great, if he's adamant he's not going to do something, you simply can't make them at this age.

Original poster
biggreenbug · 19/12/2025 11:15

The camhs referral only went in a few months ago due to me being told a while ago it had been done but it hasn't , so i’m worried he’ll end up aging out before he’s even seen

The school have said hes capable but he gets himself into trouble by walking out of lessons and being rude and sarcastic to his teachers

In the mornings he just says hes tired , he was actually going when he had his flexible timetable as he didn’t start until 1 to start with then they worked it up again and it’s back to square one

OP posts:
Spanador · 19/12/2025 11:20

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 18/12/2025 23:54

Unpopular opinion(?)

  • I wouldn't report him for the card theft, i'd just cancel my cards and write it off.
  • i'd take a big step back and totally reduce contact. You cant fix what he's got. At most I'd see him a few times a year for a cheap lunch somewhere and i'd pick up the bill to save on hassle.
  • He has to want his life to be different and do the work himself. Until he does he'll continue to be an energy vacuums who takes no perosnal responsibility. People like this will take and take and the world is not enough.*

*I had major health issues this year which have really focused me on what i want in my life. i just dont have any time/ interest in people who bring nothing to the table but expect to eat at it.

Edited

How do you reduce contact and see someone a few times a year for lunch when they live with you!?

PInkyStarfish · 19/12/2025 11:27

He’s a very damaged boy and sadly you don’t have the training to cope with someone so deeply affected by past trauma.

You are at risk of violence from him or from associates he makes through buying drugs.

It may be better if he is in care as they may put him on the path of seeing professionals who understand this kind of behaviour.

isthesolution · 19/12/2025 11:31

Oh this is awful; I’m so sorry for you and for him.

I think at this point it needs a serious chat. You go to school, you respect the house and me or I will initially remove your privileges (phone/computer/money). And if the behaviour continues I will have to put you back into the care system because it’s affecting my mental health.

If he continues then you contact social services. Do not take no for an answer - he needs at least respite care somewhere else!

lifetheuniverseandeverything42 · 19/12/2025 12:01

Have a look at a guy called Al Coates. He’s really interesting and he fostered and adopted troubled kids with ASD / violent behaviour etc. he became a social working in the end.

Seelybe · 19/12/2025 12:03

@biggreenbug you have done a very selfless thing giving your brother this opportunity.
He's damaged for sure, but I think the fact that he's your brother is a big part of the problem. He will be more than aware than non kinship Foster carers will simply end the placement if his behaviour is unacceptable but that won't happen with his sister.
In your shoes I'd turn up at social services and tell them in person (doesn't have to be your social worker) that you are ending the placement. You are unwell and can't cope any more. If they then offer a temporary placement as respite you can take that and insist on mediated conversations with your brother before any consideration of him coming back.
Unless he sees direct consequence of his actions he won't change. His trauma isn't justification for ruining your life. Good luck with it all.

Poppasocks · 19/12/2025 13:44

Sorry if I missed it... is he under an Special guardianship order? And are you in England. If so look into the ASGSF. It's been cut recently but still £3,000 towards therapy

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