Is DH an alcoholic?

[vespersjack]

I worry I’m being dramatic but would value some insight from anyone with experience in this area.

Will try to be succinct. DH and I have been together since our early twenties (over 15 years). DH was life and soul of the party, drank to excess and got himself into a mess frequently. It was the main issue in our relationship but the worst incidents began to happen far less frequently. I also drink but it’s never been an ‘issue’ for me.

I had enough last year when therr were a couple of alcohol (and drugs) related health scares for him. I made him go to AA and he quit the lot.

Over the last 18 months DH has begun to socially drink again, I wasn’t happy at first but he has done it gradually and hasn’t gotten drunk during this time.

Red flags -
He has started drinking a couple of beers after work, BUT if I bring wine into the house it will vanish within 24 hours, before I’ve had chance to have a glass. His glass sizes are the size of goblets so will say ‘I had a glass the other night, sorry if there isn’t any left’.

When he socialises he drinks as much as he wants again, but so far hasn’t seemed ‘drunk’ so I feel like I can’t say much.

I’ve been finding secret vapes stashed in his belongings, which he claims are ‘old’. Last year I saw him smoking one in a car park when I went into a shop.

I have a bad feeling again - am I overthinking it?

Forgot to add that although DH went to AA he never considered himself an alcoholic. He did it to appease me I think.

Sounds like he can't be trusted around alcohol and has an unhealthy relationship with drinking. It appears he understands his drinking impacts his marriage and yet he is still choosing to drink. So without even discussing quantities he consumes I think you know he is an alcoholic.

He had a problem with drink that he has never accepted. He may have stopped for a while but that’s all.
If he is drinking to excess or using it as a coping mechanism. Can’t stop or do without it then it’s a problem.

Sounds like it

Doesn’t seem so to me but I’m perplexed that you made him go to AA - that’s never goi g to work. It has (if warranted and wanted) to be an individual’s decision. Are there other issues in the relationship OP? His behaviour as such wouldn’t cause that many red flags to me but I wonder if you are hyper vigilant and something else is going on under the surface?

As a matter of interest, how many units do you drink per week, versus how many he's drinking?

If he stopped drinking altogether, but you continued to drink in front of him, it's no real surprise that he's going back to old habits.

However, if the amount he's drinking is worrying you, then you need to sit down and talk to him, preferably BEFORE Christmas, as that tends to be when even an occasional drinker can go OTT, so if he's already drinking more than you're comfortable with, get it out in the open, and decide together what you need to do over the Christmas break, ie., maybe limit the amount of booze in the house, so that neither of you go mad, as from my own experience, when one isn't happy with the amount the other is drinking, it often ends in a row which could spoil not only Christmas, but the New Year too.

I’m an occasional drinker, on average a Glass of wine once per week? If I bring any alcohol home it’s a rare treat. I could happily give it up.

In that case, I think that you need to sit down and talk to him, tell him that he's slipped back into his old habits with booze, and you're worried that he's either on his way to being, or is already, an alcoholic. He'll deny it, and will say that he doesn't drink any more than anyone else, and he's not been drunk etc., but only you know what you're prepared to accept OP, and if you feel things are heading in the wrong direction, and that it could end up ruining your marriage, tell him so, and make it clear to him that he needs to do something about it NOW, because you don't want to lose him, but you WON'T live with a man who is an alcoholic, and be sure he knows that you mean it, if that's the way you feel!

He’s been an alcoholic throughout. He just has never accepted it. He has learned to moderate and conceal it but he is clearly a problematic drinker.

I’m sorry to be blunt but there’s not much you can do about it. He’s the only person who can change it and even if he wants to, there’s no guarantee he can.

The question is whether you can tolerate it. Do you have children?

in AA parlance he never ‘did the work’ OP. I don’t think you need to do AA to get sober but I think the one thing everyone has to do is admit they have a problem. That problem might not be “I am an alcoholic” but it could be “alcohol is making my life unmanageable and it’s harming my relationships”. He needs to believe he has a problem to change it. You can’t force this on him I’m afraid.

it sounds like he either doesn’t believe he has a problem or he’s too addicted ti change his behaviour (this is almost certainly not a physical addiction BTW, most people with alcohol use disorder are not physically dependant but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to quit)

No idea, but he’ll be shit when he’s 40.

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Social drinking isn’t really possible - it’s just part of the cycle. If you want him to give up and live with you, you should too. But as pp says he has to admit there is a problem and do it himself.

You’re not overthinking. You are seeing signs of the problem which are probably the tip of the iceberg. V likely there is other hidden alcohol you don’t know about.

You giving up drinking won’t stop him. He doesn’t think he has a problem and clearly doesn’t intend to stop. So he won’t. The only thing you can do is control your response to it. I would leave.

As he drinks a whole bottle of wine without giving you a chance to have some I would say he is an alcoholic. He’s making sure he gets as much alcohol as possible. Unless he is just greedy. Does he hog other things?

The thing is, even if the label doesn’t fit, you really don’t like the amount he drinks. You’ve told him that but his desire to drink a lot is more important than you disliking him doing it. So alcohol trumps your feelings. Some might say “his body, his choice” but you also have the right to choose to not be with someone who drinks. Have that conversation but be prepared to follow through because if he is an alcoholic, he will choose alcohol every time.

The amount he is drinking and hiding and the health related scares as all huge red flags

If you don't really drink stop bringing wine home. Where does he drink the beers after work? At home or in the pub on the way home? If at home stop or restrict the amount you both buy. Does he drink socially very often or once or twice a week? It's difficult to judge if he really has a problem or just that you hardly drink so even safe levels of drinking seems like a lot to you. Suggest he counts units, measure how much goes into his goblet to get a reliable estimate.

This says it all

yes he’s an alcoholic

my dh did the same. Went to meeting. Pissed about on his phone. Told people he wasn’t drinking.

he was / still is

but we are not together and haven’t been for almost 2yrs as I had enough and our child deserved a happy home

the fact he hides and lies means there is a problem

Well he's back on the booze. AA doesn't condone moderation as in their belief alcohol takes control over you. So he clearly is no longer adhering to the steps or whatever they do there.

Drinking a whole bottle of someone else's wine and calling it 'a glass' is also a massive red flag. It's a way or normalising excessive drinking.

Vaping to me is meh. Not bothered by that. But obviously it's another addiction he's clearly got back into.

So I guess you have to talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel. He won't go sober just because you say so though sadly. I doubt it anyway.

That’s the first of the 12 steps so he didn’t even start to do the work. Just turning up to meetings is pointless. Alcoholics only acknowledge their illness when they hit rock bottom and it sounds as if he’s not there yet. Forget the vapes, he’s very likely hiding bottles somewhere.

Also the fact he drinks a lot socially but isn’t appearing drunk - means he is building a tolerance so he is def drinking more then you know /he tells you

or else he would be merry/pissed

sadly ex can down a bottle of vodka and appear semi sober. As in you know he’s had a drink but he isn’t plastered and for the average person a bottle of spirits would floor them