AIBU - partner not feeling happy

[firsttimedad04]

We have a nearly 2 year old, as you all know it’s very full on, I took on a new career and partner works a few days a week.

she is complaining that she isn’t very happy anymore and we are due to be married next year.

Financially it is very tight, my new career meant a pay cut and she has gone down from full time, my partner always has to be doing something, cannot be around the house otherwise she goes crazy. I am the opposite, happiness is just having a quiet few hours to chill. So naturally she is constantly booking stuff, I cant keep up financially so that then becomes a problem, she’s taking the load. (I agree, I wish I could contribute more but I also don’t have a magic money tree)

then there is down time, again, a rough day at work or full day with LO and when it comes to bed time we manage to get something to eat and watch a bit of tv, then bed. I’m ok with this. Her not so much, drives her mental. This is when the rows happen, I am the problem, I am failing her, she’s not happy anymore.

my response tends to be, this is life and we just need to get through it, it will get better. Her response is, I must fix it and I must show that I love her. I must organise date nights in the house etc (that’s all well and good but the free stuff like board games get old pretty quickly).

it’s now come to a head where it can’t continue, I just think life is pretty damn hard and we are both just keeping our heads above water. She thinks I should be doing much more. Maybe I can? Am I being unreasonable?

So why doesn’t she increase her hours at work, would that give her more satisfaction?

She is already doing too much, is the answer which I can kind of agree on, she picks up a lot of the load due to my shifts but I do what I can, when I can. The boy doesn’t sleep so great so I will have him with me in the spare bed even after a night shift.

Tell her to get a hobby.

You sound very incompatible, would you both be up to try couples therapy?

Is there someone who can look after your little one for the weekend so you can both escape and reconnect? It sounds very much like you are going on different paths but still have the anchor there.
wishing you all the best

I could have written this !
Things have not come to a head but with family, work, life etc it's soooooo hard.

I feel like we just keep our head above water and we try our best to keep all the marble on the tray but every now and then one drops off and bang all hell break loose!

The cost of everything is so high at the moment, we can't afford to be much as in date night etc and once we have sat down after tea, sorting the washing, cleaning the house. I normally go to sleep on the sofa whilst he watches TV and then bed.
Repeat !

So that’s a separate issue, they say it takes a village to raise a child and that is so true. We unfortunately have family issues where nobody pulls their weight. My response is that we can’t control others, we can only do what we do.

its a massive obstacle for her that there isn’t. Ore support and it often ends in an argument.

there is no support, I say we just sick it up and get on with it, her response is tears and constant discussions.

I really ought to try more so will attempt these free night on dates and see what happens but I do not think it will help.

One thing that screams to me from your post...

She is unhappy
Its your responsibility to fix it

This is simply not the case, it may be the way ive read it and I may have misinterpreted it but to clarify

Its not your responsibility to make her happy
Its not your responsibility to manage her emotions
Its not your responsibility to ensure she doesnt go "crazy" (she always needs to be doing something - whereas you dont)

Your wellbeing, feelings and wishes also exist and hers dont trump yours.

If someone resorts to tears and continuall unending discussion and ultimatums to get their way, thats emotional pressure and coercive control.

Watch for the signs and dont believe that everything is your fault because she tells you it is.

So naturally she is constantly booking stuff, I cant keep up financially so that then becomes a problem,

This is a problem because she is spending, not that you can keep up. This is not your problem to fix, its hers to stop spending.

Neither of you are unreasonable, but you do sound fundamentally incompatible which is a recipe for disaster in the long-run.

Why take a pay cut when you have a small child - sounds like an unwise decision.

How on earth do two such incompatible people end up together, engaged and with a baby? These aren't even little incompatibilities, they're massive glaring ones that surely there was some indication of before now. I'm also someone who likes just quiet, chill downtime, and if I found myself dating a constant-doer 'must always be busy' sort I'd end the relationship, not marry them.

You could try couples counselling as a pp suggested to try and find a middle ground somewhere, but I don't know how effective that'll be. You can't counsel away eachother's fundamental personality differences.

if someone is spend spend spending it’s generally because they are unhappy. retail therapy.

she needs to do other things like walk in the park with dc or whatever that gets her out but doesn't cost anything. she needs to pull her horns in. you can’t spend your way to happiness. you just end up in debt ahd even more stressed.