I feel so low and sad

[littleHen84]

I feel so low and broken at the minute, I have a son partner home and animals. I try really hard to find joy in everyday things and stop and notice things but I’m so low. My son has ASD and attends a specialist setting it’s been really tricky the last few months being deregulated, I do every night which means multiple wakings this has been worse lately. I had a vocational career that I loved but needed to stay at home due to how tricky things were at home my son was diagnosed quite young. So for the last 5 years I’ve been at home I organise nearly everything that needs to be done all the cleaning washing everything to do with the animals any house repairs all the house admin stuff, all the school stuff ehcp stuff everything, which is fine I’m here and it needs to be done. Tonight my son said he just wanted his Dad to do a Christmas event at school, which is fine if it’s what he needs but my heart broke a little because I feel like I just do all the rubbish stuff and the grunt and these are the memories you look back on and I’ll be at home. I don’t get to wind down at the evening I am with my son and tonight I just want to curl up and cry, I don’t have any family support which makes me so sad as I used to have such a close family but it’s all a bit fractured now. I just feel worth less and so down and have a constant thing that I’m not good enough.

The daily grind can be soul destroying. A never ending wheel of relentlessness. You really need to put down the burden of not feeling good enough. It certainly sounds like you're pulling all the stops to keep everyday life going. Do you live with your partner?

I hear you.

Have you spoken to your GP? They may be able to support you with some medication and some talking therapy. You need some time for you but I completely understand that this can be impossible to achieve, have you had a carer's assessment from social services?

Thank you for responding, i do live with my partner. I haven’t had a social services assessment, I was on Setraline for about 18 months but I tapered the dose and slowly came off them. They made me feel quite faint and my memory wasn’t great on them. I try so hard and have fought so hard for my son I feel utterly alone. I used to be so content calm and happy I feel sad that person has gone.

I think a visit to the doctor for YOURSELF is in order OP. It sounds like you're doing everything for everyone, but not giving yourself any respite, and maybe you need something to help with the feeling of hopelessness, and depression.

Is your partner the father of your child? If so, why isn't he helping?

Also, why isn't he helping with the animals. Speaking of which, how many have you got, and how much time do you have to give to them? Could you consider letting them go, to give yourself an easier life, or is it just a couple of cats that you feed, and then leave to their own devices.

He is the father I don’t know why it’s ended up this way tbh, I think it started along time ago with my son being so attached to me and it’s always stayed the same. I’m lying next to my son now and he has just opened a beer downstairs which feels hurtful but then my brain says well your not at work you don’t deserve to have anytime and on the cycle in my head goes. It’s like a tape recorder in my mind saying your rubbish not good enough not liked on and on. Re animals we have a few nothing major time consuming like a horse etc. I think I need to see the gp I genuinely felt heavy with sadness today, I don’t think the time e of year helps we won’t see any family or anything and it’s all you see on the TV family’s day round a table.

Please go and see your GP lovely, you can't pour from an empty cup. I'm another mum of an autistic son, he's 32 now and I know exactly how you feel. It's so so hard and you give up a lot to be a carer. I've been taking mirtazapine for years now, it's stopped the panic attacks and helps me keep my head above water. There's absolutely no shame in needing some help 💐

You work too. Maybe not out of the house but you keep all the domestic plates spinning. Childcare, cleaning, cooking, shopping, life admin etc etc. If you paid someone to do all that, it'd a full time nanny/housekeeper on £40k min. So please start to recognise your worth. Your partner works during the day and so do you, therefore, evening jobs are shared and you both get equal downtime. Sounds like this needs addressing.

So when do you get to sit down and have a beer (or your equivalent) OP? When was the last time you actually had some time for YOU?

As I said earlier, get yourself back to the doctor, there are lots of other anti-depressants other than Sertraline, so tell the doctor how it made you feel, and ask if they can give you something else.

Moving on, is your partner easy to get along with, or is he the sort of man that's happy to sit back and let you do everything, but will then blow up if you tell him you're struggling?

If he's easy to talk to, then I suggest that you sit down with him, and tell him how you're feeling, not just that you're feeling a bit down, (we women have a tendency to down play things) but that you feel that as a couple, you have fallen into a pattern of doing things, and it's now causing you to feel unappreciated, overwhelmed, and taken for granted. You could say that you realise that it was never his intention to make you feel this way, but it's the way you're feeling, and something has to change, otherwise you'll eventually break down both physically, and mentally, and be of no use to either your child or him. Explain to him that while you're fully aware that he works too, but what you do is not a 9 - 5 job, nor a 6am to 7pm type job, you are literally 'on call' for 24 hours, and you need some help. If he can't or won't pull his weight, or even give you a break, tell him that he'll have to find some extra money to pay for it then, because quite simply you CAN NOT do it ALL!!

However, if you feel you can't broach this in a simple, calm way, or he's the type to shout you down if he feels attacked, then try writing it down, that way he has no opportunity to interrupt you, or break your train of thought, and it will give you the opportunity to get your thoughts across.

Please tackle both him and seeing the doctor as soon as you possibly can OP, as things will only continue to deteriorate, the longer you leave it.

Good luck, and sending you a big appreciative hug, for all that you're doing for your family.

Reading your story makes me want to jump out my window head first. This is absolutely a natural human reaction you are having to absolute drudgery shit misery.

I have significant illnesses and an autistic son and am a single mum. I don't do the full time care anymore. It is agonizing fighting for the needs of an autistic child alone in this climate. That one thing breaks people. This also puts a huge strain on marriages.

You cannot and should not do all this shit.

I would get back on some antidepressant tbh starting at a very low dose as a buffer to this very natural feeling.

I went through Barnados and found a holiday club that does free trips and days out for Autistic kids. I would do everything you can to access something like this. The guilt if you let it will absorb you, stop you doing this and you will suffer. I didn't care in the end if my child didn't want to do it. Tough damn shit, I'm dying here. I obviously didn't say that. But I told myself this to ensure I didn't back down. Most other kids at these things were autistic.

You need a break with absolute urgency from the husband and your child.

Does a part of you think you could enjoy one day and night away alone and leave husband with the kid? I wouldn't ask is tell him very nicely it's happening - if you think you could enjoy it.

I am wondering what the very real authentic you is like, what she loves, what she dreams of, how many creative gifts she has beyond this drudgery. You are so much more than this right now and I would try challenge this feeling you must do everything for everyone to your detriment 💐

Thank you everyone for replying so kind, I will definitely call the gp today it’s a scary feeling feeling this low, just had a cry after I waved my son and father off to the school Christmas event, that hurt.

Oh bless you 'littleHen84' I'm SO sorry that you had to do that, it must have been heart breaking after all the effort you put into taking care of your child.

Please let us know how you get on at the doctors.

I note you haven't responded to my questions about chatting to your partner, is there a reason for that?

I will do, I think I find it hard to talk about because I don’t think he’d really understand and would probably say something a little cold yet practical

What makes you think he wouldn't understand OP?

As I suggested previously, if you don't feel you can tell him how you really feel face to face, then write it down in a letter, but you NEED to do this NOW! You have the perfect day to tell him, you can say that you're feeling absolutely shit, because in spite of the fact that you do literally EVERYTHING for your child, he wanted his Dad to go to his school event.

What exactly does your partner do for your son?

What exactly does your partner do around the house?

Think about it, and then please come back and tell us, as we really can't offer much help or advice if you won't tell us enough to work on, and I for one would really like to be able to help.