I’m an only child from an abusive home. When I was in school - I was the only one in a group of 8 girls who was an only child. When I was a child I desperately wanted a brother or sister and felt it was unfair that all my friends had siblings but not me. Just for your info - all my friends had siblings close in age - so all within 3 years. I feel looking back that my desperation for a sibling was probably to do with the fact that I was unhappy at home and wanted an ally in the situation rather than hating being an only child - which I now as an adult feel can work very well - so no shade on only children!
We went to a private all girls’ church school which was awful - I hated every minute of it - the atmosphere was stifling, the people narrow minded etc etc. I thought the whole set up was pathetic!! Our school was attached to the church and apart from the service every Sunday - there were church related activities every week with the school also frequent trips etc..
At home part of the abuse I received would be my parents knowing I was an only child and hated it and rubbing it in saying things like -
“oh poor you all the others have got brothers and sisters, they don’t realise you’re on your own” - which I thought even as a primary school kid was a bit weird because as much as I was desperate for a brother or sister back then I knew, to be fair, that it wasn’t the fault of the other girls that I was an only child.
Anyway thing is I now as an adult feel differently. Despite my abusive, isolated upbringing I feel that one genuine advantage I’ve had over the others is that it’s been much easier for me to break out of this church group than most of my friends (with one or two exceptions)
Despite my abusive parents, most of my friends parents were actually much more controlling when it came to insisting their kids participated in church/church related activities. One of my friends (when we were sitting in her parents’ car as kids while her mum collected something) said to me -
“DON’T say anything negative about the church when my mum comes back” - she knew I thought the church and school deeply naff and uncool - but was visibly TERRIFIED of her mum finding out that this view was held in any way.
By contrast, when I was 19, my mum asked if I wanted to go to a church service one Xmas and I said -
“no thanks, I’ve now left the school, I don’t want to go back in any way into that community”
in response, my mum looked bitter, but she knew it would be the wrong thing to do to scold me for this - so didn’t say anything. Whereas I don’t think my friends would dare say such a thing to their mothers.even aged 19 - it would’ve been the last taboo.
there are several possible reasons why my parents weren’t as controlling about pushing me to do church things namely -
The mothers were - apart from one - all teachers - some in the school - mine weren’t teachers - and were therefore (thankfully) out of the social circle
it was a school where parents were well educated/ middle class - my Dad’s working class and didn’t attend the church at all
being an only child meant that my parents - luckily ! - were less knowledgeable about church activities - my friends parents knew more because older siblings had been to church things.
I’ve now completely broken away as an adult from the church and everyone in it - but I can see from my friend’s facebooks that most still go and they’re all still in touch.
AIBU to feel guilty that one advantage I DID have over my friends was that despite a miserable upbringing, I have luckily been able to break away easier from the group than all the rest if I’ve got sick of it!
For example, my friend said a while ago she loved the church - but I’ve sometimes wondered did she genuinely love it or did she feel pressure from her parents and it would feel too difficult/disruptive for her to express this?
Thank you if you’ve got this far!