Unfriendly nursery mums

[jey91]

My 3yo DD has been going to nursery since September. I had expectations that the school mums (and dads) would be friends and it would be easy to chat to them outside the school gates etc. for info she goes to a nursery of a primary school so everyone starts and finishes at the same time and I see the same people every day. There’s also a WhatsApp group but no one ever posts in it. I’m not particularly looking for new friends but I’d love to be at least friendly with people and maybe even arrange some play dates for my daughter. But I find no one is friendly at all!! I also found the same when she attended a different nursery so am I being a bit unreasonable? The only reason I expected this is when I speak to friends they know their nursery mums really well and the children’s birthday parties are full of the nursery children. My DDs birthday is coming up and I can’t see myself being able to invite any of these children

if it makes a difference we live on the outskirts of london

I think it really varies. DD1' s nursery hosted little mingle events each term for the families and staff to get together (picnic in summer, indoors with someone dressed as Santa at Christmas etc) and DD2's childminder does similar. But both are quite rooted in a community and I get the sense that some are more "dump and run", ie if they are near the train station or the centre of town so chosen for proximity to work/commute rather than home.

If you'd like to invite kids for playdates or parties try asking nursery to put you in touch. Mine always did - they'd put it on the child's Tapestry or pass on the requesting parent's number at pickup. Individual parents may well be receptive.

Let me also reassure you that I didn't really find my "people" via the nursery drop off crowd but quickly did when DD started primary school. Not immediately but after a few whole-class parties things began to fall into place.

It can be a bit "luck of the draw". People often get to know the parents of children in the same class as their oldest child, and perhaps don't make the same effort to make new friends when subsequent children start school - so if a lot of the children have older siblings that may be part of it.

Anyway, play dates and parties don't have to wait for you to be friends with the parents - they can be what you use to start the ball rolling. "Jenny's been asking if Polly can come to play one day after school? Would that work for you? You're welcome to come too, of course." (Some parents would rather come the first time, if they don't know you; that might mean having to bring siblings as well.) "We're planning to go to the park tomorrow and Jenny wants to know if Wendy can come along too."
And for the birthday, just send out the invites. If you're not inviting the whole class, etiquette is not to give invites out in school in front of those not invited, but you can pass them to parents in the playground, or send individual messages. Remember to specify a date to RSVP by, and you might want to put something like "unfortunately we won't have room for any siblings".

Also London can be so anonymous in this way! People are just trying to whizz off to their day and filter out the noise. I wouldn't worry too much that the nursery gates aren't sociable, there may well be lots of lovely people there who just don't have the bandwidth to chat at that point.

My kids have been to 5 nurseries and I've never made friends with nursery mums
I consider myself to be very friendly and chatty and always up for social events.

I think it's just working parent life. Bit sad but true. I've made lots of friends through toddler groups though or, rather, people i go for coffee with/playdates

I work in a preschool outskirts of London and the parents are all friendly, lots of parties for the whole class and parent events 3x a year where they can chat. As well as school gate chatter. Maybe you're in an unfriendly area!

Thanks all. For her next birthday I was considering posting an invite on the WhatsApp group or asking nursery to put invites in backpacks, but I’m just worried we’re now in December and no one else has done that? Also will be weird to have all these parents there that I don’t know. Her birthday is Feb

Are they just unfriendly to you, or is no one chatting at pick up?

3 kids and numerous nurseries and I never spoke to anyone at pick up or drop off other than the staff.

I made a friend through my middle son but it wasn’t expected. She brought her son to my son’s party and we hit it off. I never thought anyone was unfriendly just because we weren’t suddenly besties.

No one seems to talk to each other

Maybe no one is talking to each other because no one is posting on the group chat, no one is doing a party.
If you host a birthday party it could be a good way to meet people.

I only made a nursery mum friend at a birthday party, once I got more of a chance to chat.

Tbh I also think it’s just finding someone who you bond with. You can talk to loads of mums at the gate but don’t find a connection.