Why does my mother do this?

[Huggealla]

I should start by saying there’s a lot of lovely things about my mum but if I were to list some of the not so great things then I think I would be told to go no contact!

But I don’t want this post to be about past events or anything like that and I think it is important to be fair that she’s always supported me and been proud of me, always helped practically with things like when I’ve moved house and so on. But on an emotional level she can be unpredictable.

She has started saying things that I just can’t understand why she would want to provoke a reaction out of me. My brother met someone who was very wealthy. They own their home outright and neither have to work full time.

In contrast I am a single parent to one dc. I own half my home but still have big monthly payments. I can manage this as I have a decent job and I do have disposable income but obviously I do have to be more careful than my brother. I made the mistake a while ago when me and ex dh broke up of getting very upset one day and saying it wasn’t fair my brother had everything on a plate for his kids to have whatever they wanted and I had to manage everything on my own. I am rarely self pitying and this was during a low point when brother was complaining he didn’t have free time because of his kids and his part time job.

My mum has picked up on this insecurity and feeling of stress and every so often she will make comments like the one today…

‘brother is getting your dc and nephew the same gift for Christmas. It’s 85 pounds each in total, it’s a lot isn’t it.’

i agreed it was a lot but the gift sounded nice.

mum then says ‘it’s a tall order you’ve got now if they’ve got dc 85 pound gift! What will you get?’

I said I had already sorted most gifts so would go ahead with that and they were surprises for on the day.

mum: ‘well 85 pounds is a lot isn’t it, you’ll have a job to match it. That’s 170 they’ve spent just on one gift for their son and DC’s gift, obviously they’ve got more for their son too.’

it went on like this on and off while we were in a cafe. There is absolutely zero concern in how she says these things, I am certain it doesn’t come from a place of trying to sympathise as there was no need to even tell me what brother had got my dc. It’s about trying to spark a reaction, I don’t understand why?

She does this with lots of things. Any time I show any vulnerability she will latch onto it forevermore. I’ve moved on lots since ex Dh and I am actually quite content so the conversation hasn’t bothered me from that perspective anymore. I know I’m lucky in lots of ways and I actually love being single now. But the fact my own mum can be so unkind, why? If I asked her she would absolutely turn it on me and call me ridiculous for thinking such a thing.

My mum is a bit like this, it seems to be a weird attempt to bond/find common ground. Like she only knows how to bond with someone by judging/slagging someone else off that they both know, village gossip style.

Mum's can be wierd with their daughters. My mum is delightful & kind now she is properly elderly (in her 80s) but looking back, I think she struggled with getting older when I was in my 20s and 30s and was wierdly competitive with me, in odd ways it is hard to explain. At that stage, like your mum, she would have enjoyed having a weapon to undermine me. I have reflected over the years and I think it was pretty subconscious but definately came from her own place of insecurity at growing old.

That said, I had no advice. I was frequently bemused and hurt by my mum and definately drew away from her. But life is long (unless it isn't!) & it is all water under the bridge now.

Do you think that it may genuinely bother her that your brother has spent this much on your child and that you may feel pressured now to 'match' the gift (and the amount spent). And that your dc might feel that he got a 'better' gift from his uncle?

Just thinking about what you wrote about confiding in your mum about how you felt that day about your brother complaining.

Maybe she is a bit annoyed with him and/or wants to check that you are okay with this?

Yes my mum can be a bit like this too. It perpetuates though as it means I don’t want to tell her much about me in case she goes and gossips about me and my life to someone. So I seethe while she gossips. Hard!

This sounds exactly like something my mother would do, and agree with the other posters about gossiping etc

Either she is unknowingly tactless or actively seeks to get a rise out of you.

Not nice at all, sorry you have to experience this. Hopefully I'll never act like that with my dc due to bitterness, envy, feeling worthless, my horizon shrinking or what not.

I wouldn't be able to relax around her or trust her, I'd have to limit contact.

Such a shame.

I used to hope that my parents would become wiser and kinder as they got older. But sadly the opposite is happening - they become weirder and more petty.

What did you say in return?

I would have asked why she would think you need to match anything?

This is how I interpreted it too but clearly there is more to this.

@Huggealla no one knows why your mother has this type of thought and conversation, but 100% don't let it stick with you. You sound as though you're on the back foot a bit when she starts up with this kind of thing and you really don't need to be. You're an adult in charge of your own family.

I think you need to be more assertive and that doesn't mean being rude. You tell her that it's lovely for your brother and his family, but money isn't what love's about. You've chosen for your DC to fit in with what they'll like and what's within your own budget, likewise for your DN. That it isn't a competition, but you could also add that if she wants to make up the value spent, then by all means, she can feel free.

Put it out of your mind after that, but if she starts up again, just say we've had the conversation, you know my views, so let's not go there any more.

Have you asked her what exactly she is trying to achieve by telling you this? You're obviously not going to be matching the £85 gift and she knows that your brother has significantly more disposable income than you. I would have asked her straight out of she is trying to make you feel bad?

You sound great OP.
Well done for moving on.
Some mothers are petty, unkind and cannot stop the ugly leaking out with their inane conversation and desire to speak badly about someone, anyone.

It tends to be just who they are and why their children often tell them little and don't seek them out.

Grey rocking is a great management too as is say "really? that's not a very kind thing to say".
Don't engage further about it.

Just point out calmly that that isn't very nice.
See less of her too.

I'm sorry she tries to get a rise out of you, that's very childish and mean.

Damn right it's unfair that your brother got so lucky, by the way! No-one's fault but anyone would feel the same in your shoes.

Trying to figure out the "why" is a hiding to nothing in my experience. It's a case of finding strategies to rise above it. Showing no interest in the subject, countering with something positive, just saying "cost isn't my priority" and yawning if she persists... My mother developed a thing in her older age of only getting happy and excited by bitchy gossip and playing people against each other. I spent years trying to figure it out, because like yours I know she can be bright and generous- but it's too impossibly involved and. subjective and bizarre. I just disappoint her by refusing to feed it!