Dad daily illness run-down update!

[MushroomWellingtonLady]

He has always been a hypochondriac when I was growing up and actually seemed suprised and happy when he got type 2 diabetes.

He is also 3 years sober from cocaine and alcohol.

Almost everyday he wants to FaceTime and just gives me a run down about his sleep, his illnesses and his mental health. It’s getting very draining now. The other day he had a cough and was showing me what was in the tissue. Phoning me up with a sickly sad voice.

I feel like my patience is gone now. In general he is not that nice of a person. I have mixed race family and he is racist, does this thing where stuff will slip out and he will say oh I didn’t know or say it was his adhd.

Will also drop stuff in the convo like I felt like just ending it all the other day, anyway what you been doing today? Also says I almost wanted to drink today.

I think it’s mainly attention seeking and he is using me as some kind of therapist to sound off on. But I have my own life and children with our own issues.

If I tell him something good, like my son done well in his exam, he will say that’s because he hsbdoneone helping him at home. He didn’t have anyone to help him study. I think yeah me too dad! Because you weren’t there.

Some days when I get off the phone I start being snappy. It’s not good for my own mental health whereas every time he talks to me he says how much better he feels afterwards.

I need to cut it way back but then there is that niggle in the back of my head that something might happen to him.

I'd be a lot less available. Once a week is more than enough, and even that would be too much for such self indulgent attention seeking from someone who actually gives zero fucks about their health given their lifestyle for years.

You’re not his therapist and he clearly needs a therapist or talking group. I would think one of the online ring up services would be helpful for him.

You will not be able to change him, only how you react to him. The older people get the more they become self-centred, especially around health. Just avoid answering your phone and try to limit calls to every few days, then every week, then every 2 weeks etc. And tell him in a kind way to 'get a life' eg a hobby, so he feels less need to lean on you.

Something might happen to him but you are not going to prevent it with a daily phone call, are you? He is an adult and is responsible for his own wellbeing. If he is ill, he can phone his GP. If he needs therapy, he can self-refer to a local IAPT.
Relationships are supposed to be reciprocal and he is not reciprocating. He is dumping. So tell him you will check in with him twice a week, or something and leave it at that.

Thats not my expereience of older people, bit of a sweeping statement

Same. My grandmother calls once a week and all she wants to hear is how I am doing and tell me that she loves me. Never once mentioned her health issues (although, she has plenty!)

Something will happen to him at some point but you can’t control that , that’s magical thinking. Be less available, people like your dad who are utterly self centred will always be ok, they’ll find someone else to fill their needs.

He goes to therapy and has had years of it. He thinks he is the greatest victim that ever lived.
I have told him to go to the gym to travel to all the things that he didn’t do when he was younger but I think he just wants to talk about it and not actually do it.

He is always trying to one up any issue you have or somehow relate it back to his childhood. If I mention that he wasn’t there when I was growing up and I still pushed myself he will then change tactic and look for something else.

My mum is the opposite. Works full time, travels a few times a year. Is always trying out something, Pilates or getting on ginger shots for example. I can’t believe they used to be married.

Stop taking all his calls. You know what he's like. He's not going to change.

Call him, every few days, at a time that suits you, when you can decompress afterwards. You will feel more able to manage this if you feel in control of it.