Help me to say no and not people please in 2026

[2026YearOfTheNo]

I need help saying NO, to stop being a people pleaser and getting myself into a pickle.

2025 turned out to be a stressful one. From about April it started to escalate. I’ve been so busy I’ve neglected myself. Lately I’ve been so tired that I’ve not had time to self care (skin care, makeup, blow hair) which has upset me a lot. I look a mess.

So, by the end of 2025, I have;

Upped my hours at work to FT
Took on new responsibilities that have included lots of study (no extra money)
Asked to be rep at work, having to deal with senior management.
Joined new hobby and asked to help and ended up running it most of the time, taking hours and hours of my week up. In the run up to Christmas it has taken 10 hours of my time in last 2 weeks whilst others did nothing.
Dealt with sick, elderly relative, up and down the country to see them whilst siblings did very little.
Studied for a professional qualification that took over my life for 2 months

All this as well as dealing with the house, dog and kids.

Coming out of 2026 I just feel exhausted and overwhelmed. I feel a lot of the above was put on me because I am a soft touch, rather than a dynamic get things done person.

Moving into 2026 I need to claim back my time and sanity. I can’t go on like this.

Any tips for not being a people pleaser and assertively saying NO. I can already see some things that people are going to try and rope me into.

See your people-pleasing as a bad habit you need to break yourself of, like comfort-eating junk food or nail-biting. See it as a series of choices you have made and continue to make — no one made you do any of these things at gunpoint. You chose them. Ask yourself why? Why does the idea of saying no make you so uncomfortable?

Create some phrases you can use, until you build up more confidence to say no...

'I'll have to think about it and get back to you'
'I'll check my diary, then I'll let you know'
'Sorry, I've got other plans. Maybe next time'
'No, unfortunately doesn't work for me'
'No, thank you'

You are spot on Liddy. No one made me do these things. I think there are a couple of things going on.

1. There was a lot of flattery involved in some of the above, “YearsOf, we’ve all been talking and you’d be great at this…..,”. I said yes, then saw that it was a nightmare task (work rep, hobby organiser) that no one else wanted to do.

2. A part of me thinks that if everyone did nothing then there would be no clubs, no hobbies etc. and it’s not fair to let others do everything, and I’m happy to do my bit. However, I then turn into the minority that does everything.

3. From decades of experience I know I don’t give off a good first impression (been told a thousand times that someone didn’t like me when we first met, then got to know me and now think I’m really lovely) and I think I say YES to shorten the trial period I usually have to go through with someone.

The irony is, I’ve also had feedback saying I’m really assertive. 😜

Having read 3 I think I should just book some therapy.

I'm doing this too OP, I always thought I was anything but a people pleaser because I'm so bolshy and have no problem saying no. Turns out I do have a problem with BeingVeryCapable™ which is just another form of people pleasing where you don't even realise most of the time you are doing it and you also think you have good boundaries. Reading your list, I wonder if you have a touch of this type too in the doing all the qualifications and looking after everyone.

I'm treating 2026 as my fallow year. My only goal is to get through it and rest as much as possible. Mostly because I think I am at risk of breaking and wrecking my health in some way if I don't. I'm 45 now, and I'm just so sodding tired. One thing that has helped me is consciously trying to put myself first in any decision to do something. It's hard though.

Cross post, but your number 3 point made me laugh - this happens to me too! I have been told by people that I seem quite scary at first, but that I'm lovely once you get to know me. Unless you're an arsehole, then watch out!

Don't agree to anything in the moment, as PP says have a stock phrase to use to give you that thinking space.
If you're a big diary/calendar person block out reoccurring time that is for being at home doing relaxing things. When you look at your diary this will remind you not to book anything in for that slot and you can literally say 'ah sorry I've got something in the diary then so can't do it'

I came across something the other day which said that people-pleasing is basically selfish. We think we people-please for others and saying "no" is selfish but it is actually the other way around. We people-please to be liked. We people-please to feel needed. We people-please to feel important. That's selfish and, dare I say, manipulative.

Unlearning it is not easy but some simple truths are:
You are not saying no to a person, you are saying no to a request.
Say no and offer alternatives ("I can't take you to shopping but let me teach you how to do it online" or "I can't do it today but I have 45 minutes free on Tuesday at 3pm")
If you feel tempted to agree to something out of pressure, say "Let me think about it and get back to you". This creates enough delay for you to figure out whether you actually want to do it or not.
If someone tries to flatter (manipulate!) you by saying "We thought you would be perfect for this" say "That's very kind for you to think about me but I am at capacity"

The more you practice saying no, the easier it becomes.

One practical thing that helps is not to reply to emails and messages immediately.

If your immediate instinct is to say yes and be helpful then it's very tempting, when you see a request pop up, to do that without thinking in the moment. And I think people-pleasers will also think they don't want to keep the other person waiting for a reply.

Take your time to think through whether you actually want to do the thing, or how convenient it is for you. You don't have to reply immediately but if you do, tell the other person you have to double-check something. Give them an answer the next day. Don't jump to their timeframe.

Why do so many of us suffer from this ?

I hear you, OP - it’s SUCH a hard habit to break

If you say no, you will probably think about for hours/days after. But the other person is likely to think of it for a matter of minutes at most. They will have moved on whilst you are worrying and still dwelling on it. Don’t do this to yourself! Wasted energy.

I now use the same method to 'save my time' as I do to save money, in that I pay myself first. So the first thing I do on payday is put money straight over to my savings, and the first thing I do each month is block out my time in the diary, whether its study time, an exercise class I want to do, self care for a couple of hours on a Sunday evening, a walk on a Wednesday morning before walk, a Friday tidy of the house. By prioritising me and the things I want or need to do, when someone asks me to do something else, I can look at my diary and see whether I can even fit it in or how much id need to juggle to make it work, what im willing to give up to do it. Makes life much easier if you can legitimately answer, sorry, ive got something else on or sorry, I really dont have time. We only get 168 hours in a week and have to spend them as wisely as our wages!

You need to give yourself time to think whether the thing you're being asked to do is reasonable for you rather than letting the habits of a lifetime kick in and result in an immediate agreement.
Stock phrases can be useful such as "I'm not sure if I can, can I let you know later today/next week?"
Then work through a process where you honestly ask yourself:
Do I have time for this without spreading myself too thinly?
Who do I have to take time away from in order to do this thing, and am i comfortable with that? After the initial pleasure of pleasing the person has worn off, will the stress, tiredness, resentment, diversion of my time from other important things be worth it?
What do I fear from saying no? If its a loss on the approval or friendship of someone who doesn't respect my right to refuse, is that really such a loss?
Lastly, you need to remember that people pleasing is about wanting to make people like you. Look around at people who are well liked, and you will notice that it's not because they run themselves ragged for other people. It's due to their personality and how much others want to be around them. This is what will make people like you too. Never saying no just means they will treat you as useful. Which is not the same.

Thanks everyone. I know it’s a first world problem, but I I’ve been so stressed.

Even this morning I’ve got someone from the hobby messaging me to do something this morning, when I was out till 10pm last night doing Christmas stuff for the group!

I’ve now got to drive 2 hours to complete an exam I’ve been studying for, and my elderly relative is already calling me expecting their daily 45- min chat.

I want to get a flight to Shetland and stay in a hut with a bottle of wine and some books and have no reception in my devices.

Oh…..and for some reason I ended up hosting for everyone, staying in my house, from 23-28 Dec. F*cking great! So 10 million sheets to change, cleaning and shopping to do.

Op, wtf with your latest update.

Lose the noise and find yourself. You are actively choosing every single thing you are burdened with. Let it go. It's your life. Your time.

"Do no harm. But take no shit"